Darkness Falls
by DustyMonkey
Summary: Set during season 6 episode “Ghost”. The meeting between Casey and Alex turns out differently when both are abducted and held prisoner.
1. chapter 1

**This story takes place during the episode Ghost. Picks up right after Alex and Casey's meeting in Casey's office. Things went...a little differently. I've had this story in mind for awhile and I promise it will be good! Told from Alex's POV. There are some graphic scenes. And of course I don't own SVU or Casey or Alex. I'm just playing with them for awhile.**

The first thing I am aware of when I open my eyes is that I have a splitting headache. I open my eyes slowly and find myself staring up at a stark white ceiling.

I sit up quickly, my head spinning. A mild panic starts to rise up in me when I realize I don't know where I am. I'm sitting on a twin size mattress on the floor. No sheets, the mattress is stained a yellowish color from age.

I look around frantically. There is another mattress on my other side, and someone is laying on it asleep, their shoulders rising and falling with sleep. Their back is to me but the clothing is vaguely familiar.

There is nothing else in the room except a small open door to the left. No windows. I get up quickly and run to the open door. My legs feel heavy and I almost fall down in my haste.

It's a bathroom. A small old dirty sink, a grimy bathtub and a toilet. 2 towels folded on the countertop. Nothing else.

I quickly exit the bathroom and go over to the other mattress, kneeling down. It's then I realize why the clothing was familiar; it's Casey Novak.

My mind spins, trying to remember the last thing I can. We were in Casey's office prepping my testimony for Liam Connors' trail. And then I woke up here. I remember nothing after that.

"Casey," I whisper quietly, gently shaking her awake. "Hey, wake up."

She blinks her eyes open and sits up, seemingly in the same condition I am. She scans the room and then stands up quickly. "What the hell..."

"I don't know," I answer, standing as well. "Do you remember anything?"

She looks at me, blinking rapidly and shakes her head. "No. We were talking. Antonio had just left..."

"That's the last thing I remember too."

What in the world has happened? We were in one of the safest buildings in New York, Olivia and Elliot had been outside in the hallway and so was there my handler. Were we abducted? If so, how? Who did it and how did they get away with it?

"Your nose is bleeding," Casey suddenly says, and I instinctively reach up with the back of my hand. Sure enough there's dried blood. Was I hit? My nose doesn't hurt at all.

Casey moves to the heavy metal door and tries in vain to open it. I stand there and watch, not sure what to do. For the first time in my life I'm not in control of a situation and I'm at a loss as to what to do.

"I wouldn't make too much noise," I tell her, not exactly sure why really. If someone is holding us captive I guess I'm in no hurry to alert them to the fact that we are awake.

Casey looks at me but doesn't say anything. I watch her go into the little bathroom and I let all the scenarios dance through my mind. Is this someone from the drug cartel? Why would they take us both?

Casey comes out of the bathroom. "We have to figure out what is going on and get out of here. This is serious."

I look around. That's easier said than done. The large heavy metal door which is locked from the outside is the only way out. There are no windows or vents in which to escape.

"I'm well aware how serious this is, but I'm not sure what we can do."

I don't know Casey - I know nothing about her except that she was hired to replace me from White Collar Crimes. I did a little research on her before returning to New York, just to see who I was going to be dealing with. I've known her less than two days but she seems a very driven and determined person.

I don't know how much time passes, but we barely speak to each other. We're both lost in our own thoughts. I'm sitting cross legged on the stained mattress I woke up on and Casey has been pacing around the room as if looking for any possible route to escape.

She calls to me from the bathroom and when I enter to see what she wants, she's holding onto the dirty lid of the toilet tank. She pulls it upwards quite hard. "Help me get this off. It's bolted but they are rusted. We can get it off."

"Why?"

"It's the heaviest thing in here. We can use it as a weapon." She struggles with it for a few more minutes before shooting me another look. "Help me with it."

I still don't move. I'm tired and dizzy and in shock and not able to function.

"Alex! Help me!"

I finally snap out of it and crouch down down to where I can get a good hold on the lid. It's so dirty that it makes me cringe but I figure that is the least of our problems right now.

It takes us about a half hour to get the lid off. The rusted bolts don't give easily and Casey cuts her hands trying to pry the lid off. Plus I'm not very strong, so I figure my assistance doesn't amount to much. Casey however is very determined to get it off and when it finally comes off she falls backwards with it. Given a different situation it would be humorous, but neither of us are in the mood for humor right now.

I peer into the open tank of the toilet and wrinkle my nose. The water is discolored and has an odor. I wonder if the toilet even works and if so, would I even want to use it?

Suddenly we hear the large metal door being opened. It startles us both and we both look at each other and run back out into the main room. I sit back down on my mattress and Casey sits back on hers. I see her slide the lid under the side of her mattress. She looks at me again. I wonder if I have the same look of panic and fear in my eyes that Casey has in hers.

The door opens to reveal two men. Both appear to be in their mid thirties and I don't recognize either. I'm assuming Casey doesn't either, as I'm sure she would have vocalized it if she knew them. They are both clean cut; one is dressed is tight blue jeans with longer brown hair and the other has black jeans and short cropped black hair.

"Well, hello Miss Novak and Miss Cabot. I see our guests are awake."

So they do know us. They know us both.

"Where are we? What are you going to do with us?" Casey finds her voice before I do.

"That depends on you," black jeans says. "If you're cooperative and good we will give you everything you need and your stay here will be pleasant. If you aren't...well, let's just say we have the means to make sure you're pretty miserable."

I don't get scared easily or often but I'm terrified right now. I can feel myself starting to shake and I wrap my arms around my knees to keep the shakes at bay. I don't want these men or Casey to see how frightened I am.

"Where are we?" Casey repeats. "What do you want from us? If you're looking for money - "

"You'll know when the time is right," this time blue jeans answers. "You don't need to know any more, except that you'd better cooperate."

"You won't get away with this," Casey says defiantly. "You obviously know who we are. And I'm sure you know who is already looking for us. It would be in your best interest to let us go."

Black jeans steps forward menacingly and my blood runs cold. He steps in front of Casey's mattress and says, "and it's in your best interest to shut your mouth immediately."

I look at Casey and try to tell her to shut up, that now is not the time to test these men. She's doing us more harm than good by challenging them.

"If you think we are just going to let you do this to us, you have another thing coming," Casey tells him, looking him straight in the eyes. Blue jeans steps forward now and reaches out and grabs Casey's arm.

I look away. Whatever is going to happen, I don't want to see it.

It all happens so quickly. I hear one of the men shout out and when I turn my head back around I see Casey on her feet with the lid on her hands. Blue jeans stumbles away from her mattress, holding his head in his hands. I see blood dripping out between his hands and I know without a doubt that she hit him. Unfortunately not hard enough to knock him out.

I quickly get to my feet too, knowing I need to do something to help but not knowing what that something is. Casey grips the lid tightly and she swings back to hit black jeans this time but he is too quick and grabs it before she can hit him. He's swearing at her, calling her every name he can think of while he struggles to get the lid away from her. When he finally does he throws it at the door and I have to move out of the way to avoid getting hit.

"You bitch," he rasps, out of breath from the struggle. He has Casey restrained and blue jeans is coming to. When he takes his hands from his face I notice one side is all blood, obstructing his eye. She got him good.

"You are going to pay for this. Really pay for this."

They both take one of her arms and start dragging her towards the door. She's fighting all the way, trying to kick them and squirm away but it's to no avail; they have her tight.

I eye the lid lying by the door and wonder if I have enough time to grab it and hit them. I can't just sit there and watch this happen.

I quickly jump to my feet and rush towards the toilet lid. Black jeans holds one hand up and says, "You even pick that up and you will get what she's about to get."

I'm willing to take my chances if it means us getting out of here.

I make a desperate grab for the lid but before I can grab it black jeans has released his grip on Casey and he pushes me out of the way. I loose my balance and fall backwards onto my butt and watch helplessly as he grabs the toilet lid.

I flinch away, fully expecting him to hit me with it as hard as he can. Instead he holds onto it tightly and turns to his cohort, who has Casey pressed up against the wall and is holding her there.

"What do you want to do to her?"

"This one?" Blue jeans grunts, fresh blood running down his face. He knees Casey in the back and she flinches but doesn't stop fighting him.

"No - blondie here."

"Get her up. Make her watch. Teach her to keep her mouth shut."

Both men laugh evilly as black jeans roughly pulls me to my feet. He pulls a phone from his back pocket and hits a speed dial, holding me tightly with his other hand. "Yeah. Bring Matilda." I hear a voice on the other end but can't make out what it's saying.

If I could only twist around and grab the phone...I'm so close. But if I fail I know they will most likely beat us to death with the toilet lid. Is it worth the risk?

Casey finally stops fighting and falls to her knees, blue jeans still holding onto her. I don't know if she ran out of strength or if he was hurting her.

A few minutes later I hear the metal door opening again. Black jeans moves me out of the way and tightens his grip on me, as if he's afraid I'll try and run out the door. The possibility crossed my mind briefly.

A man dressed in black enters. He has a black ski mask obstructing his face, a black hoodie drawn down over his head. For some reason it's important we don't see his face. Why? Why do the other two not disguise themselves?

Then it occurs to me; what if one of us - or both of us - know this person? The thought sends a shiver down my spine.

He says nothing; just looks at me and then Casey and moves forward to hand black jeans the object he had in his hand, the object I couldn't make out until now. It's a whip.

I feel my stomach drop to my feet when I realize what they are about to do.

Blue jeans suddenly lets go of Casey. "Stand up - and take your shirt off."

I start to object, but black jeans and the man in black hold me back tightly.

Casey stands up and faces black jeans. She shakes her head and he repeats his request again. This time Casey says, "fuck you."

Blue jeans didn't like that answer. He takes the whip and snaps it in his hands and it makes me stiffen, anticipating what we're about to get.

"Take your shirt off now, or I'll kill both of you."

I know he means it. He is certainly capable, and there are certainly enough of them to make sure the job is done.

But I don't want her to do it. I don't want her to give in to them. "Casey - no! Don't do it!" I don't want to watch them hit her with that whip, and I don't want to be hit with it either.

Casey shoots me an apologetic look and then slowly takes her shirt off. I object again, and black jeans knees me in the stomach. The sudden pain startles me.

Blue jeans nods in triumph. He instructs Casey to kneel, which she does. I close my eyes and try to turn away, but the men hold me tight.

It's hard to put into words the next few minutes. Blue jeans whips Casey repeatedly, and I have to squeeze my eyes closed once I see blood. I can't watch this. Casey is screaming for him to stop but he doesn't. The sound of the whip connect to flesh is a sound I will never forget.

When he is finished he tells black jeans and the man in black to let go of me. I stumble to the floor, crying in panic, expecting the same torture that Casey got.

He kneels down to my level, forcing my back against the wall. My breath is hitching in my throat and I'm absolutely terrified. He takes my arm and squeezes hard, making me winch.

"Let that be a lesson - don't step out of line. Don't try anything stupid. We're in control here - not you."

Then all three of them leave the room, the sound of the heavy metal door closing and locking behind them making me jump. And then the only sounds I hear are my panicked breathing and Casey crying.


	2. Chapter 2

As soon as I'm sure that they aren't coming back, I kneel beside Casey to see how bad the damage is.

She's laying on her stomach breathing heavily, crying out into her arms. I wince as I look at her back; it's pretty bad. The whip has left deep cuts and welts and her back is a bloody, swollen mess. I can't even imagine how much it must hurt.

"How...How bad?" She manages to choke out.

I don't want to tell her so I just say, "it looks worse than it is I'm sure. Come on, come back to your mattress and lie down."

She shakily stands and I can tell how much it hurts her to move. She lies down on her mattress on her stomach, burying her face into her mattress and gripping the sides.

I go into the bathroom and grab one of the towels that is folded on the countertop. I saw a silent prayer that the water works in here and turn the faucet on. Amazingly it runs. I let it run for a few minutes to see if there's actual hot water and I'm shocked when the water heats up. I wet the towel with warm water and go back and sit on the mattress next to Casey.

I take a deep breath. "I'm sorry Casey, this is probably going to hurt." I gently start to dab the blood away and Casey cries out and stiffens, digging her fingernails into the mattresses "I'm sorry. Do you want me to stop?"

She shakes her head and I slowly continue wiping away the blood.

Her flesh is swollen over her bra straps. I'm uncomfortable with the idea I have to propose to her but I do anyway. "I think you should take your bra off. I understand how awkward this is but your back is very swollen and it might help the pain a little."

Casey says nothing and carefully removes her bra, then lies back down on the mattress. I can tell she's in a great deal of pain. I finish wiping away the blood as gently as I can and go back in the bathroom. The towel is bloody and I ribose it off as best as I can and wring it out, then I toss it into the bathtub.

I have no idea how to make Casey feel better; I've never been good in these situations. I sit on my own mattress as to give her space and then I do the only thing I can - I talk. I've always retreated to words when I was unsure of something. Words have never failed me.

I start talk about myself. I don't know what else to do. The words start spilling out. "Since we're going to be here together for who knows how long, we may as well get to know each other."

I tell her ridiculous stupid information about myself. Things she couldn't care less about I'm sure. "I had a canopy bed growing up. I slept in it until I was 16. I would like to say my friends made fun of me when they came over...but I really never had any friends over. It was always me alone. Or me with the nanny or maid. I used to wish for a sister. A younger sister that I could boss around of course."

Why am I telling her this?

Casey doesn't respond but she doesn't tell me to shut up either so I just keep talking. I talk about my college experiences and people I used to date.

I come to my career and keep talking.

"Olivia and Elliot...as much as I care about them, as much as i trust them, they were good about trying my nerves as well." I laugh lightly. "But after I - " I'm not sure the right word to use. "After I 'died' I knew I couldn't leave without telling them. I knew they had to know."

I'm about to tell her something I've never told anyone else. I breathe deeply and brace myself. "Casey, my life sucks since then. I hate my life. I hate Wisconsin, I hate working at the insurance company, I even hate my house. I hate not being myself. I hate being 'Emily'. It's not me and it never will be." Emotion is creeping up in my voice and usually I'd stop talking to save myself from embarrassment but this time I don't. "That's why I came back, really. Yes I wanted to help the case, wanted to help Olivia and Elliot. But I also just wanted home. Even though I knew I probably couldn't stay, I just wanted to be Alex again even just for awhile."

I look over at Casey. She still doesn't respond and I don't even know if she's awake but I keep talking. "Did you know my mom died while I was in Wisconsin? She died thinking her daughter was dead. If she knew the truth it would have endangered her as well. I couldn't even go to her funeral."

That's one of the hardest things for me to talk about. My voice wavers and my eyes start to water.

"Want to hear some things you might be surprised to know about me?" Casey doesn't answer so I decide to tell her anyway. "I like to shop for clothes. I can never have enough clothes. I once had thirty pairs of shoes. Who has thirty pairs of shoes? I'm a workaholic. I've never owned a pet but have always wanted a cat. I love popcorn; love it. I always have to have a cupboard full of microwave popcorn at home. I used to keep boxes of it in my desk at the DA's office. Oh and I'm probably the only person who actually hates pizza. I really can't stand it."

I talk awhile longer and then sigh loudly. I plop down on my back on the uncomfortable mattress. "Well, now you know everything about me, Casey Novak. Any questions just ask me."

Just silence. I'm sure Casey is asleep or she passed out from the pain. Either way I should let her rest. So I curl up on my mattress and think about my life and what we are facing until I fall asleep.

2.

What I think is two days passes. The men bring us granola bars and sandwiches everyday and each of us are allowed one bottle of water a day.

Casey hasn't eaten anything. In fact she's barely moved or said a word. Her back is looking bad; it's still swollen and now the worst of the cuts are red and seeping pus. She says it hurts to move or breathe or pretty much do anything. I feel badly for her but don't know how to help.

On the fourth night I am awakened by Casey crying out. I scramble for the light switch and turn the light on and then quickly sit down on her mattress. She's still on her stomach with her thin blanket covering her back. It's wet and clinging to her back and I wince as I pull it away. There is so much discharge... She's shaking and tells me she's cold. Instinctively I check for a temperature and sure enough she's burning up. I know without a doubt it's from the infection in her back.

It's cold in the room but she needs the warmth more than I do, so I give her my blanket too. I know if she was able to wear her shirt it would be a help but that's just not an option right now.

I sit next to her mattress until I'm sure she's asleep again and then I retreat to mine. I curl up in a ball and hug my knees to my chest. This isn't good. That's a bad infection and she needs an antibiotic. But I know our chances of getting that are slim to none.

Somehow I fall asleep and wake up the next morning to the sound of the metal door opening. I sit up on my mattress and look at Casey. She's completely covered up but I see her breathing which is a relief.

The man whom Casey had hit with the toilet lid comes today. He has stitches on his face and an ugly bruise where the porcelain connected with his flesh. I smile to myself. _Good for you, Casey_.

Today he brings wrapped deli sandwiches and apple juice boxes. He says nothing as he sets the tray down.

"She needs an antibiotic and cream for her back," I tell him. "She's in rough shape."

He shakes his head. "I don't care."

"The last thing you need is a dead ADA," I tell him. "I'm not asking you; I'm _telling_ you that she needs these things."

He eyes Casey and then starts to walk over to her mattress. I'm suddenly angry and can't help but say, "Leave her alone. You've done quite enough."

He turns back around and I think he's going to kick or hit me but he doesn't. Instead he says, "You need something, you give us something in return. You can earn privileges. I'm sure there are things you are going to need, am I right? Soap, maybe tampons? Clean clothes? I may even be able to get you a TV."

A chill goes through me. Earn privileges...I don't think I even want to know what we have to do.

"You say she needs an antibiotic, what will you give for it?"

I stare him down. His eyes are cold, calculating. I have no interest in doing anything he wants me to do. But I know I can't let Casey die.

I close my eyes and shake my head. "Forget it. I'm not doing anything for you."

"Then you get no medication. Has she gone into septic shock yet? That's very fun to experience." He laughs bitterly.

I look over at Casey and swallow harshly. I don't think she's even aware that he's here. She's either asleep or unconscious.

"You're a monster," I tell him, keeping my voice low. "She needs help."

"And I can get her what she needs. But I need something out of the deal." He stares at me, a smile playing at his lips.

I swallow again. "What do I have to do?"

Instead of answering he takes my shirt off. Then my bra. And I squeeze my eyes closed and pretend to be somewhere else.

 **So what does everyone think? Did Alex make the right choice? And any thoughts as to who the man in black is? Please leave me a review!**


	3. Chapter 3

To my immense relief he does not rape me.

He fondles my breasts and puts his hands down my pants. I have to bite my lip to keep from crying out. He's moaning and making pleasurable sounds and I can tell he is aroused.

He kisses me and I want to vomit. I keep telling myself I'm doing this because Casey needs that medicine. It's what anyone would do to save another person.

I sit there limp, holding back tears as he finally stops touching me and unzips his pants. I inhale sharply, expecting him to push me back against the mattress and get on top of me.

But he doesn't. Instead he takes his penis out and starts to masturbate right in front of me. I look away as he tilts his head back and lets out another moan and before I know it I'm covered in his juices.

My stomach turns again. I really might throw up this time.

Finally he zips up and stands up, breathing heavily. I slide away from him, a disgusted look on my face. He looks at me satisfied and says, "See how easy it is? You give me something, I give you something."

I should have demanded to see the medicine first but I didn't want to run the chance of pissing him off to the point where he doesn't get it.

I swallow the wave of nausea that overcomes me. "Get her pain relief too."

"Don't push your luck," he tells me. To my disgust he bends down and kisses the top of my head before leaving the room. "I'll be back tonight."

I pull myself into a tight ball and just cry.

2.

Casey doesn't wake up all day. She's still feverish and her back is still swollen and full of pus. I clean her back off again, talking to her about nonsense as I do it. I don't know if she can hear me but it makes me feel better to talk. The silence had been deafening.

"So yeah, that was pretty much my first day on the job." I wrap up telling her about my first day as sex crimes ADA. Silence is my reply. I sigh loudly. "Please talk to me, Casey. Please. I can't take much more of this."

No sooner are the words out of my mouth then I hear the heavy metal door opening. I turn away from Casey, not moving from where I am. I squeeze my eyes closed, saying a silent prayer that I don't have to do anything else to "earn" Casey's medicine.

"Here's food. And something else you earned."

I stand up and tentatively approach him. He sets a tray down with cans of Pepsi and sandwiches and a small paper bag. I immediately grab the bag and let out a relieved breath when I find a bottle of Amoxicillin and a tube of triple antibiotic ointment. I roll the bag closed and hold onto it, as if expecting him to take it away.

"The Pepsi is a treat; don't get used to it." He gives me a smile that angers me to the core. "Rest well, cutie."

As soon as he's gone I rush over to Casey, shaking her awake until she groans loudly. She is hot and sweaty with infection and I know this came at the right time.

"Hey, we got an antibiotic. You need to start taking it right away."

Casey swallows and tries to sit up, wincing at the pain it causes. For a moment she forgets she doesn't have a bra on and is horrified when she's exposed. I grab the blanket and hand it to her. "Don't be embarrassed; I promise I didn't look."

She covers herself up and with a shaking hand reaches for one of the pills. I empty one into the palm of my hand and grab a can of the Pepsi and give it to her. "You should eat. I know you feel awful but you haven't eaten since we've been here and you have to eat on an antibiotic."

God, I sound like my grandmother.

She doesn't say anything so I go over and get the sandwiches. I give her one and then sit down and take a bite of mine. I don't even care what kind of sandwiches these are; I'm so hungry I'm willing to eat just about anything.

Casey just nibbles at hers. "I feel sick," she tells me softly.

"Eat it anyway."

She eats about half and takes her pill and then lies back down, this time on her side with her back facing me. I know we need to get some of the ointment on her back.

"We got a tube of antibiotic cream too. It might make your back feel better. When you feel up to it let me know and I'll put it on for you."

Casey moans a little and then says, "put it on my bed. I can do it myself."

I know she can't but I do as she asks. She's in no condition for me to argue with right now.

I watch her wince as she sits back up and squeezes out some of the ointment onto her fingers. She's reaches behind herself and starts applying the cream to her back, moaning as she does so. I'm sure it hurts.

She's struggling and I don't like to watch people struggle. "Let me help." I reach for the tube but she doesn't give it to me. "Casey, it's okay. I want to help. It won't make me think any less of you to need help."

She looks at me with pain filled eyes and manages, "you couldn't possibly think less of me."

I sigh. I don't want to do this now. "I don't want to fight with you. I just want to help make you feel better. If you don't want my help that's fine. But look, we are here together for who knows how long. We might as well get along and help each other."

She's too weak to object any further. She mutters a "thank you" to me and allows me to put the ointment on her back. By the time I'm finished she's asleep so I retreat back to my mattress.

I can't stop thinking about everything that is going on. My mind goes over every possible scenario.

I'm sure the squad is looking for us. And I know them; they haven't stopped looking. How far were we taken? Why don't either of us remember anything? What is the end game here? What is going to happen to us?

.2

Two more days go by and I feel more depressed by every passing second. Casey is getting better but still sleeps most of the day and I spend my time laying on my mattress staring at the ceiling. Is this my life now? Is that what I have to look forward to every day?

They brought a bag of clothes yesterday. Exercise shorts and white tees. Too big for both of us but they are clean so I'm willing to take what I can get. I washed my sweater and Casey's shirt in the tub and hung them over the curtain rod to dry. Guess this will be how to do laundry for awhile.

I'm startled out of my thoughts by another voice in the room. I sit up and look at the only other person here - Casey. She's sitting up looking at me and keeps talking.

"I was s tomboy; I liked football and baseball and I got in trouble once for beating up a boy that was picking on my neighbor. My mom made me apologize but later I ran back over to his house and yelled that I wasn't sorry and ran back home."

I burst out laughing. It feels so good to hear someone else talk that I could hug Casey; if I was the hugging type.

She keeps going, tell me everything about her the way I told her about me. So she did hear me after all.

"I was engaged once. We loved each other; or so I thought. He wasn't the nicest to me. But it wasn't his fault. He had mental problems and refused to get help. I tried to help him. But I ended up having to leave and..." she trails off and I can tell it's hard for her to go on. "He's dead now. I feel guilty about it every minute of every day."

I want to ask her how it happened but if she wanted me to know she would have told me. So I stay silent and let her go on.

"I worked in White Collar Crimes. Used to have to shower frequently to get the filth off me." Again I chuckle. "Now I'm an ADA with Special Victims Unit, trying to find my stride and earn the trust of my squad. Always being compared to and always trying to step out of the shadow of Alexandra Cabot."

I look away from her because I know what she is saying is true. I left quite a legacy behind and it couldn't have been easy stepping into my job.

She takes a deep breath and continues. "Random things about me? I have two guinea pigs - Meep and Peep. I like to play XBox to unwind. I'm addicted to chocolate and I certainly don't hate pizza."

I'm smiling now, despite our bleak outlook. It feels so good to have someone talk to me.

"So you did hear me," I muse.

Casey nods and cringes as she adjusts her position. "Yes. Thank you. It gave me something to focus on besides the pain."

I grab one of the white tees and toss it to Casey and she slips it on. It's not nearly as tight as her red shirt so shouldn't cause too much discomfort and I figure it will make her feel more secure than wearing nothing.

I sit down next to her, my back against the wall supporting myself. "I'm sorry if anyone ever made you feel like you aren't good enough. I'm sorry if I made you feel that way when I came waltzing back into everyone's life. I had no right to question you or make you feel inferior to me. I just didn't know you and that's...honestly that's how I react."

"Don't apologize. I can't imagine being in your place. Feeling insecure is on me; I let myself feel that way. It was a choice," she tells me.

"And your ex-fiancé, Casey, if he hurt you than you had no choice. You did what you had to do." She swallows harshly and nods. "I know I can't make you not feel guilty - sadly you will probably always feel that way. I live with guilt too and I won't sugar coat it for you; it sucks. Bad. But on the worst days you have to remind yourself that you lived through it, that you're strong and you know what's best for you."

She looks at me with tears in her eyes and says, "I'm sorry for what you went through too."

I don't even have to ask what she means; I already know. I shrug my shoulders. "Me and my relentless pursuits...Liz always told me my ambition and drive would kill me. I guess she was right."

I get up and stretch, feeling tired. "You're feeling better?" I ask.

She nods. "Still hurts a lot but yes I feel a lot better. I can't believe they brought me medicine."

I look away from her quickly and vow to never tell her how I got that medicine.

"How about we get a good night's sleep and try to figure out what's going on? I don't know about you but I need sleep. Now that I know you aren't going to die I can actually rest."

She nods and I switch off the light and settle back onto my mattress. I'm startled when something hits me; it's my blanket. Casey threw my blanket back onto my mattress.

I have just closed my eyes when Casey says, "Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"I didn't know you as Emily. But I like you as Alex."

I'm glad it's dark so she can't see the tears rolling down my cheeks. That is one of the mostt sincere and nicest things anyone has ever said to me.

 **Are you enjoying this story? I have a lot planned for it. Leave me a review!**


	4. Chapter 4

A few days pass - I'm not sure how long actually - and nothing changes. We are brought food and water once a day as usual and Casey's back continues to get better. She's going to have scarring no doubt, but the antibiotic is doing its job.

We have just been served what is supposed to be food and talking. "So Meep and Peep?" I ask with a chuckle.

Casey laughs back. "Yeah. Original, huh? They are nice little pets. I hope someone is taking care of them."

"I'm sure they are fine. I have always wanted a pet. I can't wait to meet them." I say it so casually, as if I'm sure we have a future beyond this place.

Casey looks at me and nods. "Yeah, when we get out of here, my first meal is going to be a huge pizza. I know your disdain for it but you're welcome to join me."

"Oh, I'll be so happy to be out that I'll definitely partake. Even if it is pizza."

I think it makes us both feel better to talk about being out of here. Even if I have my doubts that it will happen anytime soon. There are still so many unanswered questions about what happened.

"Do you think they will stick you back in witness protection?" Casey suddenly asks, playing with her sandwich on the tray.

I shake my head. "No. They will try no doubt but I'm not going to let them take me this time. I'm Alex. I'm not interested in being anyone else, and I need my friends."

I've never been one to admit I've needed anyone before. I'm surprised I'm able to say it so easily.

The next day, things change.

The men come before I'm even awake. I wake up to the sound of the door opening and roll onto my stomach, staring up at the door. It's just Stitch Face and his companion this time. Ski Mask is nowhere to be seen.

"Which one do you like?" Stitch Face asks his companion. "It's your choice."

I exchange glances with Casey and she looks just as terrified as I am. Stitch face walks back and forth between the two of us. "Well I've already had a taste of blondie."

Casey whips her head around and looks at me, confusion and horror on her face. I look away from her.

He stops behind Casey and puts both of his hands on her shoulders. I see her stiffen. "And even though this one did this to my face, I've always had a thing for brunettes."

The man behind me chuckles. "You may play with her as you please."

Stitch face sits down next to Casey and attempts to slide his hand up her shirt. Casey angrily pushes his hand away and says, "You are NOT touching me."

He reacts angrily, as expected. "Didn't learn anything from your whipping, huh? I'm happy to repeat the lesson. Make it a little harder to forget this time."

I feel my blood run cold. I know he means it.

He tries to touch Casey again and yet again she pushes his hand away. "Threaten whatever you want. I'm not letting you touch me."

Casey is smart. And for such a smart girl she should know when to bite her tongue.

Stitch face stands and looks at the man behind me. "Looks like we might need the tools. This one requires a little effort."

They start for the door when I stop them. I can't watch that happen to Casey again. "Wait! No, please. She's been through enough, please just do whatever you want to me. Play with me instead."

"Alex!" Casey practically screams at me. "Absolutely not!"

Stitch face licks his lips at that suggestion and then points to Casey. "That one is going to be a problem. Don't let her interfere. Restrain her."

He moves away from me and grabs Casey, restraining her. As expected she is trying to fight him off.

Stitch Face sits in front of me and motions for my shirt to come off. Reluctantly I do what he asks. Casey is still yelling at me to stop, and Stitch Face tells her to shut up or he will whip us both. Amazingly, she quiets immediately.

I try to go somewhere else in my mind as he touches me again. Anywhere else but here at this moment. He is making guttural animal sounds as his exploration of my body continues downward.

It's then Casey speaks up again. "Stop, please...I won't fight anymore. Give it to me instead."

Stitch Face turns to the man who has Casey. "You heard her. You get to have fun too." He reaches into his pocket and tosses something to his companion. "Use that. You don't know where she's been."

It's a condom. I freely start to cry, wondering how my life came to this. There's nothing either one of us can do and we both know it.

I don't watch, but I know what he is doing to her. I can tell by his sounds and Casey's quiet objections.

Stitch Face touches me for awhile longer, what seems like hours. When he's finished I push him away from me, harder than I intended. He slides off my mattress, an angry expression on his face. As soon as he gathers himself he slaps me across the face. I immediately put a hand to my cheek, the flesh burning there from where he hit me. "Bitch," he mutters to me.

I quickly look over at Casey, preparing to go over and help her. But he has finished with her and is putting his pants back on. Casey is crying and quickly scrambling to get re-dressed.

I am so angry and scared I can't put it into words. What right do they have to do this to us?

They both leave, promising to be back. I'm at Casey's side as soon as they are gone.

"Jesus Casey, I am so fucking sorry." She is shaking and crying, trying to catch her breath. I gently put my hand on her back. "Breathe. Take it easy. You're okay."

I notice blood on the sheets and feel my heart clench. It's apparent he was very violent.

I let her calm herself down for a few seconds before I probe her. "Did he - did he use the condom?"

She shakes her head and I inhale sharply and hold it. "He didn't...he didn't use his penis. He shoved - " She suddenly gets up and runs into the bathroom and few seconds later I hear her getting sick.

I look around and see what looks like part of a curtain rod laying nearby. It's covered in blood and I instantly know what Casey was going to say.

Jesus, why is this happening? I have done some things I'm not proud of in my past but nothing to deserve this. And I'm sure Casey hasn't either.

I hear water running in the bathroom and Casey emerges a few minutes later. She looks me dead in the eyes and says, "We have to get out of here. This is only going to get worse. Are you okay?"

I nod, even though I'm not. Neither of us are. "Are you?"

She's still in pain but nods anyway. She sits down and it's like she's doing everything she can to avoid looking at me. "What did he mean when he said he had a taste of you? What did he do to you before this?"

I sigh. I may as well tell her. We are stuck here together, I shouldn't lie to her. "He touched me before. Like he did today. It didn't go any further. You were really sick at the time. Passed out, which is why you didn't know. I didn't tell you because I didn't want to make things worse."

"I'm sorry," she tells me, her voice low. "Sorry I couldn't help fight him off."

I neglect to tell her that it was necessary to get her medication.

"It's ok," I say quickly before she probes further.

We sit in silence for at least a couple hours. Neither of us knows quite what to say to make this okay. Nothing we could say would make it okay anyway.

They come back a couple hours later, this time with the same man in black hoodie and ski mask as before. This time instead of trying to fight them off, Casey covers up with her blanket and stays completely silent. A part of me hurts; she's losing her will already.

Stitch face points directly at me. "You - are coming with us."

I exchange horrified glances with Casey. She gets up like she's going to come over and try something, and Stitch Face immediately holds up his hand and stops her. "Try anything - _anything_ \- and she won't be back."

Casey immediately stops and sits down.

"Are you going to get up and come with us or do we have to force you?" Stitch Face growls at me, and the man in the black steps forward.

I quickly get to my feet before he can lay a hand on me. "I'm coming with you." My voice is flat and defeated. I know I really don't have a choice; I have to go with them.

Each men grab an arm and the man in the ski mask gets behind me. They open the door and force me out, and I feel something pressing into my back. Before I can say a word, ski mask shows me a gun. And shows me that it's loaded.

"Just in case you were thinking of trying to run. Let me also say that if you do, I'll kill the other ADA. Neither of you mean a thing to me and it wouldn't matter to me either way. Remember that," Stitch Face tells me.

I lock eyes with ski mask and he quickly looks away from me but keeps the gun pressed into my back. I feel like I know his eyes, but I can't think of where I know him. If only I could I could remember...if only I could recognize...maybe then I could figure this out.

I take in my surroundings as I'm led down a hallway. It's dimly lit but I can make out a few open doors to my right. We pass through an open room with several computer monitors and what looks like a workstation. It's unmanned right now and I can't help but think how easy it would be to run to one of the computers and call for help. But I know I don't dare.

I'm led into a brightly lit room containing a chair and a laptop with a webcam. I'm forced to sit facing the webcam and Stitch Face hands me a piece of paper. "That's the script. Say exactly what's written and nothing else." He also hands me a newspaper with today's date and I suddenly know what this is.

Before I even have a chance to read the script one of the men turns on the webcam and stands behind the laptop. The man in the ski mask stands next to me, in case I dare stray or misbehave. I'm told to start talking.

I read the script and speak with the calmest voice possible. "I'm former Assistant District Attorney Alexandra Cabot. I'm being held with current Assistant District Attorney Casey Novak." I'm promoted to hold up the newspaper so I do so. "We are both alive and well. I am speaking for both of us." We are alive but I don't know about well.

I hesitate before I read the next part. My eyes got ahead of me and I don't want to read the words that are written. "You are not in charge. They are in charge. They are treating us like ladies because - " the words catch in my throat and I choke on them.

I can't do this. I'm not a puppet and I won't have someone pull my strings. I lower the script and look directly into the camera, hoping against hope that this is streaming live and they won't be able to edit it.

"They are monsters. We are not being treated like ladies. Please - you have to find us!" I plead into the camera to whomever will be watching or is watching.

Stitch face immediately tells his cohort to cut the feed. His face has gone red with anger and I know I'm about to pay for what I did. But I don't care. I hate to take the chance that it would make a difference.

He knocks me out of the chair and kicks me in the stomach until I'm coughing up blood. "Stupid, stupid girl," he keeps repeating. "Why did you do that?!"

Despite the sudden onslaught of pain and not being able to catch my breath, I grin at him. "Because you're gonna be caught."

He grabs the gun away from ski mask and points it at me, his hand shaking. I know I'm going to be shot...again. I close my eyes and brace for it. Brace for the burning of lead entering my body.

But it doesn't come. Instead, his cohort grabs the gun away from him. "You know you can't shoot this one. We need her more than we need the other one. Don't mark her up too much. And leave her pretty face alone."

Stitch face groans and grabs me, roughly pulling me to my feet. I cough again, feeling immense pain in my stomach. I no doubt have a couple cracked ribs from his kicks.

I'm roughly led back to the room we are being held in. I'm holding my sore ribs as I walk and I can't help but think that after what I just heard, I may have some leverage over these men.

Stitch Face opens the door and literally shoves me inside, closing it quickly behind me. I lose my balance and fall to my knees on the hard concrete floor.

In an instant Casey is helping me to my mattress, sensing that I'm hurt. "What did they do to you? Where did they take you? Are you okay?" She pelts me with question after question.

I take a moment to catch my breath and then look at her. "I'm fine - he kicked me but I'm fine."

I tell her what happened, try to recall every detail of what I saw on my outing. I feel like it's important to tell Casey in case something happens to me.

After I'm finished speaking, Casey goes to the bathroom and brings me a clean white tee shirt and a damp towel. I look down and realize I have a blood on my white tee. I clean myself up as best I can and lay down on my back. My ribs are burning; I'm going to be sore for awhile. But if my outburst is going to help at all, it was completely worth it.

.2

I would like to say things got better after that day. But quite the opposite.

They come every morning, sometimes twice a day. It's always the same; I'm fondled and ogled over and Casey is violated with various 'tools'. Eventually she stops fighting at all.

Things change between us too. We don't talk anymore. Casey spends most of her time completely under her blanket. I know what they are doing to her is traumatizing, and so much worse than what I am getting. I wish I could do something.

One night I am awakened from a troubled sleep by Casey shaking me awake. I immediately sit up and am on alert. Are they here? Did I not hear them enter this time?

Even in the darkness Casey seems to sense my apprehension. "They aren't here; we're still alone. I needed to talk to you."

I relax a little and sit cross legged on my mattress, staring into the darkness where Casey is crouched down beside my mattress. "What is it?"

"We're getting out of here tomorrow," she tells me quietly. "I have a plan."


	5. Chapter 5

Casey's plan just might work, but there are complications.

"But there are three of them and two of us. Plus they are much stronger," I reason.

"That's why we have to make a pact." She looks me in the eyes, seriousness written all over her face. "Whichever one of us gets the opportunity to run, to get out of here, we take it. We don't stop to help the other. We just get out of here and get help."

I don't like it, but the logical part of me know she's right.

"At least one of us has to get out of here," Casey continues. "We can't keep living like this every day. At least I can't."

"I can't either," I answer truthfully. "I'm willing to agree."

We talk about it all through the night, working out the kinks and making plans. The more we talk about it the more realistic it becomes and I begin to become hopeful.

Casey shows me the 'weapon' she's been unknowing working on. I recognize part of it right away; part of the curtain rod that stitch face first used on her. Somehow she has filed it down to a point, resembling a knife.

"How...how did you get to keep that?"

She locks eyes with me and says, "you don't want to know."

I don't probe her any further. I feel so bad for her; this poor girl has had it so much worse than me the whole time we've been here. And it's not fair.

"God Casey, I'm so - "

Casey shakes her head and holds her hand up. "Please don't say you're sorry. Please. Don't feel sorry for me."

But I do feel sorry for her. I can't help it. She's come up with this whole plan. She's made the weapon. She's put up with pain and misery much more than I have. I need to take some of the pressure off her.

"Let me do it," I tell her. "I can handle it."

She shakes her head again. "No - it has to be me. It has to be me."

Suddenly I understand why. He's used the curtain rod to violate her almost every day. He's hurt her with it in unspeakable ways. Now it's time she hurt him with it.

We don't say anything more about the plan; now it's just a waiting game for them to come. Every second it gets closer I feel panic rise up inside me even more:

Suddenly Casey breaks the silence. "I just want to say this, in case we don't see each other again. I think you're incredibly brave for coming back to New York."

I take a deep breath. "Not nearly as brave as you are right now. We're going to get out of here. And I'm holding you to that pizza."

I'm trying to be positive. We both know only one of us is leaving, even if we don't say it.

They come about an hour later. Casey and I look at each other and nod, sealing our pact and communicating that we both understand our part of the plan.

Stitch Face and his companion enter and Casey and I react the way we always do, not letting on that anything is going on. Ski Mask is not with them this time, and I feel an ounce more hope. That's one less to try and get away from. Maybe we can do this after all.

As expected, Stitch Face goes right to Casey. She looks him in the eyes and says, "I have something to ask."

He cocks his head and gives her an odd expression.

"I have been cooperating. I have been good. Could you not touch me today? I have my period and I'm really gross."

A grin breaks out across his face and he sits down next to her. "I've never minded a little blood."

He tries to reach up under her shirt and she places her hand on top of hers in an affectionate way. She looks like she wants to puke. "I had...something else in mind."

His companion sits down next to me and gets started with his fondling. I know I have to give in and allow it. Our plan is dependent upon Stitch Face's companion being distracted by me.

I'm vaguely paying attention to Casey, not wanting to let on what I'm doing.

"What did you have in mind, cutie?" He reaches out and brushes a strand of hair behind her ear. I know she wants to punch him in the face right now. She is practicing restraint very well.

Casey forces a smile. "Could I...touch you?" she asks him.

He hesitates and a part of me goes cold. He is going to know something is up. That this is a trick. Suddenly I think this is a very bad idea.

But to my surprise, he doesn't. I hear him unzip his pants and I look away, knowing what is going to happen next.

It all seems to happen in slow motion. I hear him scream, and when I turn to look he is laying on his side, clutching his crotch. There is blood everywhere.

His companion turns away from me just long enough for me to knee him in the groin, effectively knocking him over.

Casey tosses me the curtain rod. It falls short and lands a few inches from my mattress. I lunge for it, but stitch Face's companion has it in his hands before I can grab it.

I'm on my feet now and just inches from the door. I know I have my window to escape.

He seems to sense what I'm going to do. I run to the door, and he turns around to try and stop me. In an instant Casey jumps him from behind and yells at me to run.

I don't waste a second. I push the door open and run.

I run down the hallway I was led down before. Out into the workstation where I expect to see Ski Mask. But there's no one there.

I desperately look around, not sure which direction to run. I see another hallway and run down it until I see what looks like an entryway. I run out it and throw the double doors open.

Suddenly I'm outside. The sudden sunlight startles me and almost makes me fall to my knees. I haven't seen sunlight in weeks.

I turn around and look at the building I just came out of. It appears to be a small warehouse. A blue Jeep is in the driveway. I look around and see no other buildings or houses; nothing nearby expect woods.

I'm aware that I'm not being followed, but that doesn't stop me from running as fast as I can. I run into the woods, running until my lungs burn and I have to stop and lean against a tree to catch my breath. My ribs are screaming at me but I know I don't have time to waste.

I keep going further into the woods until I hear the familiar sound of traffic. A bit of hope wells up inside me and I run faster towards the sound. As I approach, I see cars whipping by and know it's a highway.

I come out on the side of the highway. I lose my balance and trip, quickly getting to my feet.

I flag down the first car I see. "Please - I need help!"

.2

Officer Trevor puts a blanket around my shaking shoulders and hands me a cup of coffee. I'm shaking so badly I'm afraid I'm going to spill it all over myself.

"We have called your unit in New York," he tells me. "They are sending someone to get you. You're going to go to the hospital and be checked out and they will get you from there."

Turns out we were taken to New Jersey. I have no immediate answers but I know once the squad gets here I will have them. I can imagine them on the highway now, going way above the speed limit to get here. That puts a smile on my face.

I am seated at Officer Trevor's desk at the Newark Police Department. I'm usually calm and collected in this kind of familiar setting. But I had been decidedly uncalm as I was dropped off and ran through the doors, shouting for anyone to help me. I was damn near hysterical as I recounted what happened, gave directions from where I came from and shouted that my friend was still there.

Officer Trevor's phone rings and he turns he back on me to answer it. I hear him mutter something I can't understand and then he says, "thank you. I will tell her."

I feel my heart drop to my feet. I don't even give him a chance to tell me before hitting him with, "What happened? Did - did they find my fiend?"

"Your friend, is her name Casey?"

I nod, realizing I had been so hysterical that I didn't even tell them her name.

"Yes, they got her and are on their way back here. She's okay."

I feel immense relief and fall back into the chair I'm sitting in. I don't like displaying emotion in front of people, but I put my face in my hands and cry.

It's over; it's really over. And we both made it out alive.

 **The story is far from over! And yes you will find out how they were taken. Leave me a review!**


	6. Chapter 6

Within twenty minutes Officer Trevor's partner is back at the precinct with Casey.

I'm not a hugger. I will tolerate a hug from someone else but I don't particularly like them and I never initiate them. But as soon as I see Casey, I jump up and hug her. She's completely covered in blood and I feel it seeping through to my clothes but I don't care.

She hugs me back weakly and tells me she's glad I made it. I say the same about her.

I'm demanding to know about the men, questioning the partner as to or not they have been arrested. Casey tells me quietly that they are both dead.

Casey spends the next half hour recounting what happened when I left.

"I jumped him and it was like he didn't care about you running. I was afraid he was going to chase after you. I bit him in the arm - hard - he he dropped the curtain rod. I knew I had an advantage so I grabbed it and tried to run out the door too. He grabbed me by the ankle. And I didn't know what to do. I just...did what I had to do to stay alive." She trails off, swallowing and looking away.

"What happened then?" Officer Trevor asks, scribbling away on his pad.

"I - I cut his throat. I knew he would have killed me. Killed us both if he caught us." Her voice breaks and I instinctively put my hand on her arm.

"How about the other one?" Officer Trevor asks.

"The other one - we called him Stitch Face - I had hurt him. But not bad enough. He came at me. I got out the door and he chased me down the hall. He picked up a crowbar and I knew he was going to beat me to death. I waited until he came at me...then I stabbed him in the chest."

As if Casey didn't have it bad enough already. Now she had to kill two men to escape.

I'm glad they are dead. But then I remember something. "Ski mask?"

She shakes her head. "I didn't see him."

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding and I tell Officer Trevor about Ski Mask and how he was familiar to me. I tell him everything I remember about his eyes and mannerisms. I never heard his voice. I never saw his face.

Shortly after we are taking to the hospital for examinations. The nurse tells me they want to do rape test kits, even though we weren't raped in its most famous meaning.

I don't object. I feel so vulnerable in the little blue paper gown as the nurse gets to work and asks me all the appropriate questions. I think about Casey and wonder if she's as scared as I am right now.

"My friend that was brought in with me," I tell the nurse. "I don't know if she will say anything about it. But she was whipped in the back. Early on. It was quite bad and should probably be checked out. I just wanted to tell someone because I'm not sure she will."

The nurse nods reassuringly at me. "I will make sure he doctor knows. Thank you."

Less than an hour later they are finished up, and they wrap my ribs to help the healing process. I have a couple cracked but I'll live through it. Small price to pay to be out of there.

When I see Casey again, she's wearing hospital scrubs. Her hair is damp and she looks relieved to see me. "They didn't want to let me shower, even after the rape test kit. I couldn't wear those blood soaked clothes. I'm surprised they didn't throw me in psych...I just started crying until the nurse finally agreed to let me shower. I couldn't stand the blood being on me. I just had to - "

She's rambling and getting worked up, and I silence her by grabbing her arm. "Casey - stop. It's okay. We got out of there and we are going home."

She apologizes and stops talking immediately. Her behavior is completely different now. When we were making the escape plan, she was calm and in control. Now she seems...different. I just can't put my finger on how.

Oh give her a break, Alex, I tell myself. She had it so much worse than you. She had to kill two men to escape. What shape would you be in?

.2

Less than two hours later, I see two faces I feared I would never see again - Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler.

They see us and practicality run down the hallway. I stand as they approach, and see Captain Cragen and a pair of U.S Marshalls trailing behind.

No words are spoken for several minutes. Olivia has tears in her eyes as she hugs me. She turns to Casey to hug her but Casey shakes her head and instead Olivia gives her hand a squeeze. Next I get a hug from Elliot and then Cragen. Guess I got enough hugs today to last a lifetime.

"What the hell happened?" I finally ask. "Neither of us remember anything after meeting with Antonio. Is he okay?"

"This isn't the place to discuss this. We have arranged to use the hospital conference room," one of the Marshalls says. "This needs to be talked about in private."

We all pile into the conference room. The door is shut and one of the marshals actually pulls the blinds on the windows.

I look across the table to Casey and she's staring at the tabletop, doing everything to avoid looking at anyone. She hasn't said a word since telling me about her shower. I know some people process and handle things differently than others, but something else seems to be going on. I don't say anything though.

"The last thing you both remember is the meeting with Antonio?" Cragen asks, leaning forward on the table.

Casey nods and I say, "nothing after that. We woke up...in that room." Elliot and Olivia look at each other. "Did something happen after that?"

"One of Connors cronies infiltrated your protection detail," Elliot tells me. "Outside the courtroom, right before you were set to testify is when it happened." He turns his attention to Casey. "Do you remember being asked to step into the hall for a private meeting by one of the Marshalls?" She shakes her head. "Well you did, and surveillance shows you both getting into an elevator with him. You were last seen in the parking garage...then nothing."

"You were obviously drugged," Olivia pipes up. "Most likely an injection that you didn't even notice. That's the way these things are done. Without a tox screen it's impossible to say what drug..and too much time has gone by now. A lot of street drugs are known to fog your memory. Some people don't remember a whole day."

"But I didn't recognize either of the men that were there. There was one, in a ski mask...I felt he was familiar. I had seen his eyes before. He wasn't there when we escaped." I try to work this out in my mind, to figure out how the pieces fit together.

Cragen opens a folder he had been holding and slides a photo across the table so that me and Casey can both see it. Casey gasps and looks away quickly and I'm filled with anger when I see the face of Stitch Face looking back at me.

"Stitch Face," I say aloud. I see the confused expressions on my friends' faces and feel the need to explain. "That's what we called him. Casey injured him. When we saw him after that he had stitches in his face." I look at the picture again. "He wasn't on my protection detail."

"He wasn't," Cragen says. "But he was an associate of this man."

Another picture is presented to us, and this one I recognize. It's a Marshall I was interested to when I returned to New York. Assigned to protect me during my stay. I don't know what to say; words have left me. It never occurred to me that I couldn't trust someone assigned to protect me.

Was he the man in the ski mask? For some reason I feel it wasn't him.

"But he wasn't there..." I clear my throat, my mind not being able to process this. "Where is he? Do you have him in custody? Who were the other men? Why were we taken?"

"We haven't been able to locate him. But we have an APB out on him. And the man you called Stitch Face - his real name is Larry Gann. He's wanted in three states in connection with human trafficking," Cragen explains.

Human trafficking...my blood runs cold. Is that what they were going to do with us? "But that makes no sense...why take us! We don't fit the profile. We're older than the usual targets."

"We don't think they took you to traffic you," Elliot says, looking at me and then at Casey. "We were contacted a few days after you both disappeared. Told to drop the charges against Liam Connors. That they had you guys, were going to use you as leverage. Alex, as the star witness, they needed your testimony. Casey, you were prosecuting the case. It was just too easy for them to get rid of both of you and eliminate two obstacles. They knew we wouldn't let two Assistant District Attorneys die. We were in talks with the DA's office to dismiss charges against Connors."

"Then we were sent a feed from a webcam a few days ago," Olivia says. She looks right at me. "I'm sure you know which one."

So they did see the video. They did get my message.

"We had computer crimes working to get us a location. We were close, and then...we got this call."

"You mean you were going to let him go?" I ask incredulously. My voice hits a higher pitch than I mean for it to. "You were going to let him walk free after what he did to me? After what he did to Antonio, and countless others?"

Cragen sighs. He obviously was expecting this reaction from me. He's known me long enough to expect it. "Alex, we weren't going to let you two die. Sometimes justice can't be served in the way we want it to. We would have found a another way to take him down."

Suddenly without warning, Casey gets up and leaves the table. I call after her, but she slams the door behind her. "Go with her," I instruct one of the marshals.

I return my attention to my friends. "That's unacceptable," I say. "That man took my life!" My voice quivers but I don't stop. "I was robbed of everything and put in a place I hated. Alex Cabot really was dead. Then I come back here to help put him away and he tries to kill me again by abducting me and the ADA putting him on trail. And then let me get this straight ," I sit forward in my seat. "You were just going to let him go? I would have rather died for real. I would have rather sacrificed myself to make him pay."

Olivia closes her eyes and then opens them. "Alex..."

"No. Don't 'Alex' me. Tell me he is still in custody? Tell me you didn't already set him free?"

"He's still in jail," Elliot says. "Where he will stay now that we have you two back."

"But you aren't safe," Cragen says. "The Marshalls want to assign you a new identify and move you somewhere else."

"Absolutely not," I say quickly. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm not losing my life again. I will submit a formal refusal. I will accept a police protection detail until Connors is put away. But I'm not leaving."

"You understand that's the wrong choice - that you will be in danger even with protection," the other Marshall tells me.

I nod. "I do." I look around the table at my friends. "But I was living a life as someone I could never really be. And we just went through one of the worst hells imaginable. The only place I'm interested in going is home."

.2

We have been back in New York for three days. I'm back in my apartment. Apparently the apartment is still mine; it was held in a trust after I "died".

My police detail is out in the hallway. I insisted they not stay in the apartment with me. I need my privacy, given everything that has happened.

We are supposed to be having a little get together at the precinct this weekendt. To celebrate our coming home, and me returning to life. That's no easy feat. It takes a lot of paperwork to bring someone back from the dead.

Everyone wants to talk about what happened to us. I've had reporters outside my building and they've been swarming around the DA's office as well. Me and Casey were asked to do an interview with the local news. She's yet to agree to it and I'm indifferent.

The bigger question I'm being asked - am I going to get my job back? Am I going to walk right back into it? It's a challenging question. I would love nothing more than to get it back. But it's not my job now. Casey has been doing it for almost a year. What kind of person would I be to waltz back in and just take it?

I have a meeting scheduled with Jack McCoy in a couple days. I will find out then what my options are.

I get a call from the publicist the DA's office hired to handle all the media attention that me and Casey are receiving. I answer the phones and cringe when I hear her over excited voice.

"Miss Cabot! Susanne here. How are we today?"

I cringe again. 'We' are fine. "I'm as good as can be expected. What can I do for you?"

"I've managed to talk Miss Novak into agreeing to do the interview with WKY7. Are you still on board?"

I want to ask what magic wand she waved to get Casey to agree to that. Casey was so adamantly against it. She hasn't left her apartment since we've been back. I wanted to talk to her but I'm respectful of space so I've left her alone. Some people take longer than others to come around.

"Uh, yes I'm up for it. I was under the impression that Casey didn't want to do it."

"She's changed her mind," is the only explanation I'm offered. "I will set up the interview for tomorrow evening. Does that fit your schedule?"

I almost laugh at the suggestion. Yeah, I have so much going on. "That's fine. Let me know a finalized time."

We disconnect and I wonder just how well this is going to go.

.3

Susanne is talking a mile a minute, telling me and Casey what to expect from the interview. We're both seated in chairs in the newsroom of WKY7 getting makeup done.

Casey keeps picking at the microphone clipped to her sweater and appears very fidgety and nervous. She glances at me and says, "they want us to appear 'natural' but yet they are caking this makeup on?" Casey glares at her reflection in the mirror. "This isn't even what I look like."

"Makeup looks better on camera, dear," Susanne answers cheerfully. Casey gives her a death stare and I almost burst out laughing. "And lets make sure that Alex doesn't do all the talking? Everyone wants to hear from you too. You're the reason you guys were able to escape. You're a hero. So make sure you talk."

Casey looks away from her reflection and doesn't reply. I hope this isn't an indication of how the interview is going to go. I certainly don't want to be accused of letting it turn into the Alex Cabot show.

This is a live segment, so we're led onstage during a commercial break and quickly introduced to the news anchors, Lisa and Christian. They are practically salivating with excitement, no doubt seeing ratings in us reliving our nightmare.

We sit on the interview couch and are quickly cued in to when the broadcast returns.

Christian wastes no time introducing us to the audience and reiterating why we are here. I can sense Casey fidgeting beside me. She's nervous.

"First off I want to say welcome home, ladies. Glad you are both safe," Lisa begins.

I force a smile. "Thank you."

"Can I ask what it was like? How you felt when you realized what was going on?" Lisa asks.

They are like vultures - they waste no time. I hesitate to give Casey a chance to answer. When she doesn't, I jump in. "Well as you can imagine it was scary. We both had short term memory loss and couldn't remember what had happened to put us in the situation we found ourselves in."

"Were you drugged? Or hit in the head?"

"Apparently drugged but we don't know exactly what," I say. I steal a glance at Casey. She's playing with her microphone again. I subtly elbow her to indicate that she should say something.

"But how did you feel?" Christian asks. She leans forward.

Suddenly Casey does speak up. "How do you think we felt?" she snaps, as if that was the most ridiculous question she was ever asked. And it probably was.

Christian ignores her outburst. She plasters on a fake smile and reaches over and places her hand over top of Casey's. "I can only imagine. Can you tell us what was going through your mind?"

Casey jerks her hand away and says, "Please don't touch me. And if you can imagine how we felt then I'm sure you can imagine what was going through our minds."

I quickly start talking to redirect some attention off Casey. This was a terrible idea but there's no getting out of it now.

"I understand this next question may be personal," Lisa says. She looks at me and not Casey. "Were you...mistreated? How did you deal with that?"

I'm about to answer when Casey scoffs. "Mistreated? Is that what you're calling it?"

Lisa shifts her attention to her. "What happened? Are you able to talk about it?"

Instead of answering, Casey stands up. She looks at me and says, "We're done here." She rips off her microphone and angrily tosses it to the floor. She looks at Christian and Lisa and says, "This interview is over," before heading off the stage.

"I'm so sorry," I tell the news anchors. "She's having a hard time."

I know I should sit and finish the interview but that doesn't feel right to me. I get up and follow Casey backstage where Susanne is already all over her for walking off.

"That was completely unprofessional," Susanne says. "You represent the District Attorneys office. I know you went through a lot - "

"You don't know the half off it!" Casey yells at her.

I know I have to step in before this escalates any further. "Okay," I say, stepping right in front of Susanne. "You need to back off. I understand you have a job to do. But Casey is right. You need to walk away right now. Right now. You can tell Jack McCoy that I gave you that order."

Susanne looks at me for a moment and then nods. She gathers her notebook and papers and leaves us alone.

Looks like I still have the ability to intimidate.

Casey is leaning on the makeup table, gripping the edges so hard i can see her knuckles turning white.

"Okay, if you didn't want to do in the interview you should have just said so instead of sabotaging it."

Casey glares at me. "I did say I didn't want to do it. Jack McCoy called me and said I had to."

I'm instantly pissed off and know I will be placing a call to him by day's end.

"Well I'm sorry." I don't know what else to say.

Casey grabs her purse off the makeup table. "Forget it. It's not your fault. I'm going home."

I know I should say something else. She's very upset and it wouldn't be right for me to just let her leave. "Casey, you had it so much worse than me. I think you need to talk to someone. You're not handling this well and it's completely understandable. But you - you really do need to talk to someone. I'm just speaking from experience here. You keep it all inside it's so much worse."

She doesn't directly respond to what I've just said. Instead she says, "you don't get it, okay? I know you're trying to help. But I have to deal with this on my own."

"I don't get it?" I echo. "I was there. I was with you every minute; I _definitely_ get it."

"No, you don't." She starts to walk away. "You're better off not knowing."

I'm confused. "What the hell are you talking about? Better off not knowing what?"

She turns to face me. "That I lied!" That stops me right in my tracks. "I lied to you, and I lied to the police. About what really happened after you got away."

I start to say something and she stops me. "No - this one you can't fix by talking. I'm going home. Don't follow me."

I probably shouldn't, but I let her leave. And I wonder just what could have happened.


	7. Chapter 7

My meeting with Jack McCoy doesn't go without it's complications.

"If you feel you are ready to return to work, I can offer you your old job back."

I would love that. Truly love that. I can't think of anything that would make me feel more like Alex Cabot than being back in my office and back in the courtroom.

"What about Casey?" I ask. I don't want to just take this from her.

"She doesn't know when she will be able to return to work. And we need someone right away. If and when she decides she is ready to return, I will find a spot for her. Special Victims could use an extra ADA."

I agree to come back in two days time. I have some things I have to take care of before I jump back into work with both feet.

"And Alex, I just wanted to add this," Jack looks at me with a serious expression. "I am sincerely glad you are okay. And I am very, very glad to have you back in this office. If there's anything I can do for you, please let me know. If you need a professional to talk to, we can set you up with that. Whatever you need, just say the word."

I thank him and leave his office. As soon as I step out into the hallway, my protection detail is behind me. Staying just far enough away but I still resent them being there. I imagine out running them and walking freely down these familiar halls. That idea puts a smile on my face.

I notice some people looking at me as I walk by. I vaguely recognize faces in the halls as former colleagues and staffers.

I go to Casey's office - which used to be my office. The door is shut and for some reason it feels intrusive to go inside. After a moments hesitation I open the door and go inside.

It looks - and feels - so different now. The book case is still on the same side but the desk has been moved. Casey's degrees and baseball memorabilia adorn the walls. I sit down at the desk.

I feel powerful just sitting at this desk. It's quite cluttered, Casey's laptop nearly completely obstructed with papers. I pull open the top desk drawer. Paper clips, pens, various other office products. A bag of caramel candies.

 _What am I doing? Why am I going through her drawers_? I scold myself. I get up and wander to the table in the back.

"Hey, Alex,"

A voice startles me. I jump and turn around to find Olivia standing in the doorway. "Didn't mean to scare you. I saw the door was open and thought maybe Casey was here."

"Oh, no she isn't. I'm just having a look around. Reminiscing I guess. I really shouldn't be in here."

Olivia closes the door behind her so we're alone. "Word is that you're coming back"

"I am. In a couple days."

We sit down at the table to talk. I don't feel right sitting at the desk.

I've always felt like I could talk to Olivia easily. Of course there were things I would never tell her. But I always got the impression that I could trust her with anything.

She and I haven't had a private conversation since we've been back. I know there are things she wants to ask me.

"Is there anything you want to talk about?" she asks me. "Do you want to tell me about what happened?"

I look away from her and sigh loudly. "Where to start?"

She places her hand on my arm gently as if to give me strength. "Did they...hurt you?"

I can't look her in the eyes when I talk about this. I swallow harshly. "They touched us. Nearly everyday. I just got fondled."

" _Just_ got fondled? You say it like it's nothing. That's not nothing."

"I know. That isn't what I meant. I just mean it wasn't as bad as what Casey got." I feel a lump in my throat as I remember. "They would touch me but never raped me. I got kicked around after I went off script on the webcam. It was just...something I don't want to remember. The last few nights I've been home I have woke up in a panic. I think I'm there again until I switch on my lamp and realize I'm safe at home."

"I'm sorry, Alex. No one deserves that," Olivia says gently.

"What they did to Casey was worse. She tried to fight them. The first day we were there, they whipped her. Really badly. She got infection. I honestly thought she was going to die. They brought an antibiotic after I agreed to let them touch me the first time." I close my eyes and look away, and Olivia squeezes my arm. "I had to. I couldn't let her die. They would touch her too but it was always worse. They used..." I don't know the word I'm looking for. "Objects on her. I never said anything about the blood afterwards. But there was always blood. They would always make her bleed. I never knew what to do to help. She wouldn't talk about it. She didn't talk much at all when it started. But she came up with the escape plan."

I don't know what to tell her about after I escaped, because after the botched interview I don't know what the truth is. I do intend to get the truth out of Casey but it has to be at the right time.

Olivia gets a call and has to leave, and we make plans to see each other at the get together this weekend.

I stay behind in the office. I'm not as composed as I appear to be. Rehashing what happened to Olivia has taken a toll on me. I lean forward and put my head in my hands and wonder where I'm going to go from here.

.2

The squad really went overboard.

The media room is decorated with a banner that reads "welcome back Alex!" and there's a lavish cake sitting in the middle of the table.

I can't help but smile. "You guys didn't have to do this."

"You came back from the dead; we spared no expense," Munch says. "Let's just not wait too long to cut the cake, huh?"

It turns out to be a really fun get together. Cragen, Munch, Fin, Olivia and Elliot are here. We don't talk about what happened. We catch up and lightly laugh. There's a positive vibe in the air and it feels good. For the first time in a long time I start to feel like me again.

It's not until I'm eating my cake that I realize someone is missing.

"Casey didn't show," I point out the obvious. "Has anyone talked to her?"

Glances are exchanged and then Olivia says, "we didn't want to say anything and bring down the party. But she was here today packing up her office. She put in her resignation yesterday."

I almost choke on my cake. "What! McCoy didn't say anything about that to me."

Olivia shrugs. "I tried to talk to her. But she's never been especially fond of me."

I don't stay too long at the party. It loses its vibe after I find out that Casey resigned.

It's almost eleven at night but I decide to go visit Casey. I'm almost positive she isn't asleep.

I stop and get a pizza, and Olivia texts me her address and I make my Police protection detail to stay outside her building while I go in. She's probably not going to want to see me anyway, and compounding that with police hanging around would probably cause her to shut me out completely.

She doesn't have a doorman but I find her apartment number and hit the buzzer. After a few buzzes she answers.

"Casey? It's Alex. I wanted to come by and check on you. I brought a pizza."

She doesn't respond but the door opens so I go inside, saying goodbye to my police detail. It's kind of nice to be rid of them.

I opt for the stairs and try not to drop the pizza box as I jog to her floor. I'm not a pizza fan but it does smell really good.

I find her apartment easily and I knock on the door. I hear footsteps and then the door opens just enough for me to see her.

"Hey. I thought you might be hungry," I say, presenting the pizza box. She looks at it and then looks back at me.

I can smell the alcohol on her breath before I see the glassy look in her eyes.

"You might as well come in," she rasps, holding the door open and letting me step inside. She shuts and locks the door after I enter.

I take in the scene. Empty vodka bottles around a couch with blankets strewn about. The TV on and tissues all over the floor.

I put the pizza down on the coffee table and drop my purse as well. "So does the booze help?"

She shrugs and grabs another bottle off the TV stand. She lifts it to drink it but I take it away from her. "I think you've had enough."

She shrugs again and moves away from the door. "I'm already drunk so it doesn't really matter."

Yeah, I can certainly tell. She's like a completely different person. I sit down on the bed and she crosses her arms and stares at me. "What do you want, Alexandra?"

I ignore her using my formal name because she knows it bothers me. I told her as much when we were being held. "I was worried about you. Olivia said you resigned."

"Yeah so you get your job back. You should be happy."

"It doesn't make me happy at all," I tell her. "I came here in the middle of the night because I was worried you are self destructing and I was right. You aren't handling things well. You need help. I don't want to watch you walk down this lonely road. Once you start down it, it's a long trek back. Sober up and talk to me."

For a moment she looks stone cold sober as she says, "I _can't_."

"Why?" I pry. "What can't you tell me?"

"If you knew what I did...you wouldn't want to be my friend. Nobody would."

"I'll be the judge of that," I tell her. "And right now there isn't anything you could tell to make me change my mind. Olivia and Elliot feel the same way. They wanted to come with me. I told them you might feel attacked with three of us coming to talk to you."

Casey turns her back on me, staring out the window. "You're good at talking. But it doesn't solve everything. Not for everyone."

"You're right," I say gently. "It doesn't solve everything. But it sure helps. And without talking, you can't even start to solve anything."

She's silent for a moment and doesn't take her eyes off the window. "I don't think this is fixable. And you're better off not knowing."

"Okay." I decide to humor her. I take my shoes off and sit on the couch and she gives me a puzzled look. "Whatever you want, Casey. But I'm not leaving you in this condition. I'm staying here until you sober up and talk to me."

Casey kind of snickers and says, "look at you, Friend of the Year. Give you a gold star."

"You can be cruel all you want. It won't make me go away." She's about to see just how stubborn Alex Cabot can be. "And friend of the year? Don't know about that. You know, I was never really a good friend before. At least I don't think I ever was. But you taught me how to be a good one. So thank you."

She doesn't know what to say to that. She looks away from me again. I know I'm getting through to her, little by little.

Casey sits on the other end of the couch. "We aren't being held against our will anymore; you're under no obligation to pretend to care or pretend to be my friend."

I take off my shoes and socks to show her I am serious about staying. "Oh I don't pretend. One thing to know about me is I am not a fake person. If I don't like someone they know it. They get the Ice Queen. I wouldn't be here if I wasn't interested in being your friend."

I wait for her to start talking but she just draws her legs up onto the couch and kind of clams up, she I take this as my cue to keep going.

"I was hoping you would come to the party tonight. Did you not know about it?"

"I knew. Not in the mood for a party," she answers quickly.

I grab the remote off the table and pretend to be interested in the Tv. "So what are we watching? What do you like?"

Casey just stares at me like she can't believe what I'm doing. "Why are you here?"

"Already told you," I answer quickly. I find an X-Files rerun and stop. "Ohhh, have you ever seen this? Such a good show."

"Jesus, Alex," Casey says. She gets up off the couch. She's definitely tipsy but I wouldn't classify her as drunk. "Just go home. It's almost midnight."

I shrug. "I'm fine. And if you aren't going to eat this pizza then I will." I grab a piece right out of the box and take a bite.

She's standing with her arms crossed and I think she's going to tell me to leave again but she doesn't. I try to get her to eat some pizza and when she refuses I don't push it.

"Manhattan sure will be suffering a loss if you were serious about that resignation," I suddenly say.

This causes her to finally look at me. "Well you're back. I think they will recover just fine."

She picks up the remote. "I'm going to bed. If you're seriously staying here, turn the TV off when you go to sleep please."

Once she disappears down the hall and I hear a door close, I turn on the living room light. I look around and shake my head. This is definitely not the way to deal with what happened.

I am not tired in the least so I take it upon myself to clean up. I get rid of all the vodka bottles and fold up the blanket on the couch. I clean up the tissues that are strewn about. I put the pizza box in the fridge and even put some dirty dishes in the dishwasher.

I fall asleep on the couch at some point, because I am awakened by Casey screaming.

It startles me awake, and I know right away she's having a nightmare. I know because I too have been getting them every night since we've been back.

I don't exactly know where her room is so I follow the sounds and find it easily. I go inside and turn on the lamp on the nightstand.

Casey has her blankets in a big pile at the foot of the bed. She's tossing and turning and covered in sweat. I wake up in a similar condition almost every morning.

"Casey - " I gently reach out and shake her awake. She is slow to wake and when she does, she freaks out and slides away from me as if I'm going to hurt her.

"It's Alex. I'm not going to hurt you. You were having a nightmare. Everything is okay," I say softly, trying not to make any sudden movements or speak too loudly.

Casey visibly relaxes. She sits up, seemingly fully awake now. "A-Alex. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."

I shake my head. "Don't worry about it. I've been having nightmares too. I understand."

Casey suddenly moves away from where she was sitting. She sighs loudly and says, "Fuck, I pissed myself. Jesus Christ I'm pathetic."

I feel so badly for her. She's embarrassed. "Hey don't worry - it happens." I get up off the bed. "Where are your clean sheets?"

"I'll take care of it," she says quickly. "Go back to sleep. I'm getting in the shower then I'll clean it up."

I wait until I hear the water turn on then I rummage around for clean sheets. I find some folded in the closet and quickly take the soiled sheets off and replace them. I hope she isn't upset with me for doing so; but I feel it's the least I can do.

She comes out of the shower a few minutes later and seems surprised yet relieved that I took care of it. She gets back in bed and looks at me. "You're not at all what people say."

I smile. "Ice Queen?"

"Well...Yeah. Even when I first met you I felt you judging me. But I don't feel that way anymore."

"It's an act," I admit to her. "Not this - the Ice Queen. It's true I'm not the warmest person; hence the nickname. When I'm at work I'm at work and I don't let emotions control me. That's difficult for some people. I have to act detached, like I don't care. It makes things easier to deal with. At least for me. If everyone thinks I'm a cold uncaring bitch then they won't expect anything else from me, you know? It's easier to not disappoint that way."

What I said didn't really make any sense but Casey seems to understand. She tells me she's tired and needs to go back to sleep and I'm about to leave her room when she calls me back.

"Would you stay with me until I fall asleep?" she asks me.

I can tell how hard it was for her to ask me that. It's probably the first time in a long time she's ever asked anyone for help.

"Of course. I'll sit right here. Let me know if you need anything, ok?"

She falls asleep quickly and it's not until I'm positive that she's asleep that I leave and go back to the couch.

.3

I wake up on the couch, a kink in my neck and Casey standing over me. I sit up and yawn, not even knowing what time it is.

"You stayed," Casey says in disbelief, as if it's so shocking that I stayed.

"Yeah." I feel dull aches in my body as I stretch. "You should feel special - Alex Cabot doesn't sleep on the couch for anyone."

"And my couch sucks so I apologize," Casey tells me. She hands me a cup of coffee.

She's definitely sobered up and appears she may have even slept after I left her room. She sits down next to me and sips her own cup of coffee. "Thank you for last night. You really helped me."

"You're welcome. Everyone needs help every now and then. Don't be afraid to ask."

We sit in silence for a few minutes. Then Casey says, "Alex...I have to tell you something. It's not going to be easy to hear but I have to tell you."

 **Next chapter you find out what really happened. Any predictions? And some people are asking if you will find out who Ski Mask was. Yes...but not quite yet.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Notifications didn't go out for Chapter 7, Which was posted yesterday. Don't know why. Make sure you read it before you read this one!**

"Of course," I tell her, sitting my coffee cup down so she has my full attention.

She swallows harshly, staring at an invisible spot on the wall. "I didn't have to kill him."

"What do you mean?"

She finally meets my eyes. Hers reflect sadness and regret; I know those feelings all too well. "Stitch Face. When I stabbed him the first time, it incapacitated him. There was no way he could have gone after me. I lied when I said he chased me."

She pauses a moment but I don't say anything. I just let her gather herself and go on.

"He was lying there on the ground, and I approached him. I had the curtain rod in my hand. Suddenly I had power over him; he no longer had power over me. He was begging for his life. Begging for it. I could have just walked away. I could have just left him there to be arrested and pay for what he did."

She stops again and I encourage her to go on. I know it's important she get this out.

"But I was so filled with rage from what he did to me - what he did to us - that I stabbed him in the chest. Twice. Just to make sure he was gone. To make sure he couldn't hurt us or anyone else anymore. And then I stabbed him again. I don't even know how many times." She looks at me, tears trailing down her cheeks. "I murderered him. And it felt good, Alex. It felt good. But it makes me a monster just like him."

I shake my head, reaching out and taking Casey's hand. I know this hard for her. I can see how much it's costing her. But she is not a monster.

"You're not a monster, Casey," I tell her gently. "I've dealt with monsters every day for years. You're not even close."

She shakes my hand out of hers, as if she doesn't think she deserves the comfort I was trying to give her. "Explain to me how it's different..what I did. I didn't have to kill him. But I'm glad I did. And that scares me."

"It's different because you went through hell, Casey. Physical and physiological hell. He tortured you in ways that no person should ever be tortured. He tortured us both but you got it so much worse than me. And he most certainly would have killed you and probably me too if you hadn't killed him. Survival instincts kick in. And it wasn't murder."

"How do you figure?" she asks.

"Murder is killing a person. He certainly wasn't a person."

She thinks about what I just said but doesn't seem to buy it. "The police called me yesterday, since what I told them didn't match up to what they found. I had said I stabbed him in the hallway and both men were found in the room."

"What did you tell them?"

"I just said I had been so scared and upset I must have just gotten it wrong. They didn't push it any further."

I know it took a lot of courage for her to tell me what she just did. And suddenly I can understand why she's been taking everything so hard.

"You didn't do anything wrong, Casey," I tell her. "But don't tell anyone what you just told me."

She meets my eyes. I think she's going to say something but instead she just nods. I know she understands.

"I don't take what I did lightly," Casey says, looking into her coffeee cup. "I've thought about it every day. I just can't get over it. I don't know how to put it behind me. Everything changed me so much." Tears well up in her eyes. "I don't trust. When when Olivia tried to hug me back in New Jersey, I was scared. The logical part of me knew she wouldn't hurt me. But I couldn't help but be scared. And that's so ridiculous. So ridiculous and stupid."

"No it's not," I tell her. "We always tell Victims that they have to heal at their pace. And as much as neither of us want to admit it, we are victims."

That's the first time I came right out and said it. And as soon as its out of my mouth and floating in the air I know it's the truth.

Victim. That's what I am.

"Does it feel good to talk about it?" I ask. "Do you feel any better at all?"

Instead of answering, Casey says, "I just need to deal with it. I just need some time. That's why i resigned. I just can't go back to work right now."

I grab my purse off the cofffeetabke and rummage through it, looking for the one object I know is there; has always been there. When I find it I pull I out and give it to Casey.

"I've never told anyone this, but I saw a therapist for years. I had anxiety and had a tough time dealing with it. This is the doctor I saw. He was incredible. I'm not trying to push therapy on you but it did help me. So at least consider it."

She does take the card and slides it into her jeans pocket. "Thank you. I will think about it."

I have a lot to do today but I make it clear I am willing to stay if Casey needs to talk. She assured me she is fine and we part ways.

Part of my job has always been to be able to read people. To know when I am being lied to.

I should have known better than to believe her when she said she was fine.

.2

I jump back into work with both feet. I have a lot on my mind and work helps me focus on something I can actually do something about.

Everyone is on eggshells around me. I definitely put a lot of pressure on other people, but never more than I put on myself. And I'm doing my absolute best not to give off the Ice Queen vibe on my first day back.

I convinced Jack McCoy not to take Casey's resignation seriously. I told him to tell her he can't accept it. I'm certain I can persuade her to come back if I'm given a few days to work on it.

Halfway through the day, Olivia comes to see me. She doesn't need anything for any current cases - she just wants to see how I'm holding up.

I look around my temporary office. Nothing is "me" in here. I haven't moved any personal effects in yet. There are law books and a TV and the whole office gives off a very sterile aura. I'm happy for the distraction when she comes to see me.

"I'm doing well; happy to be back home," I tell her. And by home I don't mean just back in Manhattan; I also mean back to work for the DA's office. This is where I belong.

"I wanted to see if you're up for getting drinks tonight with me and Elliot. Thought we could have a good time and forget everything that's been happening."

It does sound like fun. I used to have a lot of fun going out with Elliott and Olivia. And it would help get my mind off things

What could it hurt?

"That sounds like fun," I agree. "I'll meet you guys there around seven?"

We make plans and I say goodbye to Olivia so I can get back to work.

I text her awhile later to see if she minds if I invite Casey. She won't come - I'm sure of it - but I would still like to invite her. Olivia agrees but when I call Casey it goes to voicemail. So I just decide to drop by after work and see if she wants to come. Maybe I can plant the first seed of her coming back to work when I'm there.

But this time when Casey lets me in, her place looks much, much different.

I was just here two days ago, and in those two days she's packed everything in the apartment into boxes. It's clear without me asking that she's planning to go somewhere.

"What is going on?"

"I'm leaving," she tells me. "I can't be here anymore."

I thought things were going better after our talk. I guess I was wrong.

"Where are you planning to go?"

Casey just shrugs, taping a box shut. "Anywhere but here."

"So you were just going to leave? Without saying goodbye to me - or anyone else?"

I can tell she feels guilty. She briefly looks at me. "I was going to leave Meep and Peep with your doorman. I thought you might take them in for me."

I certainly would have but I don't tell her that. I'm actually angry right now. Angry that Casey would be so selfish and care so little about herself that she would run away like this.

"I'm leaving in the morning," Casey says, walking into the kitchen and coming back with another spool of tape.

I want to yell at her, grab her by the shoulders and scream some sense into her. But I know that wouldn't be the most sensible approach. I know there are other ways to get through to her.

"Please don't go." I say it so softly that I'm not sure I actually spoke. But I must have, because Casey stops taping her box and looks at me.

"What?"

"Don't go, Casey," I repeat, and I say it like I mean it this time.

She stares at me for several seconds before asking, "why?"

"Because it's the wrong choice. You can't run away from this. I know it may seem like you have no other option...but Casey, you do. If you run away you will be alone, and that's the absolute worst thing you can be." I'm getting emotional now but I don't stop. "Trust me; I know."

Casey closes her eyes and opens them again, her teary eyes matching mine. "I don't feel like me anymore. This is where Casey Novak belonged. And I don't feel like that person anymore."

"I know exactly how you feel," I tell her. "When I was Emily, I felt that every day. Every second of every day. And I had no one. No family, no friends. I didn't know the neighborhood or anyone in it. I didn't belong at all. I was in a really dark place for a long time."

Casey looks away from me, at something that is obviously very interesting on the floor.

"But you - you have friends. You have so many people who care about you, and they are all here. Olivia, Elliot, Fin, Munch...they are your friends. Me, Casey - I'm your friend. And I don't give people that title lightly. And you know what? I need my friends too. And you're one of them. I need you."

Casey shakes her head. "You don't need me - you have so many other people."

"Yes but none of them know what it's like. What we went through together...it was horrible. And I don't think we would have gotten through it without each other. For weeks we only had each other. We couldn't take a piss without the other knowing. We were complete strangers before this happened. And now I feel like I know you better than I know anyone else."

Casey starts to cry, and she wipes her eyes with her sleeve. "I just feel so lost. I don't know how to get through this."

I reach out and squeeze her arm. "That's what we are for; to help you. You can talk to me anytime. My phone works twenty four hours a day and you know where I live."

At first I think it's working. I think I'm weakening her resolve.

But then she looks at me sadly and says, "I don't know who I am, Alex." She sidesteps away from me and asks me to leave.


	9. Chapter 9

The next week passes quickly. I jump back into work feet first. When I'm not busy prepping for a case or pouring over paperwork, I'm thinking about what next is going to be put on a plate. I don't stop and take any time for myself, which I know is a bad thing; but I can't help it. Work keeps my mind focused on things I can control.

Unfortunately I was not able to talk sense into Casey. She left a week ago, leaving her guinea pigs with me. No one knows where she went. I've left a few voicemails asking her to call me but have not gotten any return calls.

I decided not to reach out anymore right now. She thinks being on her own will help. I have to respect that.

Truth be told, I am having a hard time dealing with everything. Being back in New York, being me again...it's not as easy as I thought it would be. My outward appearance is my usual calm and collected self. Alex Cabot is always professional and stoic.

But inside I'm a mess.

I jump at every little noise I hear. I wake up screaming, covered in sweat and panicking until I realize where I am and can calm myself down. I've locked myself in my office more times than I'd like to admit this week claiming to be working, when in fact I was in the middle of a full blown panic attack. I have to hide it from everyone. They think I'm fine, and it's better they think that way.

I've made an appointment with my former therapist next week. I know I need help dealing with everything. I need someone to talk to. The only other person I felt I could be honest with and would understand is Casey and she's not here anymore.

On Friday I'm finishing up paperwork in my office when there's a soft knock on my office door. "Alex, it's Olivia. Can I come in?"

I invite her inside and she hesitates just inside the door. "Want me to shut the door?"

I shake my head. I never used to work with my office door closed unless I had an ass to chew out over the phone or in person, or unless I was so busy I couldn't be disturbed. Now I close it because it makes me feel safer. And because I don't want anyone just coming in in case my emotions aren't in check.

"So Elliot and I are going for drinks. Would you like to join us?"

I should; I really should. Getting out and having fun with friends would be good for me.

But I don't really feel up to it. "I really do appreciate the invite, but I don't think I'm up for it right now."

Olivia comes over and sits down in front of my desk. "I can see how hard you've been working this past week. You really need to take things easy. Even if you don't want to go out with us, go out by yourself. Go to a movie, shopping - anything."

I sigh. It's really sweet that Olivia cares. "It's hard to just go out and do something," I admit. "I'm still supposed to have a police escort and it draws unwanted attention. I would rather just go home and work on paperwork so I'm ahead for next week. Plus I have to talk John McCoy into giving Casey more time to come back. He wants to replace her already."

Olivia frowns. "This is too much pressure on you, Alex."

"How do you mean?"

"You shouldn't be worried about that. I mean it's wonderful you tried to be Casey's friend, but there's only so much you can do. You don't know she's coming back. Maybe it would be best to move on."

Her statement angers me and I angrily drop my pen. She can tell right away she's said the wrong thing but can't take it back.

"So just give up, that's what you're saying?"

"No, Alex, I did not mean it like that."

I cross my arms in front of my chest. "Sure sounds like you did. Since when do you give up on a person? Have you ever given up on any victim you have helped?"

"No, but Alex, that's exactly what Casey is - a victim. And as much as you don't want to hear this, so are you."

Her words stop me. They weren't meant to hurt me; but they sure do. I feel my heart drop to my feet as I see myself through Olivia's eyes for the first time. She does see me as a victim, and that's exactly what I am.

But I don't want to talk about myself right now. If I talk about myself I won't be able control my emotions and Olivia will discover that I'm not superhuman; that I'm mortal just like she is. That my armor suit is only a facade.

"You don't know what it was like, Olivia," I say, my voice barely above a whisper. "If you had been there, you would understand. I can't give up on Casey because if I do she will give up on herself. I have to make her see she's worth something."

"That's not your job to do that. And it's not fair of you to ask that of yourself," Olivia says.

"It's the least I can do." I swallow the lump in my throat. "If I had been there alone, I wouldn't have made it. On the very first day we woke up, Casey was already looking for a way to fight back and escape. I was useless. She always fought, even if it meant she got punished more than I did. And she came up with that plan for me to escape. She said it was for us to escape, but she knew the whole time that I would get out and she wouldn't. She just didn't say it and neither did I. So I'm sorry Olivia, but I'm not giving up."

She knows me well enough to know not to say any more right now. I know she was coming from a place of caring, but expecting me to not care about Casey and think only of myself is something I'm not willing to do.

She stands up, taking this as her cue to bow out. "I completely understand. If you change your mind about meeting up with us tonight, call one of us and we will pick you up."

She then turns and leaves, closing my office door behind her.

I look down at the paper on my desk, and angrily crinkle it up in my hands, tossing it on the floor.

The tears are coming now and I don't even try to stop them. I rest my head on my arms and just cry.

.2

It's after nine PM on Saturday when my doorman buzzes me to let me know I have a visitor.

I heave a sigh, expecting to hear Olivia's name. She probably came by to apologize for the day before.

I'm immensely surprised when I hear my doorman say, "She says her name is Casey."

I tell him to send her up right away. I'm so surprised that I stand by my door, part of me apprehensive. What if it isn't her? What if this is a trick to get me to open the door?

Luckily I see her through the peephole when she gets to my door and I immediately open it.

I'm glad to see her, but I don't want to seem too eager. So I smile lightly. "Casey! Hey, I'm glad to see you."

She doesn't smile back. She's wearing jeans and a hooded sweatshirt and has her hands in the pockets of her sweatshirt nervously.

"Hey...I'm sorry to just drop in. I didn't know where else to go."

I hold the door open and motion for her to come inside and I close the door behind her, part of me afraid she's going to bolt out the door and take off again.

"It's no problem. I've just been working all day. Glad for the distraction. Do you want something to eat or drink? I'm a danger in the kitchen but I'll make something for you if you want."

She shakes her head and sits down across from me on the couch. "No, I came to talk. It was really stupid of me to leave...you were right and I'm sorry I didn't listen to you."

"It's okay," I say quickly. "You needed to discover for yourself. I understand."

She finally meets my eyes and I can tell she's holding back tears. "I understand if you want me to leave or don't want to talk. Just say so."

"No; not at all. I told you that you could talk to me and I meant it."

Her week furlow didn't seem to be helpful. She doesn't look like she's slept or rested at all.

She looks away from me and struggles to get the words she needs to say out. "I - I really need some help, Alex. I just can't deal. I need help really badly."

I nod and get up and sit right next to her. She slides away from me a bit but I don't move. "Okay. Let's talk about it. I'll get you help, okay?"

She is playing with her sleeve and still won't look at me. "I can't feel this way anymore. I don't want to do this but I can't stop."

"Can't stop what?" I ask softly.

She hesitates a moment and then pulls up one of her sleeves and I gasp at what I see. Long cuts all over her wrists, dried blood.

She's been cutting herself.


	10. Chapter 10

It hurts me so badly inside to see the cuts on her wrist. To think that things were so bad that she thought she had to do that. No one deserves to feel that kind of pain and emptiness.

Truth be told, I could never understand how a person could cut themselves. I always thought it was a sign of weakness or a cry for attention.

How could Casey feel so bad that she felt she had no other choice?

"Casey, no." I grab her wrist to see how bad the cuts are. "How could you do this to yourself?"

She pulls her wrist away from me and rolls her sleeve down quickly.

I'm really upset, probably more than I should be. "Jesus, Casey! Why did you do that?" I know I shouldn't be yelling at her. But I can't help it.

"I just...felt so bad. Guilt just consumed me and it's all I could think about. Whenever I close my eyes I see their faces. When I try to sleep I can still feel them..." she trails off, swallowing harshly. The image of him lying dead after I called him will stay with me forever. And it's frightening. I don't know what to do to get rid of it. I can't think of anything else and I just can't take it anymore. I can't live like this anymore."

I know what she means. I'm haunted by their faces too. I can't sleep without thinking I'm back in that room.

I gently grab Casey's wrist and roll up her sleeve again. Surprisingly she lets me. "But why this, Casey? Why did you do this?"

She sighs heavily. "I couldn't stand the pain. I wanted to feel a different kind of pain. Something physical, because that's not as bad as emotional pain. I took sleeping pills to try and keep myself in a stupor. I drank almost every day to try and dull the pain. Nothing worked. I still hurt. So I sat on the edge of the bathtub in my hotel room and just..cut."

"Did you - want to kill yourself?" I asked, my voice shaking.

She shakes her head. "I don't think so. I really don't. I just wanted to hurt myself. And I did, and when I saw that blood running down my wrist it felt good. Like I was releasing all my pain. It gave me something to focus on. And then suddenly it was all I could think about. Just like that place, those men, what they did...it's all that my mind could focus on. I wouldn't let myself even try and sleep until I cut. Because I didn't deserve to sleep. I had to hurt first. I can't control it anymore, Alex. And I'm scared it will just get worse. I don't want it to get worse." She looks at me, tears stinging her eyes and then says, "please help me, Alex."

No one has ever asked me for help so sincerely in my life. No one has ever actually needed me before.

But Casey does.

I turn and give her a hug, and I feel her sobbing into my shoulder. She's not trying to be strong anymore; she knows she doesn't have to be.

"Of course I will help you," I tell her softly. "You are my friend and I'll do anything to help you. Anything."

I let her cry herself out until she feels she can let go. When she pulls away from me, she wipes her eyes with her sleeve and says, "Thank you."

I have an idea of something that may help right now, and I get up off the couch. "Let's go for a walk."

Casey looks at me like I'm crazy. "It's kind of late...And besides, probably not a good idea. You don't have your police escort right now."

"So what? I can go out whenever I want to. I can't be afraid and looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life. And neither can you. So come on, let's go. I'll show you where I used to walk to when I couldn't sleep. The fresh air will feel good."

She finally gives in and once we start out we walk in silence for several minutes, each of us lost in our own thoughts.

"I'm going to call that therapist...the one you gave me the card for. I'll call Monday and make an appointment," Casey finally says.

"That's a great idea," I tell her. "I was never a proponent of therapy. But it really helped me. I think it will help you too."

We walk to the nearby park that I always used to jog through daily. It's the first time I've been here since being back and the familiarity is comforting. There are a few other late night walkers out and about.

I find the dirt trail off the sidewalk and point it out to Casey. "This way. I always used to go this way to think ."

"You have a thinking spot," Casey muses. "How amusing."

I laugh lightly. "I guess even I can be a bit cliche at times."

We walk down the trail in the semi darkness. I'll admit it's a bit creepy with so many lights out and if I were alone I probably wouldn't be coming this way.

We easily find the bench I used to occupy so many times before and we sit down.

"Can you see why I chose this place?" I suddenly ask. "Look around and tell me what you see."

Casey is smart; she will figure it out. It takes her all of about one minute to look around and answer, "You can see the courthouse from here."

I nod. "I used to come sit here during a hard case when I had to get out of the office or when I couldn't sleep. I would look at the courthouse and all the people walking by on the sidewalks. It's always a constant bustle of activity. And I would remind myself that I'm just one person in it all. That no matter what expectations I or anyone else had for me, I'm just one person. I have always put immense pressure on myself, ever since I was a teenager. I strived to do better than anyone else because I would never settle for anything other than the best. I would get so mad at myself and everyone else when I would lose a case. I would sit in my office and analyze what I did wrong. But when I came up here...I realized I couldn't do it all. Those people busily hurrying about the sidewalks were just like me. Maybe I can't do it all but I can sure make a difference in someone's life."

After a moments silence, Casey says, "Alex Cabot is truly an amazing person."

I smile at that. "And Casey Novak is certainly worth saving."

I watch her smile, probably the first time she's smiled in a long time. It makes me feel good.

"And I want you to promise me something. Whenever you feel like you can't handle things, whenever you feel like you might," I pick up her wrist gently, "Do this again, call me. I don't care what I'm doing. Call me and I'll come help you. I want you to promise me you will never put a razor to your skin again. Call me and I'll drop whatever I am doing and come help you."

"That's not fair to you, Alex."

"How do you figure? How is it not fair?"

"You don't have the kind of job where you can just drop everything and you know it," Casey says.

"Honey, I'm Alex Cabot - I can do whatever I want."

For some reason, Casey bursts out laughing at that statement. A real genuine laugh, and it's contagious and before I know it I'm laughing too.

Sometimes friends are really good medicine.

Once our laughter subsides, Casey looks at me and says, "Wow. I was having one of the worst days - until now. I really honestly feel better. I know it's going to take more than a talk on a park bench, but...thank you."

I nod. "So do you promise?"

"Yes. I promise."

I'm satisfied with that answer and I know she really means it.

We get up and start heading out of the park. I'm tired and need rest, and I know Casey does too. I tell her she can stay at my place for the night.

"Hope you're up for the challenge of being friends with Alex Cabot. I'm not easy. I can be moody, have to be always right, and I like to argue. You better keep me in line. It's an important job, Novak," I tell her as we're walking. "Others have tried and failed."

"Well I am pretty persistent and stubborn myself so I think I can handle it."

It makes me feel good to know I've finally gotten through to her. Maybe things will get better after all.

.2

It's been quite a busy and hectic week. I've been practically living at the office. My current case is a nightmare and a mess. I'm stressed every second of every day.

I know it's because I have too much else on my mind than to give myself one hundred percent to work.

Liam Connors is going on trial again. It was postponed because of what happened to me and Casey. So I have that to prepare for along with everything else on my plate.

I'll admit I'm having a hard time dealing with everything. I've been getting panic attacks again and have only been sleeping a few hours a night.

I want to talk to Casey about it but I can't burden her. She has too much going on as it is. She started therapy and I took the time to go to a movie with her a couple nights ago. She is still withdrawn and doesn't talk much but I think she's getting better. I make sure I'm strong for her, even though it's a facade.

On the inside I feel like I'm going to crumble at any time.

It's late Thursday evening when Olivia comes into my office. I'm engrossed in paperwork and a little irritated by her presence but I don't let on.

"I know you're busy; I'm sorry for dropping by. But I thought you might like to know that Casey was caught sneaking around the warehouse where you guys were being held."

I stop in mid pen stroke and look up at her. "Excuse me...what?"

"It's still a crime scene. She knows better than to be sneaking around a crime scene. Anyway, the police took her home." Olivia sits down in front of my desk. "Any idea why she would be there?"

I have absolutely no idea why Casey would want to ever set foot in that place again. No idea at all.

I sigh and put my head in my hands. This is the last thing I need right now. I had a bad enough headache as it is.

"No, I have no idea," I tell Olivia. I angrily gather up my paperwork and hastily put it away into the case file. "But I'm going to go find out."

 **Poor Alex. She's falling apart too. Will being strong be too much for her?**


	11. Chapter 11

Casey isn't home when I get to her apartment. But as luck would have it, her apartment manager is in the building and I use my ADA badge to get him to let me into her apartment.

First thing I notice when I enter is that she unpacked almost all her boxes. Guess she decided she is going to stick around this time. I drape my jacket over the back of her couch and approach the guinea pig cage.

I lean down so I'm eye level. "Hey guys. Remember me?" They give little squeaks at me. They really are cute little critters. One is Calico color with hair that sticks every which way with little cowlicks. The other is all light brown with smooth fur. And they are nice and plump with a huge cage. Casey spoils them.

I wish I had a pet.

I sit down on the couch but quickly get restless so I get up and wander around. I've been here before but never really looked around.

Casey has a nice little place. Nicely decorated and sensible furniture. Her bathroom is small but most bathrooms are too small for me.

I go into the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. I'm always so careful with my appearance. I take a long time to get ready before I leave my house and make sure every hair is in place and my makeup is perfect. Am I vain? Probably.

But looking at myself right now, I look tired. Lack of sleep is very apparent to me. I even look like I have lost weight. I haven't eaten more than a couple sandwiches and carrot sticks in days. I have no appetite.

I rest my hand on the door of Casey's medicine cabinet. I know I shouldn't look; I have no right to. But the urge is too strong and I open it quickly.

There's the usual cold medicine, band aids, ointments...everything you'd expect to find in a medicine cabinet. But the three prescription bottles are what interests me. I hesitate a moment, then I grab them.

One is Lexapro. Fill date three days ago. That's an antidepressant. One is a sleep medication, also dated three days ago. And an antibiotic she was prescribed when we get out of that hellhole. That she didn't finish taking apparently. I return the bottles to where they were and leave the bathroom.

I hear a key hit the lock just as I walk back into the living room. Casey enters, carrying a paper grocery bag. She doesn't notice me at first, and I stand with my arms crossed and wait for her to see me.

She turns around and sees me immediately. She jumps, obviously surprised to see me. "Jesus, Alex! You scared the shit out of me! How did you get in here?"

I don't answer. Instead I follow her into the kitchen where she puts the bag down on her table. I waste no time and mince no words. "What were you thinking?" I practically yell at her. "First of all, why in the world would you ever go back to that place? It was a living hell! Why? And it's a crime scene, Casey. It's still being investigated!"

She looks at me and signs. "Great. I was hoping you wouldn't find out."

She steps away from me and heads back into the living room. I follow her, not willing to let this go until she answers me.

"I can't believe you would do something so dangerous and stupid," I tell her.

Casey is sitting on her couch now trying to avoid my gaze while I carry on like a teacher scolding an out of control child.

"I know it was stupid," Casey admits. "I thought maybe if I went there again under my own power by my own choice...that it wouldn't have power over me anymore. That I would see it was just a place. But I couldn't even go inside. I just stayed outside, I walked around. I was going to leave but then a CSI unit came by. It was a really dumbass thing to do."

I sigh heavily and cross my arms in front of my chest. "Jesus, Casey...what if he had been there? What if he had shown up while you were there? Did you ever consider that?"

She knows I'm talking about Ski Mask.

Casey meets my gaze momentarily and looks away again. And she doesn't have to speak a word. I have my answer.

"That's it, isn't it? You wanted him to be there."

"Alex, you don't - "

"If you end that sentence with 'understand' I swear to god Casey I will lose it," I tell her. I can feel my heartbeat increasing and I clasp my hands together so Casey doesn't see them trembling.

I have to sit down, so I fall into the chair next to the couch. I can feel a headache creeping in but I ignore the early symptoms and plow through it.

"I want to know who he is. He is still out there. Every time I leave my apartment I am worried he is watching me. I don't feel safe at all, knowing he's out there and knows what I have done. I just thought maybe I could find a clue as to who he is," she tells me.

"You don't think the police are trying to do that? We are attorneys - let's leave the detective work to the actual detectives. I know what it's like to be paranoid. When I was Emily, I was afraid to go anywhere, for all the same reasons you just said. They are going over every inch of that place. They will find some evidence that will reveal who he is."

"I think they should have found something by now," Casey says. "Our detectives would have."

Even though I agree with her, I don't say so. That will only prove to encourage her to indulge in this foolish idea.

"So you're a detective now," I muse. "Did you really think you would find something that they wouldn't?"

She doesn't say anything for a couple moments. Then when she does it completely takes me by surprise. "Yes. I did think that.

I don't even know how to adequately respond to that. "Is therapy helping you at all?" I ask instead. Maybe she will tell me about the Lexapro.

"I've only had two sessions. But yes, it feels good to let everything out."

"Did you mention doing this to your therapist? Is that where you got this idea? Is she coaching you to risk your life?"

Casey frowns at me. "Of course not. Why would you even think that?" She stands up and starts pacing in front of me. "You really don't have a right to barge in here and judge me. I appreciate the concern, but I'm an adult and I don't need a babysitter. I can make my own decisions."

"Sounds to me like you do need a babysitter," I spit back. "Remember that talk we had about your self destructing? This is the same thing. Except instead of cutting yourself, you're hurting yourself in a different way. And it's not okay. You have to stop this."

"Its something I need to do for myself. It's not your problem or your business. So don't concern your self with it."

"It is my business. Believe it or not you really are my friend and I care about what happens to you. Don't go down that road again. As tempting as it is...obey the stop signs and keep going forward instead. Don't do this to yourself. You're better than this. Damn it, Casey, how can I make you see that? What do I have to do for you to believe me?"

I can tell she genuinely feels guilty for upsetting me so much. She meets my eyes and says - in a serious and amused tone - "Wow, that was an impassioned speech."

For some reason, I smile. The mood in the room lightens a little bit. "Thank you; I rehearsed it on the way over here."

"Yeah I can tell. Good job." She's playing with the hem of her shirt. It seems hard for her to look at me right now. "Look, I'm sorry. I'm really messed up. You're a great person and I really appreciate you being here for me. But it's going to take time for me to be well again. I've been talking to my therapist about coming back to work. She thinks it may help me. I'm not sure so I'm going to talk to McCoy about getting a reduced caseload if I do come back."

"You don't have to do that," I tell her. "I wasn't going to say anything right now, but he promoted me to Executive ADA. Just today. So I'll be in charge of case assignments. Just tell me what you need and I can make it happen. But yes you should come back. It will help get your mind off things."

Her face lights up. "Alex, that's great news! Why didn't you want to tell me that?"

"I just didn't think it was the right time,"

She smiles and looks away from me again. "Well I am extremely happy for you. You deserve it. But about what I was saying before...about not being well. I don't think we should spend so much time together anymore."

My heart drops to my feet. Am I contributing to her pain? I never meant to make her feel anxious or sad. "Why?" I ask, and I'm surprised by how sad and weak my voice sounds.

"Don't get me wrong - I do like you and consider you my friend. And I will call you if I ever need to, I promise. But you - " She pauses and has to gather herself before she continues. "You remind me of what happened. It's as simple as that. Every time we are together it's all I can think about. We wouldn't even be friends if it wasn't for what happened. You did a great thing for me by being my friend and I will be forever grateful. But I'm not good for you. It's better this way."

I can tell there is more she wants to say, but I can't sit here and listen to it. My hands are shaking uncontrollably now and I feel myself starting to panic again. I have to get out of here.

"I understand," I say quickly, jumping to my feet. I grab my jacket and bolt for the door, Casey right behind me. "I have to go. Thank you for being honest with me."

She gives me a sad look and I leave her apartment, closing the door behind me. When I'm sure she hasn't followed me I sprint down the hall towards the elevator. My breathing is hitching in my throat and my heart feels like it will leap right out of my chest. I pray I can make it to my car before I break down completely.

The elevator is taking forever and I grip the wall, tears stinging my eyes. I'm so upset right now; I can't remember the last time someone's words hurt me so much. I'm usually able to shrug off emotions and words. But what Casey said just devastated me.

The elevator finally arrives and it opens. I run inside and lean against the railing, allowing myself to cry as soon as the doors close.

It stops on my floor and as soon as the doors open, a man carrying his bike is waiting to get on. He looks at me with concern. "Ma'am? Are you all right?"

No, I'm not. I'm definitely not.

I shake my head, getting off the elevator and briskly walking past him. " Can I call someone for you?" he calls after me.

But I'm already out the door. I run to my car in record time and get in. Leaning against the steering wheel, I let myself fall apart.

My chest hurts. It's constricted so tightly I feel like I can't breathe. Is this what a heart attack feels like?

I can't keep living this way.

.2

"You didn't answer the question, Alex," Dr. Mullen's words pull me from my troubled thoughts.

I stop shredding the napkin in my lap and look at her. Truth be told I can't remember what she asked me. It's my third session with my old therapist and for some reason I'm having trouble opening up.

"What was the question?"

"I asked you on our last session why you tried so hard to be Casey's friend."

I frowned. "I told you everything that happened to us. Every detail. We went through a lot together."

"But you didn't tell me why, Alex. Why is she so important to you? Do you feel sorry for her? Because she was hurt physically more than you were? Is it pity that you feel?"

I shake my head. "No. I just...feel responsible for her."

"Why, Alex?"

Dr. Mullen is great at getting right down to the core of issues. Sometimes her line of questioning can infuriate me but she always makes me admit what I truly feel.

"Because it was my fault. She was taken because of me. Because I came back. If I hadn't, neither of us would have gone through that. She saved my life. She got me out of there and I couldn't even..." I hesitate to say it. "I couldn't even stick around to help her. She had to do something that no one should have to do and I just got to run away. It ruined her life. It changed her and it's my fault." Tears slide down my cheek. "I'm such a coward. I ruined her life and she didn't deserve that."

Its the first time I've admitted to myself the guilt I feel for what happened; all of it, but mostly for forcing Casey to kill those men.

Once I've started talking, I can't stop. "And I can't stop thinking about it. I try to push it aside. I thought if I helped Casey any way I could it might alleviate some of the guilt I felt. If I helped her heal and get back a semblance of the life she had before then maybe I could redeem myself a little. But she's so broken. And it's my fault."

I start to cry again, and Dr. Mullen hands me the box of tissues from the nearby stand. I dab my eyes with one of them.

"You are a very caring person who feels very deeply, even though you don't like to show it," she tells me. "And every time we have ever talked, you show no concern for yourself. When we had sessions those years ago you always talked about cases you had and people you weren't able to help when you wanted to. People you worked with whom you wanted to befriend but were afraid to open yourself up to. You never show concern for yourself, Alex. And you are the one whom you should be most concerned about."

I frown. "That would make me selfish."

"No - it wouldn't. You have to love yourself, Alex. You have to accept that you have limitations. As much as you want to do for others, there is only so far you can stretch yourself. Sometimes circumstances are out of anyone's control. It is not your fault what happened to you and your friend. Does she blame you, Alex? Has she ever said that?"

"No. Never. She doesn't blame me at all. But she should."

"She knows it's not your fault, Alex. She's forgiven you for something you never even needed to be forgiven for. Now you have to forgive yourself. You can care about Casey. You can be there for her. But you have to be there for yourself too. You come first, before anyone else. Don't do it at your expense. Don't let it consume you."

"I just want to help her," I say. "I can't help it. I'm just...really fond of her. I don't get close to people often or easily. But I like Casey. I feel like myself around her. Like I don't have to pretend. She thinks if we hadn't been locked there together we wouldn't have been friends. Maybe that's true but I like to think it's not. She's like me. She's driven and stubborn and too smart and doesn't listen to anyone."

"Then why don't you talk to her, Alex? Why don't you tell her what you told me? How you feel? If she's important to you then you need to be honest with her."

I sigh and sit back on the couch. "She doesn't want anything to do with me. I told you what she said. Being around me hurts her. I don't need to burden her with my feelings and baggage."

"Real friends don't burden each other. If someone is important to you, don't give up on them. You already know that. Even if they say hurtful things or try and push you away. You need to tell her how you feel. She may need to hear that in order to heal. And you have to say it in order for you to heal. If she's your friend she wants to be there for you as much as you want to be there for her. Let her."

I sit and think about what she's said. I know she's right.

"These panic attacks you've been getting...you can't do this to yourself, Alex. Remember the advice I gave you before? When you start to feel yourself panic, close your eyes and count to ten. Before you open your eyes again tell yourself three things that you can control and three things you can't. Give yourself a compliment. And then open your eyes."

Dr. Mullen leans forward and takes my hand in here. "You can get through this, Alex. I know you can. You are one of the strongest people I know."

I sure hope she's right.

.3

Almost a week has passed since my session with Dr. Mullen. Casey is coming back to work next week. I haven't spoken to her since that day in her apartment.

I have a DA meeting to attend and I'm running late due to court of course. By the time I arrive the room is full and all the good donuts are taken. But luckily McCoy hasn't arrived yet so I know I haven't missed anything.

"Casey Novak is coming back, that's what I heard," a woman says from a few seats down. I recognize the woman even though I have never worked closely with her - Kim Greylek, a junior ADA. She's talking with another woman that I don't know.

I pretend like I don't hear them talking but I'm straining very hard to listen.

"Oh, wonderful. What a gain for us," the other woman says.

"Guess she wants to lose even more cases so she can add it to her psychological wreckage," Greylek says. She and the other woman laugh bitterly.

I can't hold my tongue anymore. I slam my file down on the table, which causes everyone on my side of the table to turn and look at me.

"Keep your mouth shut about things you know nothing about," I hiss at Greylek. "Do you make it a habit to slander your colleagues? You have no idea what she's been through...or me. So keep your goddamn mouth shut and if I hear you even say her name, you have to answer to me."

It's clear she hadn't meant to be heard and she mutters a weak apology and looks away from me. I hope she's ashamed; she should be.

I look around the table, realizing the size of my audience grew. So I take advantage of that. "Anyone else have something to say?" I pause a moment. "Anyone?"

The other woman whispers something to Greylek.

"Excuse me? Something you want to share with everyone?" I demand, beyond angry.

She glances around the table and back at me. "I was just saying that no one is going to insult Alex Cabot's pet with her present."

I can actually feel my face grow red with anger. I can't remember the last time I was this angry. I can feel sets of eyes on me, just waiting for my reaction. My blood pressure is through the roof and my hands start to shake again.

I stand up and glare at this woman who dared to say those words to me. I grip the table so hard that my knuckles turn white. Somehow I'm able to form coherent words. "If you ever say anything like that to me - or Casey - again, you will greatly regret it. I'll make it my mission to destroy you. And believe me, I can do that. Don't try me."

Before she can respond, I feel a hand on my shoulder. Jack McCoy.

And he does not look happy


	12. Chapter 12

"That was not appropriate, Alex," McCoy tells me, leaning back in his chair.

"And what they said about Casey was? Did you hear the deplorable things they were saying?"

I can't believe I am even sitting here having this conversation. I can't believe I am the one being talked to.

"I know what they said and I will be having a conversation with both of them as well. But you threatened them, Alex - in front of all your fellow ADAs. In your job as Executive Assistant District Attorney, you are held to a higher standard. I selected you for this position because you have always been the poster child for professionalism and I know you can handle it. Don't make me regret my decision, Alex."

I stare at the top of his desk. For one of the only times in my life I am at a loss for words. I know what he is saying is true; I could have found a more diplomatic (and private) way to deal with them. I was just so angry at what they were saying about Casey that I just reacted.

I am normally not a reactive personality.

I don't want to disappoint McCoy. I need to excel at this new position, because I always excel at everything. I need to push everything else from my mind and do this to the best of my ability.

It's more stress, and Dr. Mullen has been telling me not to add more stress to my plate. But I'm Alex Cabot and I can handle this.

"Are we going to have a problem when Casey comes back?" he suddenly asks.

I raise my eyebrows. "How so?"

He looks at me for several minutes before speaking again. "I know there is a friendship between you two. And I know how hard things have been. But I made it clear when I spoke to Casey about coming back that she gets no special treatment. You cannot show any favoritism towards her. You cannot go easy on her just because she's your friend."

I shake my head. "No, sir. I would never conduct myself that way. Personal relationships and friendships are kept out of the office when it comes to me. You can be assured I will not treat her any differently."

He seems satisfied by my answer and I leave his office feeling immense pressure. My chest hurts and when I go back to my office I take several minutes to calm myself.

Get a grip, Alex. You can do this.

.2

"How many times have I been here rehashing the same thing to you guys?" I ask incredulously to Elliot. He leans back in his chair and gives Olivia a 'here she does again' look.

I sigh, making my frustration very apparent. Elliot's questionable tactics while interrogating a suspect is once again getting himself - and as a result, me - into trouble yet again.

I have spent a better part of my day pushing back meetings that I can ill afford to miss and defending Elliot's character.

It's been a very tough week. Casey came back to work on Monday and I've gotten into more arguments with her than any of my other ADAs. I think she's taking on too many cases and wasn't shy about letting her know that, she told me to stop hovering and give her breathing room, and I of course defended myself. I'm trying to remain objective and professional but the fact remains she is my friend and I want to make sure she can handle what she's taking on.

The situation with Kim Greylek is getting worse. Her and Casey are constantly bickering, and as much as I would like to squarely blame it all on Greylek, some of it is Casey's fault for not being able to keep her much shut when she needs to.

So my week has been about trying to catch up on paperwork and trying to hold myself together for DA meetings, babysitting Casey to make sure she doesn't get herself in trouble, and riding my detectives about their jobs.

It's one thing after another. Usually I'm able to compartmentalize and I thrive under pressure. But right now I'm not sure how much more I can take. I'm having trouble focusing on my job. My panic attacks are more frequent. And I've had to postpone both of my therapy appointments this week.

Elliot opens his mouth to defend himself and it's at that moment that my phone rings. I wander away from Elliot and answer it.

It's McCoy. I tell him I'm at the precinct and he tells me to get back to the office ASAP.

"Greylek and Novak had a screaming match in the hall. You need to get on top of this and make them sort out whatever is going on. This needs to be dealt with immediately."

I sigh. I thought it had been dealt with. I tell him I'll be right there and excuse myself from the squad room. Olivia and Elliot exchange worried glances but I ignore them.

Once I'm back at the DA's office I take a moment to compose myself in my office. I feel light headed and weak and that pressure in my chest is returning.

I have spoken to both Kim Greylek and Casey at length about their fighting. I have given them both warnings. And now I'm not looking forward to what I have to do. In fact I would do anything to avoid it, but I can't.

I call Casey to my office first and when she arrives I ask her to shut the door and sit down. She does.

"Casey, you know how I feel about you. But right now I have to be your boss and not your friend. I have already spoken to you on more the one occasion about your conduct with Kim Greylek. And you don't seem to be taking me seriously. I understand you two had a screaming match in the hallway today. Can you tell me what that was about?"

Casey sighs. "She hates me. I have no idea why. She is always making comments about me and pushes my buttons. I tried to ignore her at first but she's always on me. All I'm doing is defending myself."

I haven't told her what was said at the latest DA meeting and I intend never to. And if it were up to me, Greylek wouldn't be in this office. This is hardly the first time one of my colleagues have had issues with her.

"You have a right to defend yourself. But this is the Manhattan DA's office, not junior high. You can't just scream at her in front of colleagues. That doesn't make you look good, Casey." I look down at the disciplinary paper on my desk and wish more than anything I didn't have to do this. "I'm sorry Casey, but I have to suspend you."

She looks at me like I grew an extra head. "What?"

"We've talked about this - more than once. I'm giving you a three day suspension. I don't want to do it, Casey. But I don't have a choice. I can't be accused of giving you special treatment."

"So she gets away with being a bitch?" Casey asks angrily.

"She's suspended too. I'm going to talk to her after you." I sit back in my chair and sigh. "Look, I know this sucks. Just go home and come back on Tuesday. I'll try and get you some pay." I slide the paper towards her on the desk. "I need you to sign this please. And then go."

Casey glares at me. She looks so hurt. She picks up the pen and signs the paper, and then gets up and heads for the door before I can say anything else. She leaves, slamming the door behind her.

I put my face in my hands and sigh heavily. I wish like hell I didn't have to do that to Casey. It was way harder than I thought it was going to be.

I know I need to go talk to Greylek right away. I leave my office but as soon as I step out into the hallway, I have to stop and put my hand against the wall to steady myself. The room is spinning and I feel like I'm going to fall. That pressure in my chest is rearing its head again and it's choking me. I put my hand on my chest and struggle for breath.

"Miss Cabot? Are you okay?" A voice from behind me asks. I don't even know who is speaking to me. I can't make myself turn around and look.

I try and take a step - and I collapse onto the floor and everything goes black


	13. Chapter 13

As soon as I open my eyes, I know instantly that I'm in the hospital. The white ceiling, the sterile smell...there's no mistaking it.

The last time I was in a hospital did not end well for me.

I sit up in a panic, realizing there is an IV in my arm. My eyes scan the room - I'm alone. No one is here with me. It's just me and the sound of the heart monitor machine beeping.

I'm fine; there's absolutely no reason for me to be here. My mind turns and I remember what happened to lead me to wake up here. I had just suspended Casey. I was leaving my office. I remember passing out in the hallway.

God, did they bring me here by ambulance? I cringe at the thought of the scene that created. That's the last thing I needed.

I frown and start to remove the tape from the IV in my arm.

"Miss Cabot, you're awake. Please sit back and relax and please don't disturb your IV."

I look up and see a nurse has entered the room. She appears young and her hair is pulled back in a ponytail. She regards me with a smile and tells me her name is Anne.

"I really don't need to be here," I say. "I feel fine. I'd like to get back to the office."

I look at my watch and am horrified when I realize it's after six PM. I've been here for hours!

Anne seems to sense my confusion. "You have been resting, which you needed." She sits in the the bed and takes my blood pressure and checks the IV I'm connected to. "The doctor will be in to talk to you shortly. We didn't want to wake you prematurely. You were absolutely exhausted and given something to relax you when you arrived. We will get you out of here in a couple hours but in the meantime sit tight; the doctor does have some things to discuss with you."

I sigh and roll my head back in frustration. This is the last place I needed be. I have so much work to do...this is going to put me so far behind.

My eyes scan the stand next to my bed. "Where is my phone? I need to check my messages."

"It's in with your belongings, and you need to relax right now. My orders are to see that you rest." She hands me a cup of water. "Your blood pressure is very high and has been since you arrived. Have you ever had high blood pressure before?"

I'm not a doctor but it doesn't take one to know that stress causes high blood pressure. "I have a high stress job. And I don't make it to the doctor often."

"Do you get a lot of headaches?" Anne asks. I nod and she writes on my chart. "You may need medication. The doctor will discuss that possibility with you."

Great. Just what I need.

There are so many more useful things I could be doing right now. Catching up on work. I wanted to check on Casey and make sure she's okay after what happened. And Kim Greylek...I still needed to deal with her.

I only have to wait about a half hour to see the doctor. I'm sure my constant complaining contributed to the speedy process. They probably want me out of here as quickly as possible.

"Miss Cabot, I'm doctor Stratton." He's an older man and takes a seat next to me. "How are you feeling right now?"

I'm still tired but certainly not going to say that. "Frustrated. I would like to get out of here."

He nods and looks at my chart. "Do you take any type of sleep medication?"

"Sometimes. Not at all the time. I don't want to become dependent."

"Over the counter or prescription?"

"Prescription," I tell him. "It doesn't help much though to be honest. Just makes me groggy the next day."

"You aren't getting a quality sleep," he says and scribbles on his notepad. "I'm going to prescribe something to you for that. It's not habit forming and you take as needed. Please give it a try. I am also concerned about your blood pressure. It has been alarmingly high for someone of your age."

I sigh. "As I told the nurse, I have a high stress job. I do a lot of worrying. And I've been through quite a lot lately."

"Do you have a doctor that you see regularly?"

Regularly? What is that? The last time I went to a doctor was in Wisconsin when I had strep throat and needed an antibiotic. I can't even remember the time before then.

"No, I'm pretty busy," I admit. I know it's not good, but it's not something I'm a fan of and I can never find the time.

"Well I think it's important you have a physical as soon as possible. When is the last time you had a pap smear or mammogram?"

I'm getting irritated now. "I don't know, probably three years. Look I know it's not good, but I'm healthy and I really want to go home. Write me my prescriptions and discharge me."

"Well I wouldn't exactly say you're healthy, Miss Cabot. Your body is very weak. You're not getting enough rest and you are not eating enough. The IV was to supply you some extra nutrients. If you don't start taking care of yourself you are going to find yourself right back here looking at my handsome face again. Now yes, blood pressure can fluctuate due to stress but can also be caused by underlying health issues. I advise you to get a complete physical as soon as possible. Don't wait."

I know as soon as possible won't be anytime soon but I don't say anything. He gives me the usual discharge instructions; take a few days rest, make sure I eat well, blah blah blah.

Finally I'm able to leave and I check my voicemails and texts while I'm standing on the sidewalk waiting for my taxi to arrive.

There's a message from Olivia asking me to call her ASAP to make sure I'm okay, some messages from colleagues regarding current cases and a message from Jack McCoy telling me to take the next two days off - No arguments or exceptions. So of course I call him.

Our conversation is very short and to the point. "Jack, I'm fine. I will be in tomorrow morning. I have a lot to catch up on. I can't afford to take a couple days off. I'll fall too far behind."

"This is not negotiable, Alex. You are taking a couple days off to rest up and come back on top of your game. I can't have my executive ADA passing out in court. If this job is too much for you right now, I need to know. Take a few days to think about it and I'll see you on Monday."

Then he hangs up, without even giving me a chance to respond. I'm beyond angry and when I get into my taxi I slam the door to show my frustration.

Why can't I just go back to how things used to be?

I know the answer to that - because they will never be the same again.

.2

I hate having days off. Especially days that I know I should be at work.

I'm still in my pyjamas, having not even bothered to get dressed since I don't plan on leaving my apartment. I've got my fuzzy blanket on my couch trying to find something to watch to ease my troubled mind.

I was really hoping that Casey would call me. I had left her a message last night just asking her to check in with me and apologizing again for what I had to do. She's mad at me and I understand. But still, a part of me really wanted to talk to her.

I get my change that afternoon when my doorman buzzes me and lets me know that Casey is here to see me. I tell him to send her up and I quickly straighten up my living room so it doesn't look like I've been lazing around all day.

The knock at my door comes quickly and I open it, prepared to just hold it open and tell Casey to come in.

And then I see what she brought with her.

She's smiling at me and holding the cutest orange and white kitten I have ever seen. If it was possible to melt into a puddle on the floor, I definitely would have at that moment.

"I brought you a friend." She holds the kitten out and I take it from her, holding it against my chest and petting it.

"Oh my God, it's adorable! Is he for me?" I ask excitely.

Casey nods. "I have a bunch of supplies in my car too. Are you going to invite us in?"

I hold the door open so Casey can come in and I lock it behind her. She immediately sits on the couch and I sit at the other end, placing the kitten in my lap. I'm grinning ear to ear. He's so fluffy and I can feel his little body vibrating as he purrs.

"You didn't have to do this," I tell Casey, though I'm glad she did.

"I know. I wanted to. You should have a pet. You have to help me carry his stuff in though. I got you everything you need."

The kitten is playing with a loose string on my pyjama pants. "What's his name?"

"You get to name him," Casey says.

"Robin," I say immediately, looking up to meet Casey's eyes.

"Robin?" I nod. "That's cute. I like it. Robin it is."

I smile again. "Thank you. This was really thoughtful."

We sit in silence for a few minutes and Robin goes over to Casey's lap. She pets him. "So why didn't you tell me you were in the hospital?"

I knew that was coming. I sigh. "Same reason you didn't tell me you went back to the warehouse."

"Fair enough," Casey says. "I talked to Olivia this morning and she told me. I was worried."

"I was only there for a couple hours. I thought you were mad at me so I didn't call you. And I didn't want you to worry."

"I was mad, but not at you. You were doing your job. I was mad at myself for not handling things with Greylek better. And putting it on you, when you didn't need any extra stress on you. I wasn't being a good friend and I'm sorry."

Robin is back on my lap now and petting him is theaputic. Makes it easier to talk. "I wish I could fire that bitch."

Casey laughs and I smile. "I don't know what she has against me. I guess I just have to get better with my comebacks and really burn her. Excel at bitchcraft as well as she does."

That makes me laugh. "You're better than her and she knows it. She's jealous. And one day she's going to sink her own ship. Just let that happen. And then sit back and relish in it."

Casey nods and we fall silent again. "But really, I'm glad you're okay. Why didn't you tell me your panic attacks were getting so bad? You can talk to me, you know."

"I know. But you're going through a lot. I didn't want you to have to deal with it. I'm seeing Dr. Mullen too. I've been missing my appointments...I know that isn't good. But this new position is really demanding."

Casey takes a deep breath before she speaks again. "Please don't get upset with me for saying this. But do you think now was a good time to take on the extra responsibility? I'm in no way saying you're not right for the job. Because you are, no one deserves it more than you. But you're still healing too and maybe the timing wasn't right."

Normally I would tear into someone who said such a thing to me. I would be so angry that I would be seeing red.

But I'm not angry at all. I know Casey wants what is best for me and truth be told I have been questioning whether or not I made a mistake myself.

"It has crossed my mind. But if I tell McCoy I'm not up for it he won't give me another chance. He won't wait for me. He will just give it to someone else. And it's a good opportunity for me. I just...am not sure what to do. I haven't been sleeping. The ER doctor gave me a new prescription. And my blood pressure is high...I was put on meds for that too. I know I am capable, I'm just having a hard time. I don't like the thought of pills."

"I felt the same," Casey says. "Dr. Mullen put me on Lexapro. I hated the thought of having to be an antidepressants. It's only been a couple weeks but I think I can feel a little difference. She said it take times. There's a stigma when it comes to taking pills. But the only person who has to get past that is you. Blood pressure is serious. Make sure you take those meds."

We go to Casey's car and get the cat supplies. She went way overboard and spent a small fortune; a litterbox, 2 bags of litter, a bag of food, bowls and several toys. The litter is in forty pound pails so I take one and Casey takes the other. I struggle with mine and Casey seems to have no issues whatsoever carrying forty pounds.

She turns around and looks at the trouble I'm having with my pail. She laughs lightly and says. "Leave it. Go get the food. I'll take it."

I happily abandon the litter and when I come back Casey has all the litter in the apartment. We quickly put away all the supplies and chat lightly as we do so. It feels good, and normal. We don't talk anymore about what's going on. We just talk about normal things, like it's a normal day with two normal friends hanging out.

"You want to go do something?" I ask when Robin has tired himself out. "A movie, or maybe retail therapy?"

Casey nods. "That sounds fun. Might be good for us both. I'm game."

I quickly get dressed and Casey has her jacket on when I come out of the bedroom. "Besides, I have a couple free days anyway. My boss decided to suspend me from work."

I smack her on the arm and we leave the apartment. And for the first time in a long time I am excited for the day.

.3

The next week comes and when Casey returns from her suspension, things are much better with her. I haven't heard of any further issues with Greylek, and if there were, Casey handled them and did not come to me. I feel a little stress has been lifted off me.

I'm still struggling with this promotion. It's hard to focus on everything I have to do and the panic still nags at me almost daily.

But I don't want to give up. I need to plow through this.

I'm able to tell the next time I'm going to breakdown. I have just lost the case I have been working on, and the look on McCoy's face when he gets up and leaves the courtroom speaks volumes. I struggle to put my papers in my briefcase with my shaking hands and I know I have to retreat to the nearest private place I can find.

I won't make it to my office and I know it, so I run directly into the restroom. I don't even check to see if anyone else is in here before slamming the stall door and falling apart.

Tears are coming freely now and I'm so angry at myself for breaking down that I kick the stall door.

My stomach lurches and I lean up and empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet. There isn't much there but I can't stop retching.

The stall door opens and suddenly someone is crouched beside me, holding my hair back. I feel a hand on my back and I instinctively reach to push it away until I hear a voice say, "Alex, it's okay."

Casey.

I have no idea how she even knew I was in here, but my body instantly relaxes when I hear her voice. I finish throwing up and weakly flush the toilet, then collapse against the stall door, not able to catch my breath.

Casey is smiling at me lightly, and she gets up from the floor. I reach out for her hand and hang on, suddenly terrified that she's going to leave. "Please don't leave me," I practically beg. I am surprised by how easily I am able to say it.

I have never said those words to another person. I have never allowed myself to admit I have needed someone.

She squeezes my hand. "I'm not, I promise you. I'm just going to get some wet papertowel. I promise you that I won't leave you."

I only release her hand when the sincerity of her words sink in. She quickly exits the stall and I hear the sink water turn on and then off again.

She's back within seconds, sitting on the dirty bathroom floor with me. She gently picks up a few strands of my hair and wipes the vomit out with the papertowel and tries to wipe a spot off my suit jacket.

My breathing still hasn't returned to normal and my chest hurts immensely. I'm suddenly very embarrassed and pull my knees to my chest.

"Just breathe," she says softly, reaching out and putting a hand on my shaking shoulder.

I can't stop my shakes or catch my breath. I know a full blown panic attack is next and I don't want to wind up in the hospital again.

"Alex," Casey says softly but sternly. She squeezes my shoulder. "Hey, close your eyes. Come on."

I do what she tells me to do, burying my face in my knees and wishing I could disappear.

"Tell me three things you can't control."

Those are Dr. Mullen's words. I can almost hear her speaking them to me. I had forgotten that Casey was seeing her too.

"Alex, come on. Tell me." She squeezes my shoulder as if to give me strength.

I struggle for words, barely able to speak. "Uh...the weather. What people think about me. What other people say."

"Good. Now tell me three things you can control."

I think for a moment. My eyes are still closed and my face still resting against my knees. I'm trying to steady my breathing and Casey never once breaks contact with my shoulder.

"How I treat other people. What I wear. My words."

I can feel myself calming. The pressure in my chest is starting to lessen and I'm able to take deep cleansing breaths.

"Give yourself a compliment, Alex."

I can't think of a single good quality about myself at the moment. I shake my head, and Casey squeezes my shoulder again. "Okay. Then I'm going to do that part for you. You are smart, driven, too compassionate. You are beautiful, inside and out. You do for others and never for yourself. I aspire to be even half as good as you are. You are amazing, Alex Cabot, and I believe in you."

I've always believed that words are powerful things. And they certainly are. Casey's words are just what I need to hear. I feel myself relaxing even more, to the point where I can breath somewhat normally and I put my knees down and lift my head in relief.

Casey is smiling at me. A real, genuine smile. She really does believe in me. This woman who went through hell because of me - who should hate me - instead thinks I am worth believing in.

I want to thank her, tell her how much her words and comfort mean to me. But I can't find the words and I know that in this moment, they aren't needed anyway. She knows.

She helps me stand up off the floor. My legs are shaking but I'm confident I can walk out of here under my own power. We leave the stall and I go to the sink and splash some cold water on my face.

"I want you to look at yourself in the mirror and think about those words I said to you," Casey says from right beside me.

I shake my head. I don't want to look at myself right now. I don't want to see myself this way.

"Alexandra Cabot, look at yourself."

I look at Casey and then slowly turn towards the mirror. I don't recognize myself at first. I'm much paler than normal and the amount of weight I have lost is apparent. I look terrible.

But I see something in my eyes I haven't seen in a long time - hope.

After a few minutes, Casey puts her hand on my back again and unlocks the bathroom door. I don't want to leave; I know several pairs of prying eyes are going to be waiting to see Alexandra the Great emerge from her breakdown.

Casey senses my apprehension and just says. "It's okay. Keep your head down. You're with me."

We walk out those doors and just as I suspected there's an audience.

"Is everything all right? Do we need to call an ambulance?" a voice asks immediately.

Casey shakes her head. "We are good here, but thank you." It takes some prodding from her but I somehow make the trek down the hallway. We are walking quickly and Casey keeps her hand on my back the entire time. She takes me to her office and immediately closes the door and draws the blinds on her windows.

Casey points to the couch. "Give me your jacket; I'll have it cleaned. And lie down. You need rest."

I'm not usually one for being told what to do but I do exactly as Casey instructs me to do. I'm too tired and weak to give any resistance.

Casey comes up with a blanket and pillow from somewhere and puts them on the couch next to me. "Get some rest. Don't worry about work; I got you. I'll cover for you today. Just sleep and I'll take you home later. The couch is surprisingly comfy. Much better than my one at home that you slept on before."

Casey goes to leave, but I grab her arm to stop her. There's something I want to tell her and I feel I have to say it now or I'll lose all my nerve.

The way I'm holding onto her arm is causing her sleeve to go up slightly and I see the cuts on her wrist have faded and are almost healed. There are no new ones. She hasn't cut herself again.

"Yes, you did that, Alex. I needed a friend and you were there."

My eyes well up with tears as I meet Casey's eyes. "Casey...You're my best friend."

What a stupid ridiculous thing to have to get up the nerve to say. But I've never given that title to anyone before and I don't take it lightly.

She smiles at me. "You're my best friend too. I got you, okay? Don't worry."

"I've never had one before so you have to teach me how to be a good one," I admit.

She shakes her head. "No I don't. You're already a perfect one. Now go to sleep."

She tosses the pillow to one end and literally pushes me over like I'm a doll that needs guidance. The blanket is suddenly over top of me and I fall asleep almost instantly.

When I awaken, I feel rested. I stretch and sit up, letting the events of the day catch up to me. I remember where I am and turn my head to see Casey sitting at her desk on her laptop.

She sees I'm awake and smiles. "Hey. How you feeling?"

"Okay," I answer. "What time is it?"

"Almost ten," she tells me.

"What??? Have you just been sitting here all day?"

"I was in court most of the day. I've just been working on things. I didn't want to wake you. You were sleeping so well. I've been keeping busy, don't worry."

She closes her laptop and comes over to sit with me. "Want to talk about it?" She asks, and I instantly know she means my breakdown.

I shake my head. "Not right now. I just want to go home. Would you give me a ride?"

"Of course. Want me to stay tonight?"

"I think I need to be alone. But I really appreciate it. Thanks anyway."

Casey drops me off at my apartment and I wave at her as she drives away.

I have no idea how I'm still tired but I fall asleep again as soon as I'm in bed. I fall into a restless sleep, one I am awoken from when my phone rings.

It's pitch black in my room, the only light coming from the ringing cell phone on my nightstand. I grab it and look at the caller I'D.

It's Casey. And if she's calling in the middle of the night it means something is wrong.

"Casey? You all right?" I answer, my breath hitching in my throat.

"Hello, Alex."

My stomach fills with dread. It's not Casey on the other end. It's a male voice, and one that is very familiar.

I bolt upright in bed. "Who is this? Why do you have Casey's phone?"

"You know who this is, Alex. I wasn't too happy that your friend killed my associates. I'm so happy you showed her your secret thinking spot. Very private and made my job easier."

I know who it is - Ski Mask.

I feel like I'm going to cry I'm so scared right now. "If you hurt her I swear to god - "

"Don't think you're in any position to make threats. And I didn't hurt her. Not yet anyway. She definitely doesn't want to be here. But you can do something about that."

I want to keep him talking and contact Olivia and have her phone tracked but I'm afraid to do anything that may put Casey in jeopardy.

"What do you want? Why didnt you take me instead?"

"She doesn't have what I need and I know you do," he says. And after a pause he continues. "Tell no one. No cops or detectives. If you tell one other person I will mail her body parts to the station. Do you understand me?"

My stomach lurches. I know he's serious. "What do you want?" I repeat.

"Do exactly as I say and you'll get your friend back. If you stray in any way - any way at all - I will kill her. And it won't be quick. I will make sure she suffers."

I'm crying now; I'm terrified. I'm scared for Casey and for myself, for what it could be that he wants me to do.

"I'll call you in a couple hours with instructions. Sleep tight."

Then he hangs up.

 **Oh no! Do you think Alex will follow instructions? Will she tell the detectives? review and let me know what you think.**


	14. Chapter 14

There's no way in hell I can go back to sleep now.

Robin is curled up on my bed and gets on my lap, as he senses something is wrong.

I run my fingers through my hair, my mind racing. How could this have happened?

He must have been following us. Or had someone follow us. How else would he have known that I showed Casey my thinking spot? Was he there, spying on us? How did we miss the signs?

Casey must have gone there after she dropped me off. Why, Casey, why would you go there by yourself so late?

I grab my phone again and sit on my bed. My heart is racing and I squeeze my eyes closed, willing myself not to have another episode. I have to stay strong and in control.

I scroll through my contacts and my finger hovers over Olivia's name. I want to call her, to tell her what is happening and ask for help. We could work it out to where he wouldn't know I altered anyone. I know we could.

But I can't do that. If he was able to follow us to my thinking spot, then he has eyes and ears everywhere and would surely know. And it would cost Casey her life. I can't do that.

I drop the phone back on my bed and curl up in a ball, grabbing Robin and cuddling him to my chest. I am so scared right now. I am angry, worried and frightened all at once and I don't know which emotion to give into first.

Somehow I make it through the next couple of hours. When the phone rings again I grab it and sit up. My hands are shaking so badly I can barely hold it.

"Hello, Alex."

His voice rattles me deep down inside. It drills into my brain and colds me right down to the core.

"Your friend says hi. I think she really wants to go home."

"Let me talk to her," I rush out.

"I don't think so," comes the reply.

"How do I know she's even alive?"

"You don't. You just have to take your chances."

I start to shake again and have to hug myself. I swallow harshly. "What do you want?"

"You better takes notes. This has to be done exactly as I ask."

I grab a notepad from my nightstand. I'm growing quite angry and want him to get on with it. "Fine. I'm ready."

"I need to leave the country. I want fifty thousand cash. Enough to be comfortable for awhile. I know you have it. And I want it."

I throw the pen down. "Money? That's all you want? This is all about money?"

"No. It's not all I want. But I need it and I know you have it. I also know you might be inclined to give it to me to get your friend back."

I don't care about money; it means nothing to me. It's not worth a life, and certainly not Casey's life.

I don't even hesitate, "It's yours. What else do I have to do?"

"I will text you an address. I want you to bring it there in a pink backpack. And only a pink backpack. You will come alone and leave it in front of the barn."

"Are you going to release Casey at that time? I'm not giving you anything until you release her."

"You don't call the shots here. I do. You will get her back when I say, as long as you follow instructions."

I close my eyes and open them again. "What else has to be done?"

"I want Liam Connors released and all charges against him dropped."

I feel myself stiffen. There is absolutely no way I can deliver that; no way.

"That's impossible," I explain breathlessly. "He's on trail and being held in jail. There's absolutely no way I can do that. It's one hundred percent impossible."

"Well you better make it possible," he snaps at me. I can hear frustration in his voice. Frustration and desperation.

"I can't do that. I would if I could. I would do that to save Casey. But there's absolutely no way I can accomplish that." Short of walking into the jail and releasing him, I'm telling the truth.

He doesn't respond and for a moment I am afraid he hung up. My voice breaks. "Hello? Please, I can do anything else. Please don't hurt Casey. I am willing to do anything but I can't get Connors released. Please. You have to understand that."

I'm becoming desperate too. I need to reason with him. If there is any reason left within him.

"I'll give you more money," I try desperately. "Name your price. Whatever you want." I start to cry. He isn't answering me. "Please."

Suddenly he starts to laugh. "Oh my dear, Alex. That is so cute. You are so desperate to save your friend. I guess I should be impressed."

"Please," I try again. "I don't want to play any games. I want Casey back and I want this to be over for both of us."

"I want you to go on live TV and tell the whole state of New York that you're a coward and a sham. I want you to tell them how you cried when we touched you. I want you to tell them how you ran away into witness protection. I want you to ruin yourself."

More tears are coming now, in a steady flow. I can't do that. I can't. "Please," I sob. "I can't do it. I can't do that."

"What's the matter, Alex? Don't want people to know who you really are? Take off your mask, Alex. Show everyone your true colors. Like you showed me. You fooled me for too long. You'll never fool me again."

I scrunce my face up in confusion. I know I know him from somewhere...I know I do.

"Who are you?" I demand.

"If you follow through, I will reveal myself to you. I know you like to be in control. But I'm in control now. And this is what is going to happen. Tomorrow at two PM I want you on our local FOX affliate. I want you to read the script I send you. And if you stray this time the way you did before, there will be deadly consequences."

I squeeze my eyes closed. I don't know if I can do it. Casey is my best friend and I love her, but I don't know if I can commit career suicide and ruin my name the way he wants me to.

Why is he so bent on destroying my life? Who is he, and what could I have done that was so bad he feels I deserve this?

"Are you clear on that, Alex? After I see the broadcast, I will text you an address to bring the money. Come directly there from the news station. As long as everything goes without a hitch, I will release Casey. If things go south...then you'd better bring the Medical Examiner with you."

I swallow around the lump in my throat again and nod even though he can't see it.

I know I have no choice. If our roles were reversed, Casey would do what he asked to save me. So I have to do it. I have to do everything he asks.

"I will do everything you ask. Just please, don't hurt her."

He laughs, sending a shiver down my spine. "It's going to be pretty cold tonight. Hope your friend can stay warm. Bye bye, Alex. I will see you tomorrow." Then he disconnects the call.

I get up off my bed and begin to pace, my mind whirling. I angrily toss my phone onto my bed and drop to the floor, clutching the edge of my bed and crying. I cry so hard and for so long I'm absolutely positive I won't have any tears left.

By the time my tears subside, I'm lying curled up in a ball on my bedroom floor. I have the hiccups from crying and roll onto my back, staring up at my ceiling fan.

This can't be happening; it just can't be happening. I have to wake up in my bed and discover this was all a terrible nightmare.

Wake up, Alex. Wake up!

But it isn't a nightmare. The nausea rising in my stomach and my pounding headache tells me this is very much real.

I don't care about the money; really, I don't. I would rather not give a monster fifty thousand dollars but I'm definitely willing to do it. Going on TV and saying those things though...I don't know if I can. I don't know if I can make myself do it.

And that scares me, because if I don't then I know he will kill Casey.

The logical part of me is telling me to call Olivia and Elliot and ask them to come to my apartment. Have them run a trace on Casey's phone. They could probably have her back tonight. Take Ski Mask into custody and end this whole thing.

But he told me to follow directions exactly. I can't take any chances. I would never forgive myself if I got Casey killed.

These next hours are going to be the longest of my life.

.2

I take the next day off, and I call in for Casey too and tell them she is sick so no one will suspect anything. I spend the entire morning in kind of a daze. I keep second guessing myself and I almost give in and call Olivia and Elliot several times.

At around noon I head to my bank. I'm extremely nervous and I hope it doesn't show. I stop at the sporting goods store and buy a pink backpack; Ski Mask had specified it had to be pink. I know I have to remain calm and not suspicious at the bank. Withdrawing this much money throws up red flags anyway, and everyone at the bank knows me.

I walk into the bank as calmly and normally as possible. My hands are sweaty and shaking so I cross my arms against my chest so no one will notice. There's a long line, of course. And the longer I have to stand in line, the more nervous I'm going to get.

Finally it's my turn at the window. I recognize the girl working but can't recall her name. She regards me with a smile. "Miss Cabot, how can I help you?"

I smile and try desperately to remain calm. "Good afternoon. I need to make a withdrawal from one of my accounts." I grab a withdraw slip and quickly scribble it out, then slide it across the counter to her.

She looks at the slip and her eyes go wide. "Of course, Miss Cabot. I just need a few minutes."

She hurries away from the counter and I stand there nervously, drumming my fingers on the counter. I think about Casey and hope she is okay.

I feel sick at the thought of what I have to do next. I haven't yet received his "script" but I know already it's going to be one of the hardest things I've had to do.

The girl at the counter returns and asks me to step aside and talk to her manager. I feel the knot in my stomach tightening. Why couldn't this be an easy in and out?

" Miss Cabot, nice to see you again," the manager says, shaking my hand. Her name tag declares her to be Tonya.

"Is there a problem here?" I ask, my patience at its end. "I have somewhere I need to be."

I probably shouldn't have said that.

"Of course not, but a withdrawal that size in cash takes some time. You understand." She looks at me carefully, as if trying to get a read on me.

Bank employees are trained to be suspicious of large withdrawals from wealthy clients. I know that. They are supposed to stall, to read body language, to ask questions. To try and gauge whether or not they are being extorted.

God I hope they can't read me.

"Very sizable withdrawal today," Tonya says. "May I ask if everything is all right?"

I plaster on my best fake smile and say. "Yes. I am buying a sports car and need to pay the seller in cash."

I must have been convincing, because next I'm asked if I would like an escort to my car which I agree to. I am given the cash in a duffel bag and after I'm escorted to my car, I grab my phone.

I text Casey's number. I got your money. Send me my script.

I only have to wait a few minutes to hear back.

Check your email, is the reply.

I wait a few minutes then pull up my email. Sure enough there is one from Casey's phone, with an attachment. I quickly open it and my eyes read the ugly words faster than my brain can process them.

I'm going to be done after this. These words aren't career ending but I won't have the guts to face anyone after this airs.

I get to the station about fifteen minutes early and tell the station manager it's an emergency and there's something I need to tell the people of Manhattan. He talks to the afternoon news anchors and within minutes I'm getting a microphone clipped on.

My hands are shaking again. I can't believe I'm doing this.

What if I do all this and he kills Casey anyway? All of this would be for nothing.

I open the attachment again on my phone. I will have to read off the screen. I don't have it memorized.

It's two minutes after two when we go live. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I'm introduced by the news anchors and then given the floor to say my piece.

Here it goes. There's no turning back now.

I clear my throat and swallow and start to speak, looking directly into the camera closest to me.

"I'm Alexandra Cabot, assistance district attorney with the Special Victims Unit in Manhattan. As most of you know, recently I, along with my colleague Casey Novak, were abducted and held prisoner for over two weeks. I'm here to tell you what you don't know."

My voice breaks and I have to close my eyes and count to ten before I can go on. I know he is watching me. Watching me and probably laughing, relishing in my pain.

"I was in witness protection for over a year. I was shot, because my relentless pursuit for Justice is more important than anything else in my life. I was hidden away, given a different name, and the handful of people who cared about me were left to think I was dead. I started my new life, made friends and had relationships and tossed them aside like they meant nothing to me. Because they didn't. I was lonely and used anyone I could to try and ease the loneliness. Then when I was done with them, I moved on."

A year makes its way down my cheek. How does he know these things? How does he know so much about my life in Wisconsin?

I clear my throat and start again. "I came back to New York. Not for my friends or family, but for myself. Because I still couldn't let it go. Justice was still all I cared about."

I stop talking, knowing this next part is going to be the worse. I have to force myself to continue.

"I'm a coward. When we were taken, I let Casey get the worst of it. I was too afraid to talk or fight back. I talk a tough game in the courtroom. Everyone thinks I'm one of the strongest people on earth. But I begged for my life everyday and let them hurt Casey to spare me. I cried when they..." I swallow harshly. "I cried when they touched me."

I look up at the camera, tears coming freely now. "So I'm here to say that I'm not what you think. I only do for others who can do for me in return. Everything I have ever done has been calculated and meant to get me to a higher position. Because that's all I care about. I step on people every day, push them down to get me where I have to go. I've forced people to relive their worst nightmares because it would benefit me and my career."

I don't think I can go on. I'm starting to shake now, and relieved to see I am nearly done with this awful speech.

"I'm Alexandra Cabot, and I'm a fraud."

I'm finally finished and I rush off the stage as quickly as possible. I can feel several sets of eyes on me but I don't care. All I care about is getting this over with.

Those were lies; all lies. I always tried to help Casey when we were being held. I never begged for my life.

But I did put my career first, more times than I should have.

Well not now. I'm redeeming myself now.

I literally run to my car and once safely inside, I let myself cry again. Tears of fear and frustration. I have no idea what I'm going to do now...how I'm going to come back from this.

My phone rings, startling me. I don't even look at the caller ID before I answer. "Did you see it? I did what you asked."

"Alex? I just saw. What the hell is going on?"

My heart drops to my feet. It's not Ski Mask. It's Olivia.

"Olivia, I can't talk right now." I disconnect the call without another word.

I lean against the steering wheel and try to compose myself. I desperately wish for the phone to ring; it's taking too long for him to contact me. What if something happened and the broadcast didn't go live? Or what if he was playing me this whole time?

To my immense relief, the phone rings only moments later.

"Very good performance, Miss Cabot. Have to say I am impressed. I didn't think you would go through with it. Well, you have, and I'm a man of my word so...I will text you an address to drop off the money. I will release Casey just as soon as the money is in my hands."

He hangs up, without giving me a chance to respond. I wait about five minutes for the text. I don't recognize the address but a quick punch into the GPS tells me it's twenty minutes away.

I take a deep breath and say a silent prayer, even though I'm not the praying kind. I turn the key and start the ignition when a knock on my window makes me jump.

Olivia. And she does not look happy.

I hit the button and make the window go down enough to talk to her. "Olivia, I can't- "

"Unlock the door, Alex. You aren't going anywhere. We need to talk."

I shut just put the car in gear and get out of there as quickly as I can. But I don't have it in me to fight off Olivia. Sighing, I hit the door locks and Olivia quickly gets in the passenger side.

She looks at me and immediately reaches over and turns the car off, removing the key right from the ignition. She looks me right in the eyes. "You're not at work. Casey isn't at work. And that little speech you did...didn't exactly look like it was your free will. You need to tell me exactly what is going on here, Alex."

I look away from her and her eyes fall on the duffel bags on my backseat. Without even asking, she reaches in the back and partially unzips a bag. When she sees what is inside, she looks back at me in shock. "This is ransom money, isn't it? They take Casey?"

All I can do is nod, looking straight ahead.

"And they made you go on TV?" Again i nod. "You can't pay the ransom, Alex. You can't do anything else they asked you to."

I turn and look at her. "Of course I do. I don't want him to kill Casey. Please, just get out of the car and let me go. This is my choice. My choice. And you can't talk me out of it."

"I can't let you do it, Alex." She grabs her phone from her purse. "Where are you supposed to bring the money to?"

I can't tell her. She can't stop me. "Olivia, you can't stop me. I have to do this. Get out of my car, please. If he knows I have anyone with me, he will kill Casey. I don't have much time."

She makes no attempt to remove herself from my car. I'm growing angry. "Olivia! Get out of my car!"

Her eyes are still locked on mine. "Where are you taking the money, Alex?" She asks again. And then her eyes move to the GPS unit in my dashboard. The GPS unit that clearly displays the address.

I start to panic again, and the only thing I can think of is to scream at Olivia to get out of the car. She finally relents and as soon as she's out of the car, I peel out of the parking lot and am on my way.

My heart is pounding so loud I can feel it in my head. My hands grip the steering wheel so tightly they are turning white. This is going to end one of two ways - either I'm leaving with Casey or she's already dead.

I arrive at the address about fifteen minutes later. It's a farmhouse out in the middle of nowhere; overgrown yard with no neighbors in sight. I roll down the long driveway slowly, trying to take in as much about it as I possibly can.

I was told to leave the money in front of the barn. I pull up to the barn and stop the car, then I grab the duffel bags from the back seat. I waste no time dragging them in front of the barn. Then I stand back by the car and wait.

I'm terrified. Out in the open like this, I could be shot at or attacked.

Only a few minutes later the barn door opens. My breath catches in my throat and I hold my breathe. Ski Mask emerges from within the barn, wearing the same mask and black pants and jacket he wore at the warehouse.

I feel pure hatred towards him. He has a gun and points it at me as he crouches down to check that all his money is there.

Having a gun pointed at me makes me freeze in place. It takes me right back to when I was shot, and my entire body starts to tremble.

I have to be stronger than this; I have to be.

"It's all there. Now take me to Casey," I shout at him.

He stands back up and takes a menacing step towards me. I instinctively step back, my back hitting my car.

And then to my surprise he reaches up and removes his mask.

As soon as I see who it is, I feel my knees might buckle underneath me.

It's Jay, the first man I dated as Emily not long after I got to Wisconsin. It was a short lived affair, but very memorable. He became obsessed with me. We slept together a few times and when I broke up with him, he couldn't take no for an answer.

"Jay..." I breath out. "How could you do this?"

"Your whole life is a lie, Alex. After you dumped me, it wasn't hard to find out who you really were. You lied to me, and those other men you dated. Everything you said was a lie. You're a liar and a whore. How can you make love to a man and lie to his face?"

"I couldn't tell you who I was. You know that, Jay. Is this all to get back at me for breaking up with you?"

"People need to know who people like you really are. It was easy to find Adam. He was the one your friend hit in the face. He had the connections I needed. We just had to get you back to New York. Making sure Connors was caught was all part of the plan."

"And Casey? Why her? She had nothing to do with it. She just had to prosecute the case. Why ruin her life too?"

Instead of answering, he leads me into the barn and points to a horse stall. There I see Casey. She's chained up to a pole in the stall and has tape on her mouth but she's very much alive. And looks relieved to see me. I immeaditely run into the stall and he tosses me a key for the locks on the chains. I rip the tape off Casey's mouth and ask if she's okay. She nods, staring at me in disbelief.

I have a million questions I want to ask Jay. I want a complete explanation and I want it now.

But something tells me we should just get out of here as quickly as possible.

I quickly unlock the chains and Casey gets to her to feet quickly. She does look unharmed but pretty shaken up. She nods as if to assure me she is okay, and I turn my attention to Jay.

"Please...you got what you wanted. Let us go."

We stare each other down. At first I think he's going to draw his gun again. But then he steps aside and motions for us to get out of the stall. I grab Casey's arm and we waste no time getting out.

Then all hell breaks loose.

We have just gotten out of the stall when we three police officers run into the barn, screaming and shouting. I freeze in place and see Olivia and Elliot just outside the barn door, guns raised as well.

Everything seems to he in slow motion. I spin around to look at Jay. He starts to raise his gun and I scream out, "No! Stop!" I don't know if I'm speaking to the police or to Jay.

Instinct tells me to run, and Casey pulls on my arm trying to get me to move. "We have to go! Alex, we have to go!"

The police are getting closer to Jay, yelling at him to drop the gun.

I have just enough time to turn and look at him again before he shoots.

I close my eyes, anticipating the hot, searing pain of lead entering my body. I remember exactly how it feels and I brace myself for it.

But it doesn't come.

I open my eyes, and watch as Casey falls to the ground. It takes a moment for my brain to process that he shot her instead of me.

She falls onto the barn floor, a spot of blood rapidly growing bigger on her lower back.

I'm slow to react. I watch two of the officers tackle Jay, and he drops the gun. They are shouting at him, and he seems to give no resistance as they haul him to his feet.

Suddenly I'm on my knees next to Casey, tears running down my cheeks. "Casey no, I'm so sorry," I sob.

Elliot and Olivia are at my side within seconds, and I angrily push Olivia away when she tries to comfort me. I glare at her. If she has just left me alone...we could have gotten out. This wouldn't have happened.

Elliot is checking Casey over and he looks at Olivia frantically. "We don't have time to wait for a bus." She nods at him and I watch as he picks Casey up gently. He runs to the car with her, me and Olivia right on his heels.

Olivia is on her phone, letting the hospital know we are coming. Elliot puts Casey in the back and jumps in the driver's seat. Me and Olivia both climb in the back.

"Casey, can you hear me?" I ask, pulling her head into my lap. She's bleeding everywhere. The entire back seat is becoming soaked with blood.

She opens her eyes and looks at me. Her eyes look glassy and I tell her it's going to be all right even though I'm not sure that it is.

"Alex..." she says weakly. "It doesn't hurt. I'm okay. It doesn't hurt."

I don't say so, but I know that means she's not okay.

"Casey," Olivia says gently. "Casey, can you move your legs for me?"

Casey doesn't say anything at first. Then when she finally does, her voice is full of fear and confusion. "I can't feel my legs. I can't feel my legs. Alex, why can't I feel my legs?"

She starts to cry and keeps asking over and over again.

And all I can do is lie to her all the way to the hospital.


	15. Chapter 15

I sit leaning forward with my head in my hands. I am at a total loss as to what to do.

Everything I have worked hard for, everything I have sacrificed for, is now gone. I will have no credibility anymore. It makes no difference that I was coerced into saying those words on TV. The point is that I said them.

It's amazing how just like that everything can be taken away.

My phone vibrates in my pocket. I barely have the strength to pull it out and look at the caller ID. It's McCoy. I sigh and decline the call. I can't talk to him now. I can't defend my actions at this moment.

I feel like giving up on everything. What has all this been for, anyway? The past month I have told myself there was a silver lining to what happened to me and Casey. That we became friends because of it and we both needed each other. I did everything I could to convince her not to give up on herself, that things would get better.

But they didn't. They only got worse. And now Casey has to pay the ultimate price for something that is my fault.

I can't be optimistic anymore. I can't be strong anymore. It's taken too much out of me.

I'm pulled from my thoughts by a voice nearby. "Family of Casey Novak?"

I immediately straighten myself up and stand. "Yes, I'm here for Casey."

"We can only speak to family at the moment. Are you family?"

I don't even hesitate to say, "She's my sister."

The young doctor nods, as if accepting my words. "Good news is she's going to pull through. She lost a lot of blood but is stable right now. She just got out of surgery. Bad news is there was extensive damage from the bullet. It was lodged in her spine and severed her spinal cord."

I feel all the color drain from my face and I actually feel like I might throw up. "But they fixed it, right?" I ask in a small voice I don't recognize.

His face says it all. "I'm sorry. There is no fixing it. They did absolutely everything they could have done. But she will never walk again. I'm so, so sorry. I wish I had better news for you. You can see her in a couple hours if you want."

He gives me an apologetic look and then turns to go back to his job.

I sit back down, my mind going over everything he just told me. Tears are stinging at my eyes from the unfairness of this all.

Casey is active and likes sports and riding her bike. She's always on the go, even more so than me. How is she going to deal with this?

I'm absolutely devastated for Casey but even more than that I am angry at Jay, a person I thought cared about me at one time. He had to understand why I could not tell him the truth about my past. How could he hate me so much?

I know he's probably being interrogated right now. Something inside me snaps, and I grab my jacket and get up out of the uncomfortable plastic waiting room chair.

I'm not going to just sit there and feel sorry for myself and Casey. I need to do something about this.

I take a taxi to the precinct and all eyes are on me as I enter. I'm sure I have been the talk of the courthouse and the whole precinct since my TV broadcast. But right now I don't care. I don't have time to stop and worry about what people are thinking or saying about me. I have a destination in mind and I want to get there as quickly as possible.

I find an interrogation room in use, with Olivia and Cragen standing with their arms crossed watching through the window. Jay, Elliot and an officer I don't recognize are interrogating him.

I say nothing, I just go to the door and open it. Olivia and Cragen both notice me at the same time and Olivia yells at me to stop. I ignore her.

"Alex, you shouldn't be in here," Elliot rushes out as soon as he sees me. He stands and moved towards me, but I step away from him quickly.

My eyes are on Jay. He is smiling at me with a crooked, cold smile and it chills me to the bone. I scowl at him.

"I need the room," I say in a stern voice.

"Alex, we can't do that. You know that." Elliot is speaking to me in his low, level voice he reserves only for victims.

I turn and look at him and if looks could kill he would have turned to stone at that moment. "I am not asking, Elliot. I need the room."

He still makes no attempt to leave. I flip my switch and go full Alex Cabot on him. "I need the room, Elliot! I gave you an order. Both of you get out of here now."

The other officer stands up and gives Elliot a look. Elliot still doesn't budge.

"Now!" I scream, reinforcing just how serious I am.

Finally, he relents. He looks at me as if to tell me not to do anything stupid, and then he and the officer leave the room.

I waste no time. Jay is handcuffed to the table, and I move to the table and lean onto it, staring at him. In one motion I flick the microphone off.

He repulses me. I can't believe I shared a bed with him. I can't believe I allowed myself to fall into a relationship with someone so crazy and so vile.

Shows you what loneliness will do to you.

He smiles that crooked smile again and says, in a completely calm tone, "So...did Casey die?"

I am so angry that I can't control myself. I take several deep breaths to calm myself but it seems to have no effect. I punch him in the face. Hard.

I've never hit anyone before. And from the bewildered look on his face, he never expected me to snap the way I did.

My hand aches immediately, the pain shooting all the way up to my wrist. But I ignore it.

"You don't say her name!" I yell at him. "You don't deserve to say her name! You piece of shit, you didn't have to shoot her!" I am losing my composure now. I'm shaking and breathing heavily but I don't stop yelling at him. "I gave you what you wanted. Everything you asked for. You didn't have to shoot Casey. She did nothing to you. Nothing."

He sneers at me. "No, but you did. I loved you. I loved you more than I have ever loved another person. And you lead me on. As soon as you got tired of me you threw me away like you do to everyone else who becomes of no use to you anymore. I showered you with gifts and it was never enough. You made love to me and claimed to love me, but you never did, did you? You couldn't even tell me your real name."

"We dated, Jay. We didn't date long enough to fall in love. I had just gotten to Wisconsin, I was loney and scared. You had been kind to me. But I didn't love you, Jay."

"But you slept with me. You fucking whore, you sleep with everyone? I started to find out about you and who you really were. Learned how ruthless and cold you truly were. You're a terrible person, Alex. Or should I call you Emily?"

I narrow my eyes at him. I had been so loney when I assumed my new identity that I was willing to hold onto to anyone who showed an interest in me. Unfortunately that person had been Jay. "I'm not that person anymore," I tell him. "I've changed."

He snorts. "No you haven't. Once a selfish, career obesseed bitch, always a selfish career obsessed bitch. People don't change. It's just a lie they like to tell themselves."

Even though I don't want them to, his words sting. Because I know that's exactly the way I used to be. I did used to be selfish and the only thing I cared about was my job and furthering my career. But not anymore.

I don't owe Jay an explanation; I never have. He is a peice of human garbage and I want him out of my sight and locked up as soon as possible.

I lean closer to him. "Let me make one thing clear, Jay. I don't owe you anything. What you did to me and Casey is deplorable and you will not only pay for it, but you will also pay for stealing Casey's life."

He sneers again. "So she did die, huh? Would like to say I'm sorry. But everything I found out about her, seemed most people thought she was useless anyway. So no big loss."

I'm angry again. "You shut up about her. You ruined her life and I'm going to make sure you pay for it."

He doesn't stop. He is completely calm and continues to talk. "She was willing to die for you. She asked me to kill her and leave you alone. But where was the fun in that?"

I close my eyes. He needs to stop talking now. "You need to shut up. Immeaditely."

But he doesn't. "Did you know she's actually a coward? Talks a big talk but she cried like a baby when she thought I was going to touch her again. Pathetic, really."

I feel myself snapping again, but this time Olivia and Elliot are at my side to stop me. I scream at him, try to lunge for him, but Elliot and Olivia hold me back and walk me out of the interrogation room.

"Calm yourself down, Alex," Olivia says gently. "You need to stop. Sit and calm down."

I shake her and Elliot off me, spinning around to face them. "Get your goddamn hands off me. If you hadn't come bursting in that barn, Casey never would have gotten shit. It's your fault. Why couldn't you just let me do what I had to do?"

"Because he wouldn't have stopped, Alex," Elliot interjects. "If he hadn't killed you both right there, he would have later. We had no choice. You were both in danger."

"Well Casey's life is destroyed." My voice breaks and I feel tears in my eyes again. "What am I supposed to tell her? How am I supposed to tell her? She's going to blame me...and she should."

Olivia opens her mouth to reply when she looks behind me and stops. I'm aware of someone standing there and I turn around and see Jack McCoy looking at me in disapproval.

"Alex...we need to talk."

Olivia and Elliot takes this as their cue to retreat and let me know they will be stopping by the hospital.

I raise my hand to McCoy. "I can't talk right now, Jack. There's a reason I declined your call."

"You have made a terrible mistake and need to rectify it as quickly as possible. I have been doing damage control all day. I understand you said what you did under duress, but Alex, you need to respond. You need to release a statement. Your career is taking a nose dive and I know this isn't who you are."

Apparently telling Jack I can't talk right now has no effect on him.

"Making a statement and defending myself is the last thing on my mind, Jack."

"It should be if you value your career. You're next in line to be DA. You're a shu-in. Everyone knows it. But if you don't come back from this, it won't happen."

"I don't care."

I'm surprised to hear the words come out of my mouth. And McCoy looks equally as shocked. "Bet you thought you would never hear me say that. Believe me, I never thought I would say it. But these past couple of years have shown me that there is more to life. Other things matter. Other people matter."

He appears angry. "Don't throw your career away for Casey Novak. She has no future here, but you do."

I can't believe he said that. I honestly cannot believe he uttered those words. "Throw my career away for her? She threw her life away for me! She's my friend, Jack. My friend. My best friend. And I have to go back to that hospital and tell my best friend that she will have to be a wheelchair for the rest of her life." I turn away from him, my voice breaking. "Excuse me for not giving a shit about myself right now."

"I didn't realize her injuries were so severe. I'm sorry, Alex." His words seem sincere but I know still all he cares about is who is going to take his job. "That's a real shame."

"I want to be with my friend," I tell him. "I don't want to go release a statement or try and defend my actions right now. I want to be with Casey. Can you understand that? If you have to fire me, fire me. I won't fight you. I know you're just the District Attorney...but you used to be a person. You must have some compassion left within you somewhere."

He says nothing, and I turn and stride quickly down the hall.

 **Did Alex make the right choice? and what did you think of the punch?**


	16. Chapter 16

Casey wakes up a couple hours later in recovery. I've been sitting in the chair by her bed flipping through the same magazine for over an hour.

She wakes up slowly, looking around and blinking her eyes in confusion.

"Casey, it's Alex. You're okay. You had surgery," I say reassuringly. I put my magazine down and focus on her.

"I feel...like shit," she says, attempting to sit up but not quite making it. I can tell she's really out of it and I wonder if she remembers what happened.

"It's normal, you were put under for surgery. Don't try to move too much. Just relax." I hand her a cup of water from the bedside table and she drinks it with shaking hands, spilling more of it on herself than she actually drinks.

She closes her eyes and groans, rubbing her head. "Everything is so fuzzy. I can barely see you. I feel like I'm a dream."

I wish it were a dream. I really do. I know she's going to become more lucid and remember what happened. And then I'm going to have to tell her the worst news of her life. I'll take these last few moments until that happens.

I smile at her. "It takes a bit for the anthesia to wear off. I assure you not being able to see me is not a tragedy. I look the same."

I expect her to laugh at that but she doesn't. She just looks at me and blinks her eyes again. "You paid the ransom money," she says, like she can't believe it. Like it's impossible that someone believes she is worth it.

"Yes," I say without hesitation. "Of course I did. Did you think I wouldn't?"

She is silent for a moment, then a look of horror comes over her. I can tell she's remembering what happened and my heart lurches. "He shot me..." She grabs her blanket and pulls it off her legs, as if checking to see if they are still there. She looks at me in confusion. "I couldn't move my legs. I still can't." I can tell she's trying and in an instant she is crying as realization hits her. "No! Please no!"

I don't have to say it after all; she knows.

She is crying harder than I have ever seen another person cry, and it breaks my heart. I let my own tears slide down my cheek and I reach to touch her arm, to try and reassure her, but she jerks away from me.

It's the most heartbreaking sight in the world to see someone you care about cry uncontrollably and know there is absolutely nothing you can do to make things better for them. Nothing. I have never felt more useless in my life.

A nurse wanders into the room, and I hold my hand up and stop her. "We need a minute. Please." She nods in understanding and leaves the room.

I let Casey cry. I don't know what to say or do; there's nothing I can say or do that will make this even remotely okay.

I think back to my conversation I had with McCoy and I was so easily able to say I didn't care about my career when comparing it to Casey. I meant it. I feel closer to her than anyone else in my life right now. I know it's because of what we went through together, but a part of me tells me it's because we were always meant to be friends. I have always had friends, yes, but no one I could tell everything to and be myself around so easily. I love Casey, and it's not romantic in the least bit, not at all. I have always wanted a sister, since I was a child. And now I have one.

If she doesn't hate me and blame me for what happened to her.

Her crying has subsided a little and she's looking away from me, avoiding my gaze. "Casey," I say softly. "It really is going to be okay."

She turns and looks at me, tears shining in her eyes. "You should have just let me die."

That hurts me deep inside and I shake my head and close my eyes. "No. Casey, don't say that. You haven't even talked to the doctor yet. We don't know how bad it is yet."

Casey closes her eyes and lets her head fall back against her pillows. "I have an idea. And I don't want to live that way."

We sit in awful silence until the nurse comes back in to check on Casey. She tries to make small talk but neither of us are in the mood. I ask for her doctor to be sent in as soon as possible.

We don't have to wait long. Casey's doctor is a surprisingly young energetic woman who introduces herself as Dr. Greens. She is very friendly and takes the time to explain everything to us both in a very professional and kind manner.

It's unfortunately as bad as I was expecting; Casey is paralyzed from the waist down. Permanently. She tells us that sometimes patients are able to have small movements but not to hang too much hope on that.

Casey bursts into tears again and I come close to breaking down myself but I have to be strong for her.

Dr. Greene is as positive and optimistic as possible, letting us know that others in Casey's position retain their independence and are able to live by themselves and still work. She explains that Casey will need physical therapy weekly, and she will need someone to stay with her upon returning home during her "transition", basically learning how to do things by herself.

She tells us there are organizations that can help set up her apartment to accommodate her and help with transportation. I know it won't be a problem. Casey has friends; we will all take care of her and make sure she has everything she needs.

"If it isn't an option for you to return home when discharged from the hospital, we do have a rehab facility that you could stay in short term."

I shoot that down. "That won't be necessary. I'll stay with her and we have friends who can and will pitch in to help."

I realize we have been talking about Casey as if she isn't here and she hasn't said a word. But suddenly she speaks up. "I don't need someone living with me."

"I won't be living with you; I'm just going to stay with you until you're okay to be on your own."

"I don't need it," she says flatly.

"Not optional, Casey. It's for your own good." I leave no room for argument and Casey knows better than to try and argue right now anyway.

Dr. Greene says that Casey has to stay in the hospital the next couple of days. A social worker will come to talk to her about getting a wheelchair and she will start physical therapy soon to learn how to "deal with her new circumstances."

After she leaves, that awful silence befalls me and Casey again. She has her head turned the other way so she doesn't have to look at me.

"I know you're upset with me, Casey. But things are going to be okay. I'm going to see that Jay gets punished to the fullest extent. I know this is the hard, but you are a strong person and you can get through this. You aren't alone."

Casey doesn't say anything at first. And when she does, she still doesn't look at me. "He told me what he was going to make you do. I didn't want you to, Alex. I didn't want you to go on TV and ruin your career." She finally looks at me. "He said you did it. Why?"

"Why?" Does she really need to ask that question? "Because you're my best friend, Casey. I would have done anything to save you."

She sighs and looks away again. "You shouldn't have. I'm not worth it."

"I seem to think you are more than worth it. You're a much better person than me. I would have done anything he asked me to. And I know you would have done the same for me."

"I deserve this," she says, motioning at herself. "I'm being punished. For killing those men."

"Don't even say that. It's not true," I scold her. I hate hearing her talk about herself this way.

Casey turns and looks at me again. "Could you leave, please? I want to be alone. I need to deal with this by myself."

I shake my head. "No. You don't need to deal with it by yourself and you won't. I'm not going to let you. You can push me away or say anything you want to me, but I won't let you go through this alone."

I stand up and drop the magazine into the chair. I know she does need some time to herself and I intend to respect that. "I'll go for now. But I'll be back."

Casey doesn't say anything as I leave the room. But as soon as I step outside I can hear her start to cry again, and it breaks my heart all over again.

.2

I go to work the next day, planning to spend the evening at the hospital with Casey.

I'm the talk of the DA's office and the courtroom. Everyone has seen the TV broadcast by now. But no one dares mention it in my presence. I go to work as if nothing happened, pulling some of Casey's case files and piling them onto mine. It's going to be a while before she can come back, if she even wants to. We may have to hire a temporary ADA until she does.

As expected, McCoy comes to see me at my office that afternoon. He has that hard as stone look on face and sits down in front of my desk without even asking.

"I've arranged a press conference for you today," he says. "Damage control. So you can rescind what you said and so everyone can know what happened. I prepared a speech for you; the talking points are that the suspect is in custody and the DA's office is on top of it. It's at seven sharp."

I shake my head, not even looking up from my computer. "Can't. I'll be at the hospital with Casey."

He doesn't like that answer. "I'm not giving you a choice, Alex."

I look at him, anger flashing in my eyes. "Let me get this straight. You arranged a press conference for me to gravel, and you want me to try and make the DA's office look good? So I can sit in your chair next year?"

That's excatly it and he knows it.

"No thank you," I say quickly. "I already told Casey this morning that I would be there."

"Well I'm sure she will understand." He is trying to act nice now. To give the illusion that he cares. Even though I know there's only one thing he cares about. "You can have time to do both."

I shake my head again. "No. She's getting her wheelchair this evening and a physical therapist is going to work with her, go over everything she needs to know. I'm staying with her for while so it's important I be there to learn too."

"As I said, I'm not giving you a choice. Now I know you didn't mean what you said before. That you don't care about your career. But I know how wrong that is. You do care, Alex. You no doubt care about Casey too but I know your career is something you won't just walk away from. When it comes right down to it, this is what you have worked for your whole life. You _will_ do this. If you don't, I expect to see your resignation on my desk tomorrow."

He gets up and leaves, and I slam the lid to my laptop closed and feel that familiar constricting panic in my chest again.

McCoy is right. Casey is extremely important to me and I'm prepared to put my career on the back burner for her. But can I give it up completely?

The answer is no.

My heart is racing. No...don't have a panic attack...keep yourself calm...

I have to stay calm. Casey isn't here to talk me through this one. And I don't know if I can do it without her.

I can hear Jay's words in my head. Those words he said to me in the interrogation room. " _Once a selfish career driven bitch, always a selfish career driven bitch_."

That's enough to break me. I curl up on the couch in my office and fall apart.

 **what will Alex do? What SHOULD she do?**


	17. Chapter 17

I sprint to get my work finished so I can spend a couple hours at the hospital with Casey before I attend the ridiculous press conference that McCoy has set up.

I know I didn't give one hundred percent to my job today and that deeply bothers me. I never give less than my all.

I have several emails to return, several reports from my ADAs to look over...but this can all wait until tomorrow. I will come in a couple hours early so I can finish it all.

I leave the DA's office in a hurry. I don't want anything or anyone to stop me. Of course as soon as I start my car the gas light comes on. But that can wait too.

Driving in Manahttan is always a headache but since I'm in a hurry today it seems to be worse. I hit every red light and curse out a dozen other drivers under my breath. It takes me longer than what is necessary to get to the hospital.

When I get to Casey's floor I can hear angry voices from her room before I even get to it.

"I can do it myself! I don't need help!" I hear Casey yell angrily, and when I step into the room I see her sitting on the edge of the bed with a wheelchair in front of her and a very frazzled physical therapist standing in front of the bed.

"What's going on?" I ask casually, dropping my purse and jacket onto the nearby chair.

"You must be Alex. I'm Katelyn but everyone calls me Kat. I'm your friend's physical therapist. I brought a wheelchair up to start working with Casey on mobility. I was just trying to explain that she will need help at first until she gets adapted to doing things on her own."

I can tell Casey has been giving the poor woman a hard time. I look at Casey. "She's just trying to help, Casey. I know this sucks but you can't refuse her help."

Casey looks at the wheelchair with determination. "I can get into the chair by myself."

"It's not a good idea. Let me show you how to check and make sure the brakes are locked. Then I'll help you. With practice you will be able to do it yourself. But you can't right now," Kat explains.

"You can't expect to be able to do everything at once," I reason. "I have no doubt you will be able to do everything for yourself in time. But for now, let people help you."

Casey still stares at the wheelchair, then down at herself. I can tell her bravery is wavering and she's giving in. She grips the side of the bed hard and says, "Fine. Show me."

I try not to stare as Kat helps Casey get into the chair. I don't want to make her feel any more self conscious than she already does. I sit in the chair and try to act interested in my phone.

"This is just a regular chair for now. It folds up for easy transport. Your insurance will most likely pay for an eletric wheelchair which is much easier to navigate. But for now you can start getting the hang of maneuvering in this one."

I finally look at Casey. She's sitting in the chair, looking down at the wheels and trying to figure out how to maneuver them. Kat shows her how to roll the wheels backwards and forwards, how to turn, how to set the brakes. I watch and take mental notes from where I am sitting.

An electric wheelchair would definitely be much better. "What does she have to do to get an eletric? Does she have to call the insurance company?"

Kat shakes her head. "We can fill out the forms and send the paperwork out here. If her insurance approves it she should get it within a couple weeks."

Kat leaves the room with Casey and I hang back and wait, sitting back in the chair and looking around the room. This really does truly suck for Casey. I wish I could trade places with her. I would, in an instant. I'm the one who deserves this; not her.

I notice flowers sitting on the counter and my curiosity gets the better of me. I wonder who they are from. I get up and look at the card and almost start laughing when I see they are from Jack McCoy.

Casey comes back about a half hour later without Kat. She rolls into the room slowly, not yet used to her new wheels. She stops a few feet from me and looks at me.

"How you doing?" I ask awkwardly.

She shrugs. "They've had me up all day. They, uh, had to put a catheter in and show me how to change it. I don't...have any control. So I have to use one all the time."

I cringe and my heart drops. My aunt used to have to use a catheter. She hated it and constantly got infections from it.

"Did it hurt?" I ask.

"I can't feel anything so I have no idea. Probably would have," she says quickly. "Guess I would rather use one than piss myself all the time."

I look at her. "Do you have any movement at all?"

She looks at her legs. "Nope. Awesome, huh?" She's trying to be brave but I can see the sadness in her eyes. "Showering should be fun. I don't think I can get a chair into my shower at home."

"We will figure it out," I tell her, already thinking of solutions. "Don't worry about anything. I'll have things taken care of. You just concentrate on yourself."

Casey sighs. "I didn't want any of this, Alex. I didn't want to have to live this way. I didn't want you to have to abandon your career and feel obligated to help me. You are amazing at what you do and you can't give it up. It's selfish of me to allow you to."

"You're the least selfish person I know," I say. "I haven't abandoned my career; I just realized there are more important things. And Casey, I don't feel any obligation to you. I'm here and doing this because I want to and please don't ever think I am helping you against my will. I love you, Casey, and I want to be here to help you through this."

I can see tears in Casey's eyes but she doesn't say anything in response.

"I never asked you, do you have family or anyone you want me to call for you?"

She shakes her head. "No. Not anymore. But thank you."

She's told me about her parents before and it seemed as if they were always close. I wonder if they have passed away. If so, Casey hasn't said and I have no intention of asking her. I don't push the issue further.

I look at my watch. I have about a half hour until I have to go. Casey catches me looking. "You can go. You don't have to sit here with me. I know I'm boring."

"It's not that at all. I have a meeting at seven," I lie. "But how about I come back afterwards and stay the night? I'm sure they could give me something to sleep on."

"I'm fine. I'm not dying. No reason you have to sleep here tonight."

Casey is so different. So cynical and depressed. Of course I cannot blame her, and it's only been a few days since her new reality. But even so, this new change makes me sad. Casey had been getting better and now she's worse off than she was before.

She's acting like she doesn't want me here. "Okay. Then I'll come back tomorrow. Want me to help you back in bed before I go?"

Wrong thing to say. She glares at me. "No, I don't."

"Well please don't try it by yourself. Promise me you'll call a nurse in to help you?" She rolls her eyes at me but after some prodding she agrees.

I leave her room. I thought I would feel better after seeing Casey, but instead I feel worse.

.2

The press conference was a joke. I'm a seasoned public speaker and always able to speak with composure and grace.

But this time I stood there in front of the cameras and read from McCoy's prepared speech in a flat tone. I fidgeted and kept clearing my throat. I could feel his gaze of disapproval on me the entire time but somehow I got through it. As soon as was done speaking I turned and walked back into the courthouse, not even offering to take questions. From inside I could see McCoy grandstanding and taking questions. What a showhorse.

And today has been a complete disaster. I didn't sleep last night, and overslept for work for the first time in my entire life. I was forty five minutes late for our morning DA meeting. I made a careless mistake in court that cost me my case. And I have been short with my staff all day. To say I'm off my game is an understatement.

I expected to be summoned by McCoy some time during the day. But to my immense surprise I wasn't.

I spend my lunch hour at the store picking up some supplies for Casey's apartment. I get a bench and some railings for her shower and some groceries. I pick up a few odds and ends that I think she will need.

I am way, way behind on paperwork and reports. I work until seven PM and leave with a feeling of guilt in my stomach. I had promised Casey I would be there for her and it's almost eight and I haven't seen her yet today. I'm already failing.

The day just gets worse when I get to Casey's room. I hear the familiar sound of yelling that I heard yesterdsy and this time when I go in the scene is much worse.

Casey is on the floor with Kat crouched down next to her and her wheelchair a few inches away. I'm immeaditely horrified. "What the hell is going on?!"

They both look at me at the same time but Casey is the first to speak. "I can't do this tonight...please go, Alex. I don't want to see you right now."

I look to Kat for an explanation. "Is she okay? What happened?"

"She just had a fall but she will be all right," Kat assures me with a smile.

"Alex! I said I don't want to see you!" She's yelling at me, on the verge of tears. I can tell she is greatly embarrassed. "Leave! Now!"

Kat looks at me with a sympathetic expression. "Maybe it's best you go home for right now."

I don't want to. I don't want to leave Casey, especially since she seems so upset. But I have to respect her wishes. Even though it kills me, I say goodbye and ask Casey to call me later.

As soon as I'm in the hallway I lean against the wall and call Elliot. He picks up right away. "Elliot, if you and Fin are free could you meet me at Casey's apartment? And bring some tools."

.3

I've just spent over an hour walking Fin and Elliot through Casey's apartment and instructing them on everything that needs to be altered for her. Bossing comes natural to me so I am really in my element.

Elliot looks at everything I have strewn all over the table. He exchanges glances at Fin and he nods.

"Do you have all the tools to get it done?" I ask. "Casey comes home day after tomorrow and I want things to be as easy for her as possible."

"We'll get it done, Alex," Fin says with a smile. "No problem. And Casey is lucky to have you for a friend."

The guys get busy in the bathroom and I do some rearranging in the kitchen. Mostly bringing cups and plates and such down in the cupboards onto lower shelves so Casey can reach them. I run out of room for her coffee mugs so I improvise and for now put them on the dish drying rack. I know the coffee mugs are of the most importance. Coffee is essential for life.

I go into Casey's room and get to work next. My obsession for neatness hits me and I can't help but tidy up her room. Not that it's messy, but...it's not 'Alex clean'.

She has some items pretty high up on the shelves in her closet so I bring them down and stack them in one area of her large closest while I try and make room. There are extra blankets, a tote of shoes, and a shoebox of personal photos. I want to look at the photos but I feel that's invasive so I just put the box onto a lower shelf and move on. Maybe one day Casey will show them to me.

We were for a couple hours, and then Fin comes to tell me they are finished. I go into the bathroom and am impressed by their handiwork.

The bench fits the shower perfectly; I guess I really can measure. They attached it close enough to the shower controls so that Casey will be able to reach them. They have attached the railings around it, and lowered the shelves that hold her soaps and shampoos. It looks great, and I think it will really help Casey feel more comfortable when she comes home.

"You guys are fantastic. Thank you." I give them both a hug. "I owe you guys dinner - Let me know when you're both free."

"I'll hold you to that, Alex," Fin says.

I walk them both to the door and before they leave, Elliot hangs back a minute to talk to me.

"Look Alex, I have known you for awhile. I know you like to throw yourself into things. I'm glad you are going to help Casey, but don't overextend yourself. Remember you are important too, and take care of yourself."

I know he's right. But I've never been one to take good care of myself and I don't see that changing anytime soon.


	18. Chapter 18

When it's time for Casey to come home I'm really nervous. I've been working on getting the finishing touches on her apartment for a days. And thankfully she comes home on a Saturday so I don't have to work her first couple of days back.

I'm worried that something is going to go wrong; that Casey will try to do too much by herself or will get angry with me and insist I leave.

She hasn't been having an easy time. She's depressed, and everything she says is sarcastic and cynical. I know the last thing she needs is to feel sorry for herself. But damnit, I sure as hell feel sorry for her too.

I'm the only one who talks on the drive back from the hospital. Her wheelchair is folded up in the backseat of my car and Casey sits looking out the window, remaining completely silent.

"Meep and Peep are good," I tell her. "I went to the pet store and got them a bunch of stuff. I had no idea what they needed but got everything the girl at the pet store said. I spent like a hundred dollars," I laugh lightly.

"I've got some money in my purse, I'll pay you back," Casey suddenly says.

"No, you don't need to," I say quickly. "It's really not a problem."

"You don't need to spend any more money on me," she lectures, still not looking at me.

I know the conversation is about to take an ugly turn so I change the subject quickly. "I brought over a bunch of DVDs from home. Thought we could have a movie and pizza night. I noticed you have a lot of board games. Maybe we could play one too."

Casey finally turns and looks at me. "Really, Alex? You think things can just go back to being normal? That we can have a sleepover and eat pizza and play games and gossip like nothing happened? Is that what you really think?" She's getting upset and her voice wavers.

I sigh. "Casey...It's not like that. I just thought you might have fun. You've been stuck in the hospital for a few days and I thought it would be good for you."

"What would be good for me is not to pretend," she says. "You told me once that you're not a person who pretends. So don't. Don't pretend I'm normal or that things can just go back to how they were. Because they never can, Alex. They never can. I'll never be the person I was before."

That makes me incredibly sad. I choke back tears. I hate so much that Casey is giving up on herself.

"That's not true. You can still do anything you want!"

Casey shakes her head and turns away from me. "Just stop talking and drive so I can get home and go to bed."

I stay silent the rest of the drive to Casey's apartment. I knew this was going to be a hard adjustment for Casey but it already not going well is a looming omen to how this is going to be.

I've been hammering out the details to get Casey back and forth to her therapy sessions (which she desperately needs) twice a week and her physical therapy once a week. We already had an argument about it; Casey demanding she do it herself by way of taxis and the bus. I'm thinking more along the lines of me and our friends giving her rides and making sure she gets there and back. She has so many people who want to help her. And if it comes right down to it, I'll do it all myself. I can work it out.

We finally get to her apartment and I know this is going to be an uphill battle. I get out of the car and get her wheelchair out, opening it up. Casey opens her door and I roll it over to her and lock the brakes so it won't go anywhere.

I know she's going to get mad and yell at me, but I ask anyway. "Do you want me to help you?"

She shakes her head, a look of determination on her face. It takes her several minutes but she does get into the chair by herself. I smile and she rolls away from the car, closing the door behind her. I grab her bag from the back and she motions for me to give it to her so I put it on her lap.

We go up to her apartment in silence. I haven't told her everything we did to alter her place. I want her to see it for herself.

She unlocks the door and I follow her in. Her eyes immeaditely shoot around the living room and she comments, "It's clean."

"Yeah. The cleaning fairy came."

Casey finally looks at me. "Was her name Alex? Thank you."

I just nod and follow Casey into the kitchen. She doesn't say anything at first. She rolls up to the cabinets and opens each of the doors. She looks around her reorganized kitchen and then back at me. "You do this?"

"Yeah. I hope it's okay."

I see tears in her eyes as she thanks me. I can tell there's more she wants to say, but she doesn't have to. I already know.

"I had Elliot and Fin help with the bathroom. You want to take a look?"

She looks at me and nods and I lead her into the bathroom. She enters carefully, her chair barely fitting through the door. I watch as she looks around in awe and stops right in front of the shower. "You - didn't have to do this. I can't believe you did this."

"I know I didn't have to. I wanted to. And what's so hard to believe? That someone thinks you are worth it? You are more than worth it, Casey. I wish you would believe that. I'll tell you every day if I have to until you realize it's true."

She's looking at the floor now and I see a tear roll down her cheek. "I just - thank you." I can tell she is immensely grateful. She had been so nervous about returning home and I know this has helped put her mind at ease a little. It doesn't fix it, but it sure helps.

"You're my sister - You would do the same for me," I tell her.

She finally looks at me. "Sister?"

I nod. "I've always wanted a sister, since I was a child. Mostly so I could boss her around." Casey laughs at that. It's good to hear her laugh. "Look, there's family you have and family you choose. What we went through together...no one can ever understand that, not fully anyway. I feel so connected to you. And, if you don't mind, I want you to be my sister."

Casey looks around the bathroom again and then back at me. "Can we go talk in the living room? I don't think the bathroom is the place for this conversation."

I laugh lightly. "Sure. You're right."

I follow Casey into the living room and sit down on her couch. She faces me in her wheelchair and looks me in the eyes. "I would love to be your sister. But you do realize you can't boss me around?"

"I already figured that one out."

Casey sighs. "I know I've been a bitch since," she motions at herself. "Since this happened. I just don't know how I'm going to go on with my life like this. I know I have to keep going to therapy and I know you are here for me...But I've always been independent. I've always had to do everything by myself. I'm not used to people helping me and it's a hard thing to accept that someone willingly wants to."

I reach out and take her hand. "Please believe me when I say I do. And what about your parents, Casey? Haven't they ever helped you?"

"I used to be so close to them. My dad was in the military so he was strict but a really good dad. I lived at military posts all over growing up. When I went to college it was so hard; I had academic scholarships but I still had to have two jobs to help pay for it. While going to school. It was incredibly hard." She stops talking for a moment.

I feel so guilty. I never had to struggle; my education was paid for and then some. I never even had an actual job until my first internship. I suddenly feel very guilty that someone as smart and amazing as Casey had to struggle when I had it so easy. Of course I worked my butt off in law school but I had it easy compared to her.

"My mom got sick shortly after I graduated. She passed away about six months later. It was really hard to deal with. My dad...he hasn't been the same since. He turned to alcohol to help numb him. He would spend every day in a stupor. Eventually I have him ultimatum; get help or I wouldn't see him anymore. He chose the alcohol and I haven't seen him in two years. So now I just work and try to avoid relationships and friendships. I spend holidays alone." She looks at me. "It isn't easy to let people in, Alex. I have trust issues. But after they whipped me and you were so concerned and took care of me, I saw your kindness. I remember being in horrible pain and you talking to me and trying to clean up the infection. You did it out of nothing but kindness. Just like what you did with my apartment here. You're not an Ice Queen; you're the kindest person I know."

I start to cry; I can't help myself. I'm not used to compliments that aren't about my appearance or winning a case. Kind has never been a word someone has chosen to describe me with. It makes me feel incredible.

"You'll never spend another holiday alone, Casey. Ever," I promise her. "And that's a warning. I tend go overboard."

She smiles and looks down at herself again. "Being as incredible as you are, do you think you can fix me?" she asks in a shaky voice.

"I could - if there was something wrong with you. But there's nothing wrong with you, Casey. _Nothing_. You're exactly who you are supposed to be. And that person is amazing and can do anything."

She looks down sadly again and another tear makes its way down her cheek. "Except walk."

"That doesn't matter. You're still you. And you don't know for sure - people have proven doctors wrong before. And if anyone can do that, it would be you." I squeeze her hand. "I promise I won't give up on you but you can't give up on yourself either. When things get rough, take it. I'll be your punching bag - You can scream at me, call me names, cry to me. Whatever you have to do to get through it. That's what you do when someone is important to you."

"What did he make you say?" Casey suddenly asks. "When you had to go on TV."

I clear my throat. "It wasn't good. That's why I had to leave the hospital the other day. When I said I had a meeting. McCoy set up a news conference for me. I didn't want to do it. But I had no choice."

I'll never be at the same place I was with my career again - ever. And Jay is going to pay for that as well as for ruining Casey's life.

"I'm sorry, Alex. I really, truly am. This sucks for you too and you don't deserve it." I can tell there's something else she isn't saying.

"What is it?"

She hesitates and then softly asks, "How much was the ransom?"

I consider lying to her, but I can't. She deserves the truth. "Fifthy thousand dollars."

Casey's mouth drops open and she stares at me in shock. "Are you serious? And you just paid it, just like that? Like it was nothing?"

"Well I did get it back but yes I paid it without a second thought. It was a small price to pay to get you back."

She looks away from me again. "I don't even know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything - I get it." I smile at her.

She smiles back. "I'm going to ask you for help with something," she says.

"Of course. Anything."

Her eyes meet mine and I see determination. "I want to confront that scumbag. Jay. I want to let him know he has no power over me."

I inhale sharply. I don't think that's a good idea. Seeing him might make things harder for Casey. But she seems so determined, how can I just tell her no? She'll be in no danger and I'll be there for support.

"Do you think you can handle it?" I ask her. "If you really want to I will arrange it. But I want you to think and make sure you are positive first."

She doesn't even hesitate. "I am."

"Okay. Then I'll make it happen." I don't like it, but it's not my decision. Maybe it will be therapeutic for her. "You know, I went to see him when you were in surgery. I punched him in the face."

Casey looks at me, blinking. "You punched him?"

I let a smile creep across my face. "I did. I had never hit anyone before. What can I say, I'm a protective sister."

"I would have loved to have seen that. Loved it," Casey muses. "Wow. Every day you do something to surprise me." She suddenly turns serious. "He said you used to date...did you love him?"

"No," I answer honestly. "I cared for him...but I didn't love him. I must have led him on and for that I feel badly. But it gives him no excuse for what he did to either of us."

I somehow get Casey to agree to watch a movie with me. She wants to change her clothes so I sit on the couch and wait for her. Several minutes go by and she doesn't come back so I go and hesitantly knock on her bedroom door. "Casey? You okay in there?"

"Don't come in - I'm fine," she answers quickly. I hear her swear under her breath. She's obviously having issues getting herself dressed.

"I can come in and help," I tell her.

"Alex! Let me struggle!" she yells back at me.

I know she has to figure it out for herself and I have to let her. It's just so hard to have someone you care about struggle.

 **the next chapter is going to be very intense. will try and update the next couple of days**


	19. Chapter 19

Casey is adjusting much better than I expected her to. I have to give her credit- she's determined, that's for sure.

"The one thing I'm going to miss that is ridiculous is driving," Casey tells me as we eat Chinese takeout for dinner. "I like driving; I like the freedom of it. I'm not going to like depending on other people to cart me around."

I pull apart my crab rangoon and look at her. "They can adapt cars for people with disabilities to be able to drive. We can look into it."

I realize what I've said and gauge Casey's reaction. She stirs her rice and grows quiet.

"By disabilies I didn't mean - "

She shakes her head. "No, it's okay. I do have a disability now. I need to get used to it. I understand."

I almost let out a sigh of relief that she isn't upset. "We don't mind giving you rides Casey. We can all work it out. But if you want I can check into getting a car adapted for you."

"I probably can't afford it anyway," she comments.

She takes her plate and silverware and sets it on her knees and then asks me if I'm done. I let her take my plate and cup and she rolls over to the sink and rinses everything and then loads them into the dishwasher.

I know without a doubt if it's possible for Casey to drive again that I would pay for the car. But I don't say it; somehow I think that would make Casey feel worse.

I very much intend to check into it, but I drop the subject for now.

There's something that's been on my mind that I have wanted to ask Casey. It's never felt like the right time. It still doesn't but I have to know.

"Can I ask you something?"

She looks at me and nods and I follow her into the living room. "How did Jay take you? What did he do to you?"

Casey looks at me like she doesn't want to tell me but easily relents. "I was sitting on the bench in the spot that we walked to that night I told you about my cutting. He wasn't wearing his mask so I didn't know who he was. He went jogging by first and I thought nothing of it until he came back and sat on the bench next to me. I got uncomfortable and went to leave then he told me who he was. He said if I went with him he would leave you alone. If I didn't he would kill you."

I feel sick. I wish she had just run away.

"I am so sorry," I tell her. "You shouldn't have been faced with that."

Casey shrugs. "It's in the past. Let's not talk about it?"

I sense she is uncomfortable so I drop the subject and suggest watching a movie. I'm trying to keep things normal, even though I know they never will be again.

.2

I've arranged for Casey to see Jay this afternoon. I'm still against it but she insists, and myself and Olivia will get to watch the whole interaction.

There's something I want to discuss with Casey before we leave. She's been quiet today, no doubt nervous about this meeting.

"I have something I want to talk to you about," I tell Casey as she comes out of the bathroom after her shower.

Her hair is still wet and she looks at me rather irritated. "What is it?"

I hand her a small stack of papers. "I printed this out for you. I've been researching it, and this clinic in Switzerland has had great success helping people with your type of spinal injuries. I didn't believe it at first, so I reached out to some of the people named in those documents. A good majority regained some type of movement after treatment. A few can even walk again."

Casey seems semi interested. She looks at the top page. "What is the treatment?"

"A series of three operations. Stem cell therapy, and intense physical therapy."

Casey sighs. "So it's experimental. Thanks but no thanks. Besides, I don't want three different operations."

She hands the papers back to me. "Aren't you even going to read it? I think you have a good chance. Don't just dismiss this, Casey. Yes it would be hard, but the end result would be worth it. I think we should go."

She shakes her head and starts rolling towards her bedroom. I follow her with, "What if it worked? And you don't even try?"

She turns around in her chair and glares at me. "Alex, I'm not going to Switzerland for an experimental treatment that will get my hopes up and then not even work. I'm not working right now. I can't afford to go to Switzerland and be off work even longer. And what do you mean we should go? No reason you have to go."

Her temporary disability will pay her for twelve weeks before she has to come back to work. But even then, cost should be the least of her worries.

"I wouldn't let you go alone. If you're worried about cost, I would pay. I think- "

"No," she says sternly, cutting me off. "It makes me feel like even less of a person when you do that. When you throw your money around or make it seem like I can't take care of myself."

I never meant to make her feel that way. My heart drops when I realize I won't be able to convince her. "I'm sorry, Casey."

"You say that a lot, Alex. It doesn't mean anything anymore."

After our tense conversation, things get even more awkward on our way to the jail. Casey lets me drive her, which I'm surprised about. But she doesn't say more than three words to me and when we get there she won't even let me open the door for her. The handicap switch is broken and I watch her struggle with the door for a few minutes before she gets it open. I know better than to intrude, as much as I want to.

Once inside I flash my ADA badge and ask for the contact I spoke to when I made the arrangements. Olivia isn't here yet. I figured I can get things moving while we wait for her.

I know she's probably going to be mad at me, but I turn to Casey and ask, "Are you absolutely sure about this?" She nods but says nothing. "Okay. You will have officers in there with you. Me and Olivia will be watching, okay? If it's too much for you to handle just say the word."

Casey gives me a side glance and I know I have made her mad. But I care about her and I don't care if that makes her angry.

Olivia shows up a few minutes later. She smiles at Casey and strikes up a strained conversation, but I can tell it's awkward for both of them. Olivia doesn't know what to say to Casey and Casey doesn't know what to say to Olivia.

We are led to an interrogation room and when I look in the two way mirror I see Jay already seated at the table. He is handcuffed to the table with two officers standing behind him.

The security guard who led us here motions at the door. "Whenever you're ready, Miss Novak."

I watch as the guard holds the door open and Casey goes inside. I sigh and cross my arms in front of my chest.

"You didn't want her to do this, did you?" Olivia asks.

I shake my head. "No. But it was her decision. I always say and do the wrong thing anyway."

I can feel Olivia looking at me but I don't look at her. "I know things are probably hard and Casey probably isn't always nice to you. But she appreciates you and cares about you as much as you care about her. How is she adjusting?"

"Better than I thought. But I think she's getting tired of me. I probably try to do too much; can't blame her."

We don't talk anymore. We are both watching the scene on the other side of the glass.

Casey rolls up to the table and Jay looks at her with a sneer. "I guess I'm responsible for your wheels. I'm assuming you want me to apologize."

"I don't expect you to," Casey says. "Regret is a human emotion. You certainly aren't human."

He laughs bitterly at her. "I wouldn't point fingers. It was you who killed my friends. I was there; I watched you. I wanted to finish you off right then and there. But I knew you would be useful to get to Alex. I watched you stab my friend...multiple times. You didn't look human to me. You looked like a crazed monster. One who should be locked up."

I knew this was a terrible idea. "Okay, we have to get her out of there," I announce, moving to the door. I'm about to go in and end this when Olivia grabs my arm, stopping me. "Olivia! Don't you see what is happening in there?"

"Let her do this, Alex. She's okay. She will let us know if she needs help. Officers are in there with her; he can't hurt her. You know that," she tries to reason with me.

Maybe he can't hurt her physically, but words are powerful weapons. Words are enough to destroy even the strongest person.

But Casey doesn't break. She stares him down with such an intense look that he breaks eye contact first and shifts in his chair.

"Your friends were the monsters. And I'm glad I killed them; I'm glad."

I'm surprised to hear her say that. It's no doubt to make her seem stronger, but I'm still surprised nonetheless.

Jay leans back in his seat. "Why did you ask to see me? Just couldn't get enough, huh?"

That disgusting peice of human garbage. I want to reach through the glass and strangle him.

"I wanted to see if I could possibly understand how someone could be so evil," Casey says. "How you could hate someone so much that you could do what you were able to do to us."

"Ask your friend," he says quickly. "She should have some insight. She made me believe that she loved me. Then when she moved on, she was cold and acted as if she never cared. That's evil."

I look away, feeling ashamed for the first time in a long time. I did treat Jay badly; he was my first 'relationship' in Wisconsin and I knew it wasn't real from the start. He fell hard for me and I never felt the same about him. I led him on, let him develop strong feelings. And that was wrong.

"Alex isn't really your friend you know," Jay says. "She's a liar. She's good at lying and manipulation. She will pretend she cares about you and then drop you when she's tired of you."

"Shut up about Alex," Casey says. "You don't know her."

"Well you got me there - I knew Emily. And Emily was a lying bitch who would say anything to get what she wanted. She doesn't care about you. She pities you. Pity to redeem herself." He raises his head and looks towards the window. He can't see me but knows I'm watching. "Don't fall for her tricks. You have to know it's pity. Deep down inside you know I'm right. Why would she care about you anyway? No one else does. You're a loser. Always have been, always will be. You think you used to stand for something?" he laughs again. "Guess now you won't be standing for anything at all."

I am so angry I could put my fist through the two way window. I actually have to hug myself to suppress my shakes. I focus my attention on Casey, who seems surprisingly calm considering what was just said to her.

He isn't finished yet. "I'm sure being friends with a cripple and being seen everywhere 'helping' her makes her look really good. And that's the only reason she is doing it."

I can't stand and listen to this anymore. I turn away from the glass. I feel panic rising inside me and I will it away.

"I need some air," I tell Olivia. "Stay here for me, please?"

She nods and I stride down the hall towards the door in a hurry.

Once outside, I sit on the stairway and try to catch my breath. I'm angry, but also sad and guilty and I don't know how that's possible.

What Jay said was true. I had been cruel to him. I was hurting and the only way I knew to deal with that was to make others hurt too.

But I'm not pretending to be Casey's friend. I hope she doesn't believe that. In the past I definitely would have used the situation to further my career; without a doubt. Sadly, I would have used Casey. But I'm not that person anymore and I never will be again.

I've done a lot of wrong in my life, that's for sure. And I'm definitely paying for it now.

A short while later, Olivia comes out. She sits down on the stairs next to me. "It was fine. He said more awful things, but Casey was fine. She said what she needed to say." She pauses a moment. "Casey asked me to take her home."

I'm not surprised. I look at Olivia and nod. "Okay. I'll say goodbye and head home. Just make sure she's okay and doesn't need anything before you leave her? She will say she's fine even if she isn't so you have to make sure."

I go back inside to say goodbye to Casey. She won't even look at me; just mutters goodbye and rolls away from me.

I sigh; I don't know what to do anymore. Casey constantly rejects my help. I know things are hard for her, but they are becoming too hard for me too. She would have been better off if I'd left her alone after we escaped and didn't pursue a friendship with her.

Look where it landed her. In a wheelchair for the rest of her life. I wouldn't want to be around me either.

I make a decision then. I'm not calling or going to see Casey unless she reaches out first.

She's much better off without me.


	20. Chapter 20

**It's been so long since I've updated this story! Haven't given up on it. I still have a plan for it. I will be updating my other stories soon. Enjoy!**

Two weeks go by before I see Casey again. Two weeks without any type of contact.

I decide to go by her apartment after work. I don't bother calling first, as I know she will either not answer the phone or tell me not to come over.

After I knock, it takes her several moments to answer the door. And when she does, she looks less than thrilled to see me.

"Alex," she says flatly, turning her chair away from the door and rolling towards her living room. She leaves the door wide open and I hesitantly enter.

I stand awkwardly in her living room and look around the apartment. It's pretty unkept; empty beer bottles on the coffee table, clothes thrown hastily into a chair across from the couch. Pieces of potato chips on the floor.

Casey turns around to face me and I take in her appearance. She appears skinnier than last time I saw her, and her eyes are tired and dull. She's wearing an oversized hoodie despite the warm temperature in the apartment.

"I wanted to come see how you are doing," I say gently, not wanting to say the wrong thing. "I miss spending time with you. How have you been?"

Casey scoffs and looks down at her lap. "How have I been? Well I'm still in a wheelchair. If I forget to put my catheter in I piss all over myself because I have no control. A real attractive aspect. I haven't had clean clothes in two weeks because my chair doesn't fit in the laundry room in the building. Would you like me to go on?"

I shake my head and look at her beige carpet. "No - I wouldn't."

Casey is silent for a moment. "What do you want anyway, Alex? Why do you care how I'm doing? Am I your pity project? You feel you want to do something selfless in your life so you attach yourself to a pathetic cripple and pretend to be her friend? Pretend to care?"

I don't want to get angry with Casey, but those words rattle me. I am very defensive when anyone questions my integrity. And haven't done enough to prove to Casey that my intentions are pure?

"I've told you more than once, Casey, I don't pretend. Don't you give any mind to what that piece of shit Jay said. There are no motives to anything I've done for you. I've been completely honest with you and everything I've done has come from friendship. I like you, Casey, and I want you in my life. It's simple as that."

Casey looks away, as if she can't meet my eyes. "Only because you feel sorry for me and I think you feel guilty."

I sigh and cross my arms in front of my chest. I thought I was the world's most stubborn person, but this girl has definitely de-throned me.

"Did you not hear anything I just said?" I ask in exasperation.

"I did. A very well rehearsed speech by someone who talks and argues for a living." Casey's tone is bitter and there is nothing warm or forgiving about her at all.

I don't say anything else. I'm upset and angry and I know anything else I say will do more harm than good right now. So I shake my head and turn away from Casey and busy myself picking up her apartment.

"I don't need you to clean up after me. You're not my mother or my maid."

I look up at Casey, three empty beer bottles in my hand. "Looks to me like you need both. The booze again, huh? Rather be numb than to face life?"

"Than to face this life, yes."

Those words are so empty and her voice so sad that it makes my heart hurt. Any anger I briefly had dissipates and I turn to look at her. "Casey, I'm - "

Casey holds her hand up and shakes her head. "Don't say you're sorry; don't. I don't want or need you to feel sorry for me."

I turn back around and finish picking up the living room. Casey watches me but says nothing further and my mind works overtime to come up with something to say that she won't take offense to.

Normally when someone doesn't want you around the logical thing to do is to respect that and leave them alone. But I've never been like everyone else and I'm not about to give up on Casey.

She goes to her room while I finish picking up her apartment. It's kind of an OCD thing for me to make everything look tidy and clean. I put some dishes in the dishwasher and wipe down the countertops before I head to Casey's room.

She has her back to me, fiddling with something on the top of her dresser. I linger in the doorway, not feeling comfortable enough to just walk into her room.

She finally turns her chair around and looks at me, not really surprised to see me standing there. She has a bottle of pills in her lap and I watch as she empties two white pills into her palm and takes them dry.

I'm curious what the pills are but it's not my business so I don't address it at all. Instead I clear my throat and say, "I cleaned up for you. How about we go out and do something? Did you have dinner yet?"

Casey stares at me incredulously, like I suddenly sprouted a second head. "You're like an abused dog that just keeps coming back for more. Did you already forget our conversation when you first dropped in on me? Does it not register with you? I'm not interested in being friends, Alex. Don't waste anymore time on me."

Her words hurt - a lot, actually - but I don't let on. Instead I walk right into her room and sit down on her unmade bed. And I say exactly what's on my mind. "I know that isn't true. Just a few weeks ago you told me I was your best friend, Casey." Casey looks away at those words. "Things haven't been the same since you talked to Jay. What he said about me was absolutely not true. Not true, Casey. It hurts me that you believed him. That you would think I would use you."

"It wasn't just him; I didn't need him to tell me what I already suspected," Casey says softly. "People like you don't have friends. You have stepping stools and diving boards to further your career."

"People like me?" I echo, extremely insulated. "That's not fair, Casey! I'm not any different than you. I've worked hard just like you have and I struggle just the same as you."

"I seriously doubt you struggle like me. Everyone loves you so easily. Everything always came easy for you. You're beautiful and can get whatever you want with just a look."

I fear she's going to use my looks against me; accuse me of using sexuality to get where I am, the way others have. It would hurt me deep inside if Casey ever thought that about me.

But she doesn't stoop that low. She motions at her chair. "And you can walk. You can drive. You can strut down the corridors of the courthouse proudly. I never can again. What the hell do i have going for me? I don't need your judgement of what I'm doing with my life."

"Judgement? When have I ever judged you? I've done nothing but been there for you. And you're not doing anything with your life, Casey. Sitting in this apartment drinking, what is that going to do for you? How is that going to help your situation?"

"See? That's a judgement," Casey says quickly.

"You're damn right it is," I tell her just as quickly. "You need a wake up call. You need someone to give it to you straight. You still have a life! There's so much you could still do. You could come back to work...or find something else you wanted to do. Tell me one reason why you couldn't?"

"I don't want to talk about this anymore. Go home, please." Casey backs her chair up until she hits the dresser with her wheels and swears. I can see how frustrated she is, not being able to get around like she wants.

I stand up quickly and place my hand on her arm. "Don't do this. Don't head for the exit. Just talk to me, Casey - please. I need a friend as much as you do."

I'm not going to let her retreat again. She's going to stay here and face what I'm saying to her.

Casey's sleeve rides up just enough under my touch that I see it - red on Casey's arms. Without asking permission I grab her sleeve and pull it up, revealing fresh scabbed over cuts across her wrist.

Casey quickly twists her wrist out of my grasp and yanks her sleeve down. I can tell she is embarrassed.

I feel my heart drop to my feet. I know Casey has been in a bad place, but I hadn't expected her do this again.

"You're cutting again? Damn it, Casey! You made a promise to me! To call me if you ever felt that way again. Why didn't you call me? Why did you do this again?" My voice comes out high and laced with emotion.

I expect Casey to try and run around again. But instead she stays where she is, looking completely defeated. Like all the right has gone out of her.

"Because I hate myself," she says softly. "I hate everything about myself. It's like I'm not me anymore; like I'm just a shell of who I used to be. And when I sit on the edge of the bath tub and watch the blood swirl in the water and go down the drain, I feel alive. When I feel the stinging pain of the cuts, I know I'm getting what I deserve. I deserve the pain and the blood."

I feel like someone punched me in the stomach. I have to swallow to keep from crying. "Why do you feel like that? You don't deserve any of that!"

She raises her eyes and looks at me sadly. "I took those men's lives. They died at my hands - mine. I let them violate me in the worst way possible and I didn't fight back. I was weak and pathetic. And when I killed them, I took the easy way out. Part of me was thinking that I wouldn't have to sit in court and testify to what they had done to me. I'm a monster, Alex, and you're better off to stay away from me so I don't snap and hurt you." Casey's voice quivers. "Because you're the last person I want to hurt. So just stay away from me, to protect yourself."

Suddenly I understand. I understand why Casey has tried so hard to push me away. She's afraid she's going to hurt me. I know she never will, but I also know that it's going to take more than words to convince Casey of that.

I grab Casey's wrist again and run my thumb over one of the raised up healing cuts. It makes me hurt deep inside to think that Casey sat here alone and did this to herself.

"Casey...you can't do this. Do you understand that? You can't do this." I hold onto her wrist and locks eyes with her. "I care about you. I don't want you to kill yourself!"

Casey pulls her wrist out of my grasp and rolls her sleeeve back down. "I'm not suicidal. I promise you that. I don't want to kill myself, I just want to hurt. It's hard to explain. If you've never been where I am you wouldn't understand."

I've been where Casey is. Maybe not physically, but certainly mentally. I've felt so desolate and hopeless that I seeked out human attention and affection in all the wrong ways. Like what happened with Jay.

So yes, as screwed up as it is, I can understand Casey's state of mind. It doesn't make it okay, but I can at least understand.

"Casey, we've been going about this the wrong way," I tell her. "Thinking staying away from each other will help. It won't. We have a connection, and we need each other. You can fight me all you want, but I'm coming over every day and getting you out of the house. For me, and for you."

I expect Casey to argue with me. To at least say something bitter or snarky, but as she looks at me, it's like all the fight is gone from her. She realizes that nothing she can say will stop me. Once I've put my mind to something, I follow through no matter what.

Casey doesn't say anything, and I stand up and tell her I'm going to the Chinese place we both like and picking up dinner. Again she says nothing, so I tell her I'll be right back and slip into the hall.

Once I've gotten a few paces down the hall, I pull out my phone and search through my contacts for Dr. George Haung.

He answers after two rings. "Miss Cabot, what can I do for you?"

I take a deep breath. "George. I need your help. It's about Casey."

 **Should Alex give up and focus on herself? She needs help too. If she neglects herself, bad things will happen. What do you think?**


End file.
